Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
National Procrastination Week was last month. Time to celebrate!
My sister is a vegetarian; however, she still eats pizza sometimes, just as long as there's no meat. She really messed up last week, though. When the cashier asked which toppings she wanted on her two medium pies, she stated, "Olive 'em."
Customer: "Hey waiter, you didn't bring me a friggin' spoon! In case you haven't figured it out, this coffee's too damned hot for me to stir with my finger!"
Waiter: "Apologies, sir! I'll fix things at once!"
Customer: "That's more like it."
Waiter: "I'll bring you a cup that's lukewarm."
Ever hear the story about the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the leaking dyke? What a moron! He should have used his shoe! Then the hole would have been clogged!
Blackbeard's attitude toward the Royal Navy was exactly the same as mine toward panhandlers: no quarter given!
Of all the vital equipment to store in your panic room, the most important is probably a yard stick. Never forget: desperate times call for desperate measures.
My four-leaf clover has become awfully wrinkled with age; even so, I'd never try to smooth it out with a flat iron. That would be pressing my luck.
Did you know that Pablo Picasso originally worked as a police sketch artist? Quasimodo the bell ringer was painfully aware of the fact; no matter how good an alibi he had, cops always questioned him first.
I've been trying to learn Spanish words so I can talk to my friend Ricardo in his native language. Today I learned to say "mucho". You should have seen Ricardo's face... I knew it meant a lot to him.
Why is boxing considered such a macho sport? Think about it... two half naked guys squabbling over a belt and a purse!
Once again there were no open spaces at my job's parking lot. Ironically named, since I've been parking so little.
Leonard Nimoy was such a sentimental guy, he named parts of his house after his Star Trek co-stars. Like the fuse box, for instance... he called that James Doohan. He referred to his medicine cabinet as Deforest Kelly; his phone, of course, was Nichelle Nichols. And his toilet? William Shatner!
I've spent a lot of time lately working with my father in law. Dad needs to get as much tutoring time as possible if he ever expects to pass the bar.
Q: A construction worker and a chemist are standing side by side. Without asking directly which is which, how can you tell the difference?
A: Find out how they pronounce "unionized".
Someone swiped my newspaper this morning, so I sneaked next door and took my neighbors. With the benefit of hindsight, I now understand that kidnapping may have been overreaction.
She: "Have you seen the dog bowl?"
He: "Of course not! His paws are way too small to fit into the finger holes!"
I've been waiting for a kidney going on 3 months now... my butcher has the worst suppliers in the state.
He: "I must be in great shape! This doctor's report says I can masturbate whenever I want!"
She: "Jesus, John, read it more carefully! What it actually says is you could have a stroke at any moment!"
Famous bank robber John Dillinger escaped from prison many times. His first attempt, however, was a failure. He'd just gotten to the top of the wall, when he lost his balance and fell all the way to the street, directly on his head. This upset him so much that he swore a blue streak, alerting the guards who caught him and brought him back inside. This incident taught him a valuable lesson: avoid slip-ups. The guards never would have recaptured him if it wasn't for the con cussin'.
She: "See? This party is more fun that you thought!"
He: "Sure, sure. You wanna dance?"
She: "You bet I do!"
He: "Great. I'll take your spot on the sofa until you're finished."
I regularly enjoy a six year old bourbon, but that doesn't mean I'll demean you if you prefer Coors. It should be obvious that I don't take cheap shots.
Eagles soar above the rest of us and view the world from a privileged vantage. On the other hand, gophers don't get sucked into jet engines.
* * *
My sister is a vegetarian; however, she still eats pizza sometimes, just as long as there's no meat. She really messed up last week, though. When the cashier asked which toppings she wanted on her two medium pies, she stated, "Olive 'em."
* * *
Customer: "Hey waiter, you didn't bring me a friggin' spoon! In case you haven't figured it out, this coffee's too damned hot for me to stir with my finger!"
Waiter: "Apologies, sir! I'll fix things at once!"
Customer: "That's more like it."
Waiter: "I'll bring you a cup that's lukewarm."
* * *
Ever hear the story about the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the leaking dyke? What a moron! He should have used his shoe! Then the hole would have been clogged!
* * *
Blackbeard's attitude toward the Royal Navy was exactly the same as mine toward panhandlers: no quarter given!
* * *
Of all the vital equipment to store in your panic room, the most important is probably a yard stick. Never forget: desperate times call for desperate measures.
* * *
My four-leaf clover has become awfully wrinkled with age; even so, I'd never try to smooth it out with a flat iron. That would be pressing my luck.
* * *
Did you know that Pablo Picasso originally worked as a police sketch artist? Quasimodo the bell ringer was painfully aware of the fact; no matter how good an alibi he had, cops always questioned him first.
* * *
I've been trying to learn Spanish words so I can talk to my friend Ricardo in his native language. Today I learned to say "mucho". You should have seen Ricardo's face... I knew it meant a lot to him.
* * *
Why is boxing considered such a macho sport? Think about it... two half naked guys squabbling over a belt and a purse!
* * *
Once again there were no open spaces at my job's parking lot. Ironically named, since I've been parking so little.
* * *
Leonard Nimoy was such a sentimental guy, he named parts of his house after his Star Trek co-stars. Like the fuse box, for instance... he called that James Doohan. He referred to his medicine cabinet as Deforest Kelly; his phone, of course, was Nichelle Nichols. And his toilet? William Shatner!
* * *
I've spent a lot of time lately working with my father in law. Dad needs to get as much tutoring time as possible if he ever expects to pass the bar.
* * *
Q: A construction worker and a chemist are standing side by side. Without asking directly which is which, how can you tell the difference?
A: Find out how they pronounce "unionized".
* * *
Someone swiped my newspaper this morning, so I sneaked next door and took my neighbors. With the benefit of hindsight, I now understand that kidnapping may have been overreaction.
* * *
She: "Have you seen the dog bowl?"
He: "Of course not! His paws are way too small to fit into the finger holes!"
* * *
I've been waiting for a kidney going on 3 months now... my butcher has the worst suppliers in the state.
* * *
He: "I must be in great shape! This doctor's report says I can masturbate whenever I want!"
She: "Jesus, John, read it more carefully! What it actually says is you could have a stroke at any moment!"
* * *
Famous bank robber John Dillinger escaped from prison many times. His first attempt, however, was a failure. He'd just gotten to the top of the wall, when he lost his balance and fell all the way to the street, directly on his head. This upset him so much that he swore a blue streak, alerting the guards who caught him and brought him back inside. This incident taught him a valuable lesson: avoid slip-ups. The guards never would have recaptured him if it wasn't for the con cussin'.
* * *
She: "See? This party is more fun that you thought!"
He: "Sure, sure. You wanna dance?"
She: "You bet I do!"
He: "Great. I'll take your spot on the sofa until you're finished."
* * *
I regularly enjoy a six year old bourbon, but that doesn't mean I'll demean you if you prefer Coors. It should be obvious that I don't take cheap shots.
* * *
Eagles soar above the rest of us and view the world from a privileged vantage. On the other hand, gophers don't get sucked into jet engines.
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