Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I did my own impromptu political poll on the street this afternoon. According 98% of respondants, our next president is going to be Get The Hell Away From Me, Weirdo.
It was, without a doubt, a completely irrational decision to move to Hollywood just so I could hobnob with celebrities. I must admit I was star craving mad.
She: I want to get breast enhancement surgery.
He: That's sure to cost a fortune! Why don't you just rub toilet paper between your boobs?
She: And you really think that'll make them bigger?
He: Why not! Look how well it worked on your ass!
To get roosters in the mood, farmers are showing them a special kind of bondage pornography. It's called hen-tie.
What a disastrous day! Two awful things happened: first, my wife was run over by a bus; second, I was fired from my job at the bus company.
Believe it or not, you can actually think the unthinkable. But you're going to need an awfully big itheberg.
My son wants to be an "ultra-pirate" for Halloween. But after wandering into traffic, he had to admit that even an ultra-pirate doesn't need more than one eye-patch.
Three blondes were celebrating at a bar. They were so obviously pleased with themselves, the barkeep was determined to find out why.
"Oh, we're so proud!" one of them gushed. "We just finished a really hard jigsaw puzzle! It took us only 6 months... on the box, it said 4-6 years!"
I found this terrific book to help with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder! I just can't put it down!
Mike Tyson to Vincent Van Gogh: "You gonna finish that?"
I did the best I could to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my family. Dad approved of her, of course. And Sis absolutely adored her! As always, Mom was the problem... she can't stand her meat too well done.
Researchers have discovered a food that decreases a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called wedding cake.
My doctor's concerned about my diet. He said I should restrict myself to staples. Hey, I admit, I enjoy all the wrong foods... but sealing my mouth shut is going too damned far!
Two guys pull a pregnant lady out of the lake. She's unresponsive, so the first man immediately starts CPR. While he's busy giving her mouth-to-mouth, the second man pulls down her bikini bottom and sticks his lips over her vigina.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouts the first man in dismay.
"You keep working on the mother!" hollers the second man. "I'll save the baby!"
I used to do the Hokey Pokey compulsively. I've now turned myself around.
She: I look at myself in the mirror, and all I can see is a fat, old, ugly lady! Please say something complimentary!
He: You have eyesight to die for!
My wife died of natural causes. I strangled her with kelp.
Your twenty-second birthday will always be the shortest.
My girlfriend believes in making the little things count. She teaches math to first graders.
A quack doctor was taken into custody for hawking a patent medicine that promises to prolong life. And it's not the first time! He was arrested in 2001, 1939, 1824, 1650...
Doctor: Sir, I'm very sorry to report you have a terminal condition. You have only 10 to live.
Patient: 10?!! Whatta you mean 10? Ten months? Ten weeks?
Doctor: ... nine... eight...
* * *
It was, without a doubt, a completely irrational decision to move to Hollywood just so I could hobnob with celebrities. I must admit I was star craving mad.
* * *
She: I want to get breast enhancement surgery.
He: That's sure to cost a fortune! Why don't you just rub toilet paper between your boobs?
She: And you really think that'll make them bigger?
He: Why not! Look how well it worked on your ass!
* * *
To get roosters in the mood, farmers are showing them a special kind of bondage pornography. It's called hen-tie.
* * *
What a disastrous day! Two awful things happened: first, my wife was run over by a bus; second, I was fired from my job at the bus company.
* * *
Believe it or not, you can actually think the unthinkable. But you're going to need an awfully big itheberg.
* * *
My son wants to be an "ultra-pirate" for Halloween. But after wandering into traffic, he had to admit that even an ultra-pirate doesn't need more than one eye-patch.
* * *
Three blondes were celebrating at a bar. They were so obviously pleased with themselves, the barkeep was determined to find out why.
"Oh, we're so proud!" one of them gushed. "We just finished a really hard jigsaw puzzle! It took us only 6 months... on the box, it said 4-6 years!"
* * *
I found this terrific book to help with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder! I just can't put it down!
* * *
Mike Tyson to Vincent Van Gogh: "You gonna finish that?"
* * *
I did the best I could to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my family. Dad approved of her, of course. And Sis absolutely adored her! As always, Mom was the problem... she can't stand her meat too well done.
* * *
Researchers have discovered a food that decreases a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called wedding cake.
* * *
My doctor's concerned about my diet. He said I should restrict myself to staples. Hey, I admit, I enjoy all the wrong foods... but sealing my mouth shut is going too damned far!
* * *
Two guys pull a pregnant lady out of the lake. She's unresponsive, so the first man immediately starts CPR. While he's busy giving her mouth-to-mouth, the second man pulls down her bikini bottom and sticks his lips over her vigina.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouts the first man in dismay.
"You keep working on the mother!" hollers the second man. "I'll save the baby!"
* * *
I used to do the Hokey Pokey compulsively. I've now turned myself around.
* * *
She: I look at myself in the mirror, and all I can see is a fat, old, ugly lady! Please say something complimentary!
He: You have eyesight to die for!
* * *
My wife died of natural causes. I strangled her with kelp.
* * *
Your twenty-second birthday will always be the shortest.
* * *
My girlfriend believes in making the little things count. She teaches math to first graders.
* * *
A quack doctor was taken into custody for hawking a patent medicine that promises to prolong life. And it's not the first time! He was arrested in 2001, 1939, 1824, 1650...
* * *
Doctor: Sir, I'm very sorry to report you have a terminal condition. You have only 10 to live.
Patient: 10?!! Whatta you mean 10? Ten months? Ten weeks?
Doctor: ... nine... eight...
