Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Most folks pick dogs or cats for their emotional support animals; me, I prefer chickens. I find that they're the most emotionally satisfying when they're supported by mashed potatoes and coleslaw.
Peter the Great faced many arduous trials that left him with bodily pain that his doctors couldn't cure. Too bad he didn't live in the modern era... they could just use Bengay for Pete's ache!
I'm ashamed to admit that my wife's a crack addict. Doesn't she understand that she's eventually going to break her mother's back?
Hillbilly #1: "Yer wife looks so young! Standin' next to yer daughter, I could swear they was twins!"
Hillbilly #2: "Cain't figure it... I had 'em separated at birth."
I got some bad medical news today. Turns out I've been diagnosed with the Big C... you know, Dyslexia.
Don't try pizza. First you'll say it's just for special occasions. Then you'll start having one every weekend. Soon it'll be every other day and before you know it you won't be eating anything else. It's what's known as the Domino effect.
I don't care for the word "mer-maid"... it's too gender specific. So, after much consideration, I've come up with a replacement: "hu-manatee".
Sheep: "Baaaah!"
Shephard: "You don't say!"
Sheep: "Baaaah!"
Shephard: "I know. You said that before."
Sheep: "Baaaah!"
Shephard: "Enough, already! I herd you!"
I run a snack shop on the US side of Niagara Falls, deal with a lot of Canadian crossover business, and let me tell you I'd rather face five Canadians any day rather than a single American tourist! I mean, that's five times the business, right?
He: "Where do you want to go on our Riviera vacation?"
She: "I don't care as long as it's Nice."
Motto of the French Pastry Corps: "Tell it to the Meringues!"
Believe it or not, Dwayne Johnson used to get beaten up regularly at elementary school. Back then, he was known as The Pebble.
I always wanted to have a bust of myself done in marble, you know, like I was Beethoven or one of them Roman Senators. My wife thinks it would be a foolish waste of money, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian and was eager to promote his preference throughout the world. The first step in his master plan was to eliminate all chickens in Germany... it was a program of mass henocide.
My ex-girlfriend dumped me, saying I was way behind the times. That's a shame; I thought we had good alchemy together.
The Bunny Hop is still extremely popular. Participants take part in abundance.
I got my little girl a porpoise pool toy for her birthday when what she really wanted was the limited edition Barbie Mermaid. She's upset about it, but I don't know how I was supposed to make the right choice... all she ever talked about was doll fins!
A termite and a dung beetle enter a bar.
Termite: "So where's the bartender?"
Dung beetle: "I noticed some dry rot at the far end. You might start there."
Termite: "Want me to order us something from a booth?"
Dung beetle: "Naw. I'll just grab a stool."
Communist: "Have you read Marx?"
Capitalist: "Yeah. Comes from sitting in my damn office chair too long."
If you want to be a success, don't use drugs. The real money's in selling them.
Our maintenance man had a terrible accident and lost both his legs. As a result, he just got demoted to handyman.
She: "I was a fool when I married you ten years ago!"
He: "That's what I love about you, dear: you never change."
* * *
Peter the Great faced many arduous trials that left him with bodily pain that his doctors couldn't cure. Too bad he didn't live in the modern era... they could just use Bengay for Pete's ache!
* * *
I'm ashamed to admit that my wife's a crack addict. Doesn't she understand that she's eventually going to break her mother's back?
* * *
Hillbilly #1: "Yer wife looks so young! Standin' next to yer daughter, I could swear they was twins!"
Hillbilly #2: "Cain't figure it... I had 'em separated at birth."
* * *
I got some bad medical news today. Turns out I've been diagnosed with the Big C... you know, Dyslexia.
* * *
Don't try pizza. First you'll say it's just for special occasions. Then you'll start having one every weekend. Soon it'll be every other day and before you know it you won't be eating anything else. It's what's known as the Domino effect.
* * *
I don't care for the word "mer-maid"... it's too gender specific. So, after much consideration, I've come up with a replacement: "hu-manatee".
* * *
Sheep: "Baaaah!"
Shephard: "You don't say!"
Sheep: "Baaaah!"
Shephard: "I know. You said that before."
Sheep: "Baaaah!"
Shephard: "Enough, already! I herd you!"
* * *
I run a snack shop on the US side of Niagara Falls, deal with a lot of Canadian crossover business, and let me tell you I'd rather face five Canadians any day rather than a single American tourist! I mean, that's five times the business, right?
* * *
He: "Where do you want to go on our Riviera vacation?"
She: "I don't care as long as it's Nice."
* * *
Motto of the French Pastry Corps: "Tell it to the Meringues!"
* * *
Believe it or not, Dwayne Johnson used to get beaten up regularly at elementary school. Back then, he was known as The Pebble.
* * *
I always wanted to have a bust of myself done in marble, you know, like I was Beethoven or one of them Roman Senators. My wife thinks it would be a foolish waste of money, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
* * *
Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian and was eager to promote his preference throughout the world. The first step in his master plan was to eliminate all chickens in Germany... it was a program of mass henocide.
* * *
My ex-girlfriend dumped me, saying I was way behind the times. That's a shame; I thought we had good alchemy together.
* * *
The Bunny Hop is still extremely popular. Participants take part in abundance.
* * *
I got my little girl a porpoise pool toy for her birthday when what she really wanted was the limited edition Barbie Mermaid. She's upset about it, but I don't know how I was supposed to make the right choice... all she ever talked about was doll fins!
* * *
A termite and a dung beetle enter a bar.
Termite: "So where's the bartender?"
Dung beetle: "I noticed some dry rot at the far end. You might start there."
Termite: "Want me to order us something from a booth?"
Dung beetle: "Naw. I'll just grab a stool."
* * *
Communist: "Have you read Marx?"
Capitalist: "Yeah. Comes from sitting in my damn office chair too long."
* * *
If you want to be a success, don't use drugs. The real money's in selling them.
* * *
Our maintenance man had a terrible accident and lost both his legs. As a result, he just got demoted to handyman.
* * *
She: "I was a fool when I married you ten years ago!"
He: "That's what I love about you, dear: you never change."
