Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Moscow has a new scheme for rooting out Russian defectors: it’s placing trained drones in foreign hives with special miniature listening equipment and lethally poisoned stingers. Anybody who suspects the location of one should alert authorities at once. Never try to sneak up on it yourself; it’s a cagey bee.
I bumped into an old acquaintance today. Knocked him off the curb and broke his arm, I’m afraid.
It’s true that many married men stray. But not all, of course. Certain women know exactly where their husbands are every minute of every day. They’re called widows.
My lying boss recently sent a message telling me I was fired. It read: “The quality of your work has been OK, but I’m going to have to let you go regardless. You simply aren’t getting enough done; you’re far too easily distracted.” What crap! Hey, have you ever noticed how much ‘OK’ looks just like a little man lying on his side?
Son: “Dad, how come mom says you have a green thumb? It doesn’t look green to me. It looks pink.”
Dad: “That’s just a figure of speech, son. It’s like saying “caught red-handed” when you’re accused of stealing something. The hands aren’t really red.”
Son: “Oh. So what color are they?”
Dad: “Black.”
That Jewish girl just asked for my number. I told her not to live in the past... we use names in this country.
He: “What a ripoff! That boxing match lasted only 30 seconds!”
She: “Ha! Now you know how I feel!”
My girlfriend for the last 10 years died suddenly yesterday. Don’t feel bad for me, though.... it’s her husband who’s getting blamed for it.
Society tells a man he’s incomplete until he marries. I wholeheartedly agree... after the wedding, he’s finished.
What tempo do climatologists use when they compute global warming?
Al Gore rhythm.
A bee landed on my brother’s head and stung him. He went to hospital with a bulging eyes, a swollen nose and massive facial discoloration. But it could have been worse; he might have been stung a second time if I hadn’t swatted the damn thing with a shovel.
Teacher: “Little Jimmy, how do you spell ‘chair’?”
Jimmy: “C-H-A-R-E.“
Teacher: “I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer.”
Jimmy: “Tain’t neither! I always spell it that way!”
My tenant taught his dog how to answer the phone... classic example of a border callee.
Gandalf got a job at Hogwarts, but it just didn’t work out; whatever course he wound up teaching, no one could pass.
A man lost his penis in an industrial accident. It was reattached after hours’ long surgery, but I’m not sure he deserved it. He may be a sex predator... reportedly told the doctors, “Can’t wait for the stitches to heal! I wanna feel hole again.”
“So, where were you born?”
“The great state of Texas!”
“Texas, eh? Which part?”
“Whatta you mean ‘which part’? All of me!”
I went to the funeral home to consult with the mortician; that’s when I found out he was a pervert. His assistant told me he was too busy nailing the coffin.
“My wife went home to visit her folks in Indonesia.”
“Oh. Djakarta?”
“Heavens no! It’s way too far! She flew instead.”
Pedophiles are all social outcasts. It’s easy to spot them... they have trouble fitting in.
I’m divorcing my wife. It’s her damned fault... all those men! The mailman! The repairman! My best friend from work! Damn her! Damn her! Damn her! Why can’t she see I’m gay?
“Grandpa, you’re amazing! Married to Grandma for sixty years and you still call her “darling”! After sixty years! How do you do it!”
“It’s easy. I can’t remember her name.”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Grandpa.”
“Christ! Stop the funeral!”[/FONT]
* * *
I bumped into an old acquaintance today. Knocked him off the curb and broke his arm, I’m afraid.
* * *
It’s true that many married men stray. But not all, of course. Certain women know exactly where their husbands are every minute of every day. They’re called widows.
* * *
My lying boss recently sent a message telling me I was fired. It read: “The quality of your work has been OK, but I’m going to have to let you go regardless. You simply aren’t getting enough done; you’re far too easily distracted.” What crap! Hey, have you ever noticed how much ‘OK’ looks just like a little man lying on his side?
* * *
Son: “Dad, how come mom says you have a green thumb? It doesn’t look green to me. It looks pink.”
Dad: “That’s just a figure of speech, son. It’s like saying “caught red-handed” when you’re accused of stealing something. The hands aren’t really red.”
Son: “Oh. So what color are they?”
Dad: “Black.”
* * *
That Jewish girl just asked for my number. I told her not to live in the past... we use names in this country.
* * *
He: “What a ripoff! That boxing match lasted only 30 seconds!”
She: “Ha! Now you know how I feel!”
* * *
My girlfriend for the last 10 years died suddenly yesterday. Don’t feel bad for me, though.... it’s her husband who’s getting blamed for it.
* * *
Society tells a man he’s incomplete until he marries. I wholeheartedly agree... after the wedding, he’s finished.
* * *
What tempo do climatologists use when they compute global warming?
Al Gore rhythm.
* * *
A bee landed on my brother’s head and stung him. He went to hospital with a bulging eyes, a swollen nose and massive facial discoloration. But it could have been worse; he might have been stung a second time if I hadn’t swatted the damn thing with a shovel.
* * *
Teacher: “Little Jimmy, how do you spell ‘chair’?”
Jimmy: “C-H-A-R-E.“
Teacher: “I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer.”
Jimmy: “Tain’t neither! I always spell it that way!”
* * *
My tenant taught his dog how to answer the phone... classic example of a border callee.
* * *
Gandalf got a job at Hogwarts, but it just didn’t work out; whatever course he wound up teaching, no one could pass.
* * *
A man lost his penis in an industrial accident. It was reattached after hours’ long surgery, but I’m not sure he deserved it. He may be a sex predator... reportedly told the doctors, “Can’t wait for the stitches to heal! I wanna feel hole again.”
* * *
“So, where were you born?”
“The great state of Texas!”
“Texas, eh? Which part?”
“Whatta you mean ‘which part’? All of me!”
* * *
I went to the funeral home to consult with the mortician; that’s when I found out he was a pervert. His assistant told me he was too busy nailing the coffin.
* * *
“My wife went home to visit her folks in Indonesia.”
“Oh. Djakarta?”
“Heavens no! It’s way too far! She flew instead.”
* * *
Pedophiles are all social outcasts. It’s easy to spot them... they have trouble fitting in.
* * *
I’m divorcing my wife. It’s her damned fault... all those men! The mailman! The repairman! My best friend from work! Damn her! Damn her! Damn her! Why can’t she see I’m gay?
* * *
“Grandpa, you’re amazing! Married to Grandma for sixty years and you still call her “darling”! After sixty years! How do you do it!”
“It’s easy. I can’t remember her name.”
* * *
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Grandpa.”
“Christ! Stop the funeral!”[/FONT]
