Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My grandparents were in the resistance and fought during the whole of WWII. After that conflict ended, they became part of a spy network and fought throughout the entire Cold War. They squabbled so damn much, its a wonder my dad was ever born!
1st golfer: "Hitting the links in springtime's always trouble. Damn bees! I got stung between the first and second hole!"
2nd golfer: "I think I see your problem... your stance is too wide."
Stealing humor is so ubiquitous, it's almost a tradition among comedians. But you won't find any of that here! I couldn't do such a thing if I tried... I've never been able to take a joke!
It's well understood that the Romans liked the Greek pantheon of gods so much, they adopted every one of them into their own religion. It all started when they copied the Greek marine deity Poseidon as Roman Neptune. The impetus for doing this is obvious: Poseidon had always been associated with Ctrl C.
I see nothing amusing about cats, if you catch the point.
A cop discovers a couple furiously making out in a cemetery. When asked what they thought they were doing, the pair point to an ad prominently displayed at the main entryway: "Get Lots Before It's Too Late!"
My brother told me I should take up paint ball. He said it was tons of fun and some of the best exercise he ever had. So, I tried it out... what a waste of time! All I got was eyestrain and cramped hands! Plus, if you put on too thick a coat, the damn things won't fit into the gun anymore!
Cop: "Your car is covered in leaves and branches, with blood on your bumper. What happened?"
Driver: "I confess... I accidently ran over a lawyer."
Cop: "Well, that explains the blood. But what about the leaves?"
Driver: "There he was in the street, directly in front of me, when suddenly he tried to make a break through the park."
My brother keeps telling me he's an alpha male. Okay... I knew he wasn't a completed version.
A cop tried to bust a child prostitution ring operating out of a nail salon, but nothing came of it. Seems there was a miscommunication; he'd been told that the back room was full of pedi files.
Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.
CHP Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I do know precisely where I am."
CHP Officer: "You were doing 90 mph!"
Heisenberg: "Damn! Now I'm lost!"
"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... I tend to do extensive research, then back up my argument with sound reasoning!"... dialogue from "The Credible Hulk".
I must have driven past the Springer funeral on the way to work. I didn't see anything, but did hear a huge group of people yelling, "Bury! Bury! Bury!"
How far down did they plant Harry Belafonte? Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, huh?
After years of hunting for one, I finally saw a yeti! He tried to get away from me, making a mighty sprint over a razor-wire barrier, but I still got close enough for a really good look! Of course, by that time he was an abom no-ball snowman.
Teacher: "Johnny, I want you to try to count to five without using your fingers."
Johnny: "Slow down, teach! This is getting out of hand!"
My brother gave me a job as a furniture finisher, but I don't know how long that's gonna last; he incessantly scolds me for setting my coffee mug on the coffee tables once they're done! Doesn't he know how off-putting that is?
Fearsome buccaneer Captain Kidd was told by the ship's doctor to provide a urine sample, but when the vessel pitched it spilled all over the deck. Man, was he irate!
I became engaged to my wife while we both were studying ophthalmology. It's true... I wed my eye school sweetheart!
"What's your new daughter's name, then?"
"We call her Melanie Noelle!"
"What?! A newborn and you say she's a meanie?"
A man leaps out of an airplane and is plummeting earthward when he finds that his parachute won't open. Fumbling desperately, he suddenly notices another figure rocketing his direction from the ground. Grasping onto this slim bit of hope, he hollers out, "Hey there! Do you know anything about parachutes?"
To which the second man shouts back as he whizzes past, "Not a thing! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
God: "Adam... Eve... I have something for you! Two freshly crafted gifts, one for each! But you'll have to decide who gets what."
Adam: "Sounds great, Lord! What are they?"
God: "The first is the ability to pee standing up -- "
Adam: "Pee standing up? What a sweet idea! I'll take that one!"
God: " ... uh, okay. Eve, that means you're stuck with the second."
Eve: "What is it, Lord?"
God: "Multiple orgasms."
* * *
1st golfer: "Hitting the links in springtime's always trouble. Damn bees! I got stung between the first and second hole!"
2nd golfer: "I think I see your problem... your stance is too wide."
* * *
Stealing humor is so ubiquitous, it's almost a tradition among comedians. But you won't find any of that here! I couldn't do such a thing if I tried... I've never been able to take a joke!
* * *
It's well understood that the Romans liked the Greek pantheon of gods so much, they adopted every one of them into their own religion. It all started when they copied the Greek marine deity Poseidon as Roman Neptune. The impetus for doing this is obvious: Poseidon had always been associated with Ctrl C.
* * *
I see nothing amusing about cats, if you catch the point.
* * *
A cop discovers a couple furiously making out in a cemetery. When asked what they thought they were doing, the pair point to an ad prominently displayed at the main entryway: "Get Lots Before It's Too Late!"
* * *
My brother told me I should take up paint ball. He said it was tons of fun and some of the best exercise he ever had. So, I tried it out... what a waste of time! All I got was eyestrain and cramped hands! Plus, if you put on too thick a coat, the damn things won't fit into the gun anymore!
* * *
Cop: "Your car is covered in leaves and branches, with blood on your bumper. What happened?"
Driver: "I confess... I accidently ran over a lawyer."
Cop: "Well, that explains the blood. But what about the leaves?"
Driver: "There he was in the street, directly in front of me, when suddenly he tried to make a break through the park."
* * *
My brother keeps telling me he's an alpha male. Okay... I knew he wasn't a completed version.
* * *
A cop tried to bust a child prostitution ring operating out of a nail salon, but nothing came of it. Seems there was a miscommunication; he'd been told that the back room was full of pedi files.
* * *
Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.
CHP Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I do know precisely where I am."
CHP Officer: "You were doing 90 mph!"
Heisenberg: "Damn! Now I'm lost!"
* * *
"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... I tend to do extensive research, then back up my argument with sound reasoning!"... dialogue from "The Credible Hulk".
* * *
I must have driven past the Springer funeral on the way to work. I didn't see anything, but did hear a huge group of people yelling, "Bury! Bury! Bury!"
* * *
How far down did they plant Harry Belafonte? Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, huh?
* * *
After years of hunting for one, I finally saw a yeti! He tried to get away from me, making a mighty sprint over a razor-wire barrier, but I still got close enough for a really good look! Of course, by that time he was an abom no-ball snowman.
* * *
Teacher: "Johnny, I want you to try to count to five without using your fingers."
Johnny: "Slow down, teach! This is getting out of hand!"
* * *
My brother gave me a job as a furniture finisher, but I don't know how long that's gonna last; he incessantly scolds me for setting my coffee mug on the coffee tables once they're done! Doesn't he know how off-putting that is?
* * *
Fearsome buccaneer Captain Kidd was told by the ship's doctor to provide a urine sample, but when the vessel pitched it spilled all over the deck. Man, was he irate!
* * *
I became engaged to my wife while we both were studying ophthalmology. It's true... I wed my eye school sweetheart!
* * *
"What's your new daughter's name, then?"
"We call her Melanie Noelle!"
"What?! A newborn and you say she's a meanie?"
* * *
A man leaps out of an airplane and is plummeting earthward when he finds that his parachute won't open. Fumbling desperately, he suddenly notices another figure rocketing his direction from the ground. Grasping onto this slim bit of hope, he hollers out, "Hey there! Do you know anything about parachutes?"
To which the second man shouts back as he whizzes past, "Not a thing! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
* * *
God: "Adam... Eve... I have something for you! Two freshly crafted gifts, one for each! But you'll have to decide who gets what."
Adam: "Sounds great, Lord! What are they?"
God: "The first is the ability to pee standing up -- "
Adam: "Pee standing up? What a sweet idea! I'll take that one!"
God: " ... uh, okay. Eve, that means you're stuck with the second."
Eve: "What is it, Lord?"
God: "Multiple orgasms."
