Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My little son constantly says he wants to be just like Batman. Such a cute ambition! I said I'd help him out, and I did... yesterday, I dropped him off at an orphanage.
Radio operator: "Sir, the Titanic is making record time across the North Atlantic!"
Ship owner: "Of course!"
Radio operator: "Sir, the Titanic has just run into an iceberg!"
Ship owner: "Off course."
From what I've read, Adolf Hitler never touched alcohol. Probably just as well... he might have turned out to be a mean drunk.
Hitler needed to unwind from the pressures of his war campaign, so Goebbels recommended he take up golf. It didn't really work out... der Führer didn't have the right temperament for the game. One shot in the bunker and he was finished.
I used to build mud pies when I was young. They taught me so much about cuisine... little did I suspect they'd all turn into earth-day cakes!
She: "You know, if you keep picking on our son, he's going to have issues later in life."
He: "What?! Me, picking on one of our boys? I swear, I've never noticed it! Which one is it... Mathew, Steve or the ugly runt?"
I missed class today and now they're forcing me to take a makeup exam. This is stupid! I'm studying geography, not cosmetology!
Belgium must have the most aggravating species of insect on Earth! They're well known for their ant twerp.
I've heard that apathy is one of the first signs of dementia. Who says so? Who the hell cares!
You're familiar with the fable about the wolf who put on a sheepskin so he could infiltrate the flock, right? Did you know that before that time, his species didn't even have a proper name? It's a fact reflected in the original spelling of the word: woolf.
In my experience, schizophrenics can't be trusted to make purchases. I never met one yet who could manage their invoices.
In case you missed it, God just made an announcement from Heaven. It's important news, so you better listen up: "You people have gotten it wrong for centuries now! It's actually pronounced 'Jod'."
I've been told that geese mate for life. And that turns out to be true, as far as it went... once I got hold of one, its life lasted about ten minutes.
Before he was taught his lesson, Ebenezer Scrooge hoarded every coin. I bet he was a lot happier afterward... no human wants to be known as a guinea pig.
I've been running constantly, but still can't seem to lose any weight. Though I do admit, it isn't very far from my TV to the kitchen.
Brunette: "You're telling me you've never seen the movie 'Pinocchio'?"
Blonde: "Hell no! I don't watch porn!"
Brunette: "How do you figure 'Pinocchio' is porn?"
Blonde: "His dad uses woodworking tools to shape his body, right?"
Brunette: "Of course he does!"
Blonde: "That's what I thought! I ain't watchin' no smut about a Geppetto file!"
I'm so glad I don't see my old business partner anymore... turns out he's a necrophiliac! I found out from his ex-wife. What a bastard... he actually left her for dead!
Did you ever see Leonard Bernstein in concert? His performances were electrifying! But who'd expect less from the world's greatest conductor!
If a nanny goat tells you she has postpartum depression, don't make too much out of it. She's just kidding.
Male Black Widow spider: "I have the whole evening planned, babe! First I get you dinner, then we go back to your place for sex!"
Female Black Widow spider: "You got that backwards, chum."
My sister won a goldfish at the state fair yesterday which she immediately named Goldie. Unfortunately, we found her floating belly up in our ornamental pond this morning. Guess I know what this means... I'm the one who's gonna have to look after the damn fish now.
Stewardess: "Would you like a drink, Father? We have beer, wine or cocktails."
Priest: "What's our current altitude?"
Stewardess: "Right around 35,000 feet."
Priest: "Better not, then. The Boss might see me."
* * *
Radio operator: "Sir, the Titanic is making record time across the North Atlantic!"
Ship owner: "Of course!"
Radio operator: "Sir, the Titanic has just run into an iceberg!"
Ship owner: "Off course."
* * *
From what I've read, Adolf Hitler never touched alcohol. Probably just as well... he might have turned out to be a mean drunk.
* * *
Hitler needed to unwind from the pressures of his war campaign, so Goebbels recommended he take up golf. It didn't really work out... der Führer didn't have the right temperament for the game. One shot in the bunker and he was finished.
* * *
I used to build mud pies when I was young. They taught me so much about cuisine... little did I suspect they'd all turn into earth-day cakes!
* * *
She: "You know, if you keep picking on our son, he's going to have issues later in life."
He: "What?! Me, picking on one of our boys? I swear, I've never noticed it! Which one is it... Mathew, Steve or the ugly runt?"
* * *
I missed class today and now they're forcing me to take a makeup exam. This is stupid! I'm studying geography, not cosmetology!
* * *
Belgium must have the most aggravating species of insect on Earth! They're well known for their ant twerp.
* * *
I've heard that apathy is one of the first signs of dementia. Who says so? Who the hell cares!
* * *
You're familiar with the fable about the wolf who put on a sheepskin so he could infiltrate the flock, right? Did you know that before that time, his species didn't even have a proper name? It's a fact reflected in the original spelling of the word: woolf.
* * *
In my experience, schizophrenics can't be trusted to make purchases. I never met one yet who could manage their invoices.
* * *
In case you missed it, God just made an announcement from Heaven. It's important news, so you better listen up: "You people have gotten it wrong for centuries now! It's actually pronounced 'Jod'."
* * *
I've been told that geese mate for life. And that turns out to be true, as far as it went... once I got hold of one, its life lasted about ten minutes.
* * *
Before he was taught his lesson, Ebenezer Scrooge hoarded every coin. I bet he was a lot happier afterward... no human wants to be known as a guinea pig.
* * *
I've been running constantly, but still can't seem to lose any weight. Though I do admit, it isn't very far from my TV to the kitchen.
* * *
Brunette: "You're telling me you've never seen the movie 'Pinocchio'?"
Blonde: "Hell no! I don't watch porn!"
Brunette: "How do you figure 'Pinocchio' is porn?"
Blonde: "His dad uses woodworking tools to shape his body, right?"
Brunette: "Of course he does!"
Blonde: "That's what I thought! I ain't watchin' no smut about a Geppetto file!"
* * *
I'm so glad I don't see my old business partner anymore... turns out he's a necrophiliac! I found out from his ex-wife. What a bastard... he actually left her for dead!
* * *
Did you ever see Leonard Bernstein in concert? His performances were electrifying! But who'd expect less from the world's greatest conductor!
* * *
If a nanny goat tells you she has postpartum depression, don't make too much out of it. She's just kidding.
* * *
Male Black Widow spider: "I have the whole evening planned, babe! First I get you dinner, then we go back to your place for sex!"
Female Black Widow spider: "You got that backwards, chum."
* * *
My sister won a goldfish at the state fair yesterday which she immediately named Goldie. Unfortunately, we found her floating belly up in our ornamental pond this morning. Guess I know what this means... I'm the one who's gonna have to look after the damn fish now.
* * *
Stewardess: "Would you like a drink, Father? We have beer, wine or cocktails."
Priest: "What's our current altitude?"
Stewardess: "Right around 35,000 feet."
Priest: "Better not, then. The Boss might see me."
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