Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
A German tourist enters a US bar.
Bartender: "Hold it right there, Adolf! We don't serve your kind here!"
German: "Oh, das ist no problem. Mein Sohn does not drink anyvay."
I saw this old movie on TV called "Mark of the Vampires". Pretty sloppy production; they couldn't even get the title right. The guy's name was Dracula, not Mark.
She: "Have you ever played strip poker?"
He: "Only when I was in high school. My steady and me used to hang out behind the bleachers; she'd strip, I'd poke her."
My brother gets paid to take part in sleep studies. Man, I wish I could do that! It'd be my dream job!
Have you heard? Turns out Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has COVID! He first became aware of it when he couldn't smell what he was cooking.
I shower on my knees these days. My hair's been falling out and I've heard that this will reduce the rate by 50%.
Captain Kirk would never allow a seedy bar onboard the Enterprise. The last thing a starship needs is a hole in the wall.
When my girlfriend and me broke up, she returned all the money I'd loaned her... not a penny less, not a penny more. About what I expected... I'd known for some time that I had no interest in our relationship.
A robbery took place last night and the first one questioned about it was the town shepherd. He has a known connection to crooks.
My wife constantly complains about being harassed while she works. If she hates it so much, she outta just go back to the office.
The king's fool couldn't figure a single way to amuse his master. He was at his twit's end.
My professor just balled me out, accusing me of plagiarising from one of his books. Well, I'll just have to take his word.
After his successful performance in "Pinocchio", Jiminy Cricket was offered a plum role in an early cartoon version of "The Little Mermaid"... that of a wise-cracking piece of fish bait. But he turned it down; he was afraid of being type cast.
"Good fences make good neighbors"... I never properly appreciated that old phrase until I became a pickpocket.
Nazcar announcer: "I understand you just set a new track record! Tell me, just how fast were you going?"
Driver: "Well, I find it a good rule of thumb to go exactly as fast as the car."
I threw a boomerang one day,
not twenty yards from here.
I watched till it was out of sight;
I live in constant fear.
Q: It's well understood that Star Wars' Ewoks are furry... but upon which side do they have the most fur?
A: The outside.
I'd love to be a father one of these days! I'm sure my son wishes it was sooner than that.
"Hey, look at these keen sweaters! And the store's having a 'buy one, get one free' sale! If we go in together, we can both get what we want! Think of the savings!"
"Sounds good to me. Which one are you going to pick?"
"The free one!"
My wife may not be beautiful, but I still think of her as a sex object. Every time I'm after sex, she objects.
Q: How did Johnny Depp clean the deck of the Black Pearl?
A: He used an Orlando broom.
It's always a shock to see your lover naked for the first time. If you don't believe me, just ask all the women I've exposed myself to in the park.
Bartender: "Hold it right there, Adolf! We don't serve your kind here!"
German: "Oh, das ist no problem. Mein Sohn does not drink anyvay."
* * *
I saw this old movie on TV called "Mark of the Vampires". Pretty sloppy production; they couldn't even get the title right. The guy's name was Dracula, not Mark.
* * *
She: "Have you ever played strip poker?"
He: "Only when I was in high school. My steady and me used to hang out behind the bleachers; she'd strip, I'd poke her."
* * *
My brother gets paid to take part in sleep studies. Man, I wish I could do that! It'd be my dream job!
* * *
Have you heard? Turns out Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has COVID! He first became aware of it when he couldn't smell what he was cooking.
* * *
I shower on my knees these days. My hair's been falling out and I've heard that this will reduce the rate by 50%.
* * *
Captain Kirk would never allow a seedy bar onboard the Enterprise. The last thing a starship needs is a hole in the wall.
* * *
When my girlfriend and me broke up, she returned all the money I'd loaned her... not a penny less, not a penny more. About what I expected... I'd known for some time that I had no interest in our relationship.
* * *
A robbery took place last night and the first one questioned about it was the town shepherd. He has a known connection to crooks.
* * *
My wife constantly complains about being harassed while she works. If she hates it so much, she outta just go back to the office.
* * *
The king's fool couldn't figure a single way to amuse his master. He was at his twit's end.
* * *
My professor just balled me out, accusing me of plagiarising from one of his books. Well, I'll just have to take his word.
* * *
After his successful performance in "Pinocchio", Jiminy Cricket was offered a plum role in an early cartoon version of "The Little Mermaid"... that of a wise-cracking piece of fish bait. But he turned it down; he was afraid of being type cast.
* * *
"Good fences make good neighbors"... I never properly appreciated that old phrase until I became a pickpocket.
* * *
Nazcar announcer: "I understand you just set a new track record! Tell me, just how fast were you going?"
Driver: "Well, I find it a good rule of thumb to go exactly as fast as the car."
* * *
I threw a boomerang one day,
not twenty yards from here.
I watched till it was out of sight;
I live in constant fear.
* * *
Q: It's well understood that Star Wars' Ewoks are furry... but upon which side do they have the most fur?
A: The outside.
* * *
I'd love to be a father one of these days! I'm sure my son wishes it was sooner than that.
* * *
"Hey, look at these keen sweaters! And the store's having a 'buy one, get one free' sale! If we go in together, we can both get what we want! Think of the savings!"
"Sounds good to me. Which one are you going to pick?"
"The free one!"
* * *
My wife may not be beautiful, but I still think of her as a sex object. Every time I'm after sex, she objects.
* * *
Q: How did Johnny Depp clean the deck of the Black Pearl?
A: He used an Orlando broom.
* * *
It's always a shock to see your lover naked for the first time. If you don't believe me, just ask all the women I've exposed myself to in the park.
