Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I know a man who has a neurotic compulsion to count silently to himself. His wife had to leave him; she could never tell what he was up to.
Q: What was the tallest mountain before Everest was discovered?
A: Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet.
My son is a priest. It's awfully awkward having to call him Father.
Jared Fogle no longer works for Subway... he's currently in federal prison. He still, however, gets foot-longs.
I work in a thousand story building. Everyone else refers to it as a "library".
Nocturnal birds tend to be dyslexic. It isn't something they're proud of... that's why they keep a owl profile.
I'm in a same sex relationship. My wife and I have done the same damn thing for 20 straight years.
A surly panda bear wanders into a bar. He doesn't order any drinks, just gobbles down the peanuts. When the bartender complains, the beast pulls out a revolver, blasts him and exits the building.
As the barkeep's body is being removed, one of the patrons examines a wildlife field guide.
"Poor ol' Hank," the man mourns. "But he should'a known better. Says right here: 'Chinese Panda; eats shoots and leaves.'"
A reporter asked me how I felt about the world's abandoned children. I said I could take 'em or leave 'em.
Noah is easily the best businessman in the Bible. He floated stock while everything else was being liquidated.
I'd have made a good basketball player; I dribble every time I try to score.
What has seven eyes and seven legs?
A convention of pirate captains.
A misunderstanding got me fired from my job at the zoo. Evidently "Don't feed the animals" is advice intended only for visitors.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they happen upon a burning orphanage.
Priest: Should we save the children?
Rabbi: The children?! It's more important to save the cash safe! Fuck the children!
Priest: Okay. But we don't have much time!
Last year, Dad complained that my sister's Halloween costume showed too much skin. So this year, she's dressing up as a skeleton.
That cannibal must be frustrated. He just threw up his hands.
Taxi driver: ... and that's why I love my job! I'm my own boss! No one tells me what to do!
Passenger: Turn left here.
I've been visiting prostitutes for years. Guess you could say I'm buysexual.
"Did you know the ancient Israelites had a name for their god?"
"No way!"
"Yahweh!"
Pablo Escobar, after being betrayed by his cartel: " ... and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellin kids!"
My Dad got into a street fight with five young punks, so I had to step in. There was no way he could beat all six of us!
So I board a bus, plop right down beside this guy, and he gives me a really weird look. "That's just great!" I think. "This thing is all but empty, and I still wind up next to a kook!"
* * *
Q: What was the tallest mountain before Everest was discovered?
A: Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet.
* * *
My son is a priest. It's awfully awkward having to call him Father.
* * *
Jared Fogle no longer works for Subway... he's currently in federal prison. He still, however, gets foot-longs.
* * *
I work in a thousand story building. Everyone else refers to it as a "library".
* * *
Nocturnal birds tend to be dyslexic. It isn't something they're proud of... that's why they keep a owl profile.
* * *
I'm in a same sex relationship. My wife and I have done the same damn thing for 20 straight years.
* * *
A surly panda bear wanders into a bar. He doesn't order any drinks, just gobbles down the peanuts. When the bartender complains, the beast pulls out a revolver, blasts him and exits the building.
As the barkeep's body is being removed, one of the patrons examines a wildlife field guide.
"Poor ol' Hank," the man mourns. "But he should'a known better. Says right here: 'Chinese Panda; eats shoots and leaves.'"
* * *
A reporter asked me how I felt about the world's abandoned children. I said I could take 'em or leave 'em.
* * *
Noah is easily the best businessman in the Bible. He floated stock while everything else was being liquidated.
* * *
I'd have made a good basketball player; I dribble every time I try to score.
* * *
What has seven eyes and seven legs?
A convention of pirate captains.
* * *
A misunderstanding got me fired from my job at the zoo. Evidently "Don't feed the animals" is advice intended only for visitors.
* * *
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they happen upon a burning orphanage.
Priest: Should we save the children?
Rabbi: The children?! It's more important to save the cash safe! Fuck the children!
Priest: Okay. But we don't have much time!
* * *
Last year, Dad complained that my sister's Halloween costume showed too much skin. So this year, she's dressing up as a skeleton.
* * *
That cannibal must be frustrated. He just threw up his hands.
* * *
Taxi driver: ... and that's why I love my job! I'm my own boss! No one tells me what to do!
Passenger: Turn left here.
* * *
I've been visiting prostitutes for years. Guess you could say I'm buysexual.
* * *
"Did you know the ancient Israelites had a name for their god?"
"No way!"
"Yahweh!"
* * *
Pablo Escobar, after being betrayed by his cartel: " ... and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellin kids!"
* * *
My Dad got into a street fight with five young punks, so I had to step in. There was no way he could beat all six of us!
* * *
So I board a bus, plop right down beside this guy, and he gives me a really weird look. "That's just great!" I think. "This thing is all but empty, and I still wind up next to a kook!"
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