Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Q: Tests for an augmented reality system were recently run in Kansas. What did the test subjects think of the environment?
A: It looked an awful lot like Arkansas.
In twin propeller ships, each of the screws is run independently, with separate maintenance and inspection. This divided system is inherently inefficient and my cousin, a mechanical engineer, has come up with a revolutionary new horseshoe-shaped design which joins both drives into a unified structure, ergonomically streamlining and simplifying operation. Most maritime experts agree that this revolutionary new drive would be a huge boon to shipping; even so, he's encountered a great deal of resistance to his "Screw-U".
Q: When eating the communion wafer, worshippers are told by the priest that they are consuming the body of Christ. How do most describe the flavor?
A: Both sweet and Saviory.
If there's one truth I know about women, it's that the thing they want most in their lives is security. Take my ex, for instance... every time she sees me at the mall, she immediately calls for security.
Dad: "You kids are a lost cause! When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was reading his school books by the light of a fire!"
Son: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."
My moron brother has been a flat-earther for the past 10 years! Up till now, I've had some hope he'd come to his senses; unfortunately, I'm now convinced that his crazy belief system has driven him over the edge.
Q: What happens when a Redshirt and a Stormtrooper get into a firefight?
A: The Stormtrooper misses every shot, but the Redshirt dies anyway.
Yesterday, a laundry delivery van collided with a phone pole, smashing the windsheld and ejecting the clothes all over the pavement. I was there; I saw it all unfold.
Mrs. "What a waste of time! You're never going to find your husband on Tinder!"
Miss: "Maybe not. I found yours, though."
While I was in Washington DC, the ghost of William Howard Taft invaded my body, trying to take over. I asked my priest what I should do, but he couldn't have been less help! He told me the former President should be exercised!
Brunette: "Did you know that if you hold up a shell you can hear the sea?"
Blonde: "That's not true! My boyfriend tried it and all he heard was the judge say, 'Six years for armed robbery!' "
I just love visiting the yoga studio! Those people bend over backward to accomodate you!
Q: It was Luke Skywalker who had his arm cut off by his dad, right?
A: Nope. It was Hand Solo.
I stood in line for five goddamed hours to buy the latest Barbie doll for my daughter! The little skunk tricked me... she said she wanted me to drive her to a Barbie queue!
Q: What method did ancient Egyptians use to travel to the afterlife?
A: A new bus.
My wife blames me for my gas problems. I say it's her fault... she's the one who insisted on buying that belchin' waffle maker.
Jesus may have been the son of God, but that doesn't mean he was the only who could do the miraculous. Maybe he did walk on water, but Stephen Hawking ran on batteries!
I never say I'm sorry when I make mistakes. I say I'm safe... that's supposed to be better for some reason.
Most people know that the word "scuba" is an aconym which stands for "Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apperatus". But did you know that the word "tuba" is also an acronym? It stands for "Terrible Underwater Breathing Apperatus".
My brother's an art forger; he just got 18 months in jail. He's better off than his pictures, though... they were framed and hung.
Hear about the dentist who treated a pirate captain? He examined all the old sea dog's broken teeth and collected three pieces of eight.
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
A: To get to the other side. Don't worry, though... on the third day, he'll return.
A: It looked an awful lot like Arkansas.
* * *
In twin propeller ships, each of the screws is run independently, with separate maintenance and inspection. This divided system is inherently inefficient and my cousin, a mechanical engineer, has come up with a revolutionary new horseshoe-shaped design which joins both drives into a unified structure, ergonomically streamlining and simplifying operation. Most maritime experts agree that this revolutionary new drive would be a huge boon to shipping; even so, he's encountered a great deal of resistance to his "Screw-U".
* * *
Q: When eating the communion wafer, worshippers are told by the priest that they are consuming the body of Christ. How do most describe the flavor?
A: Both sweet and Saviory.
* * *
If there's one truth I know about women, it's that the thing they want most in their lives is security. Take my ex, for instance... every time she sees me at the mall, she immediately calls for security.
* * *
Dad: "You kids are a lost cause! When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was reading his school books by the light of a fire!"
Son: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."
* * *
My moron brother has been a flat-earther for the past 10 years! Up till now, I've had some hope he'd come to his senses; unfortunately, I'm now convinced that his crazy belief system has driven him over the edge.
* * *
Q: What happens when a Redshirt and a Stormtrooper get into a firefight?
A: The Stormtrooper misses every shot, but the Redshirt dies anyway.
* * *
Yesterday, a laundry delivery van collided with a phone pole, smashing the windsheld and ejecting the clothes all over the pavement. I was there; I saw it all unfold.
* * *
Mrs. "What a waste of time! You're never going to find your husband on Tinder!"
Miss: "Maybe not. I found yours, though."
* * *
While I was in Washington DC, the ghost of William Howard Taft invaded my body, trying to take over. I asked my priest what I should do, but he couldn't have been less help! He told me the former President should be exercised!
* * *
Brunette: "Did you know that if you hold up a shell you can hear the sea?"
Blonde: "That's not true! My boyfriend tried it and all he heard was the judge say, 'Six years for armed robbery!' "
* * *
I just love visiting the yoga studio! Those people bend over backward to accomodate you!
* * *
Q: It was Luke Skywalker who had his arm cut off by his dad, right?
A: Nope. It was Hand Solo.
* * *
I stood in line for five goddamed hours to buy the latest Barbie doll for my daughter! The little skunk tricked me... she said she wanted me to drive her to a Barbie queue!
* * *
Q: What method did ancient Egyptians use to travel to the afterlife?
A: A new bus.
* * *
My wife blames me for my gas problems. I say it's her fault... she's the one who insisted on buying that belchin' waffle maker.
* * *
Jesus may have been the son of God, but that doesn't mean he was the only who could do the miraculous. Maybe he did walk on water, but Stephen Hawking ran on batteries!
* * *
I never say I'm sorry when I make mistakes. I say I'm safe... that's supposed to be better for some reason.
* * *
Most people know that the word "scuba" is an aconym which stands for "Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apperatus". But did you know that the word "tuba" is also an acronym? It stands for "Terrible Underwater Breathing Apperatus".
* * *
My brother's an art forger; he just got 18 months in jail. He's better off than his pictures, though... they were framed and hung.
* * *
Hear about the dentist who treated a pirate captain? He examined all the old sea dog's broken teeth and collected three pieces of eight.
* * *
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
A: To get to the other side. Don't worry, though... on the third day, he'll return.
