Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I applied for research money to study the sex life of fruit flies. The government must not have thought the work was very important... all I got for my trouble was $50. Despite good progress, it wasn't long before I lost my Grant.
Blonde: "My doctor is a moron! He says I have tiny tits!"
Brunette: "You weren't listening properly. He said you have tinnitus."
Women treat me like I'm a god! They completely ignore me unless they want something.
Most experts agree that Krav Maga, the fighting style adopted by the Israeli Army, is the most effective one for self defense. What, you didn't realize that Jews were known for their martial arts? I suppose you've never heard of Jew Jitsu!
My wife is like a box of chocolates: sweet if you take the time to explore... otherwise seems to be full of shit.
Free range children... usually the sign of a good mother. Except in cannibal villages. There, it's the sign of a good farmer.
After my wife's death, I spent the next five years living completely alone. That's over now... they couldn't keep me in solitary permanently.
He: "Did you really have to sing 'Girl on Fire' again?"
She: "You were enthralled when I sang it the first time!"
He: "That was at a karaoke bar! We just got back from my grandma's cremation!"
I had to go the the hemorrhoid clinic today. They must be seeing a lot of it lately: standing room only.
In most parts of the world, you kill a vampire by piercing its heart with wood. In France, it's somewhat different: you have to use a baguette. That may sound simple, but the process itself is painstaking.
Five years ago, I carved my wife's initials into an old oak tree. I figured she deserved some kind of marker.
News sources keep referring to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial as a defamation case. How can they make the same typo over and over?
Trial testimony suggests that Amber Heard is unbalanced. Personally, I think she's achieved perfect fecalibrium.
Reportedly, Amber has an unusual pair of preferred pronouns: she/it.
My brother's a porn star. You might think that's particularly glamorous or particularly disgusting, but you'd be wrong either way. He's not that different from you and me... an ordinary working stiff.
Back in the 1980s, preachers used to run records backwards to uncover hidden Satanic messages. None were ever found; all that ever got proved was that those vocal artists had great voices even when played in reverse. They truly are unsung heroes.
Why did I buy a boat? Well, my neighbor got one, didn't he? I've never been able to resist pier pressure!
She: "What's your view on lesbian relationships?"
He: "Not too good, I'm afraid. You just can't see all that much through keyholes."
My dog became crippled after an accident and I feared he'd never walk right again. Then I read about a vet in London who's doing remarkable work with joint replacements. I seems like a dream come true, but there's a catch... the operation plus the air fare is going to cost cost me $20,000. That's an awful lot to pay for a Britain-knee spaniel.
People live longer in the British Isles. I learned that during my recent trip... came across the grave marker for a man who made it to the age of 194! His name was Miles... Miles, from London.
Q: What's the difference between the G-spot and a ten-spot?
A: There's not a guy alive who won't search for ten bucks.
My mom always stood up for me! When I was young, the other kids teased me, saying I had a face only a mother could love. But mom came immediately to me defense... she let them all know how wrong they were!
* * *
Blonde: "My doctor is a moron! He says I have tiny tits!"
Brunette: "You weren't listening properly. He said you have tinnitus."
* * *
Women treat me like I'm a god! They completely ignore me unless they want something.
* * *
Most experts agree that Krav Maga, the fighting style adopted by the Israeli Army, is the most effective one for self defense. What, you didn't realize that Jews were known for their martial arts? I suppose you've never heard of Jew Jitsu!
* * *
My wife is like a box of chocolates: sweet if you take the time to explore... otherwise seems to be full of shit.
* * *
Free range children... usually the sign of a good mother. Except in cannibal villages. There, it's the sign of a good farmer.
* * *
After my wife's death, I spent the next five years living completely alone. That's over now... they couldn't keep me in solitary permanently.
* * *
He: "Did you really have to sing 'Girl on Fire' again?"
She: "You were enthralled when I sang it the first time!"
He: "That was at a karaoke bar! We just got back from my grandma's cremation!"
* * *
I had to go the the hemorrhoid clinic today. They must be seeing a lot of it lately: standing room only.
* * *
In most parts of the world, you kill a vampire by piercing its heart with wood. In France, it's somewhat different: you have to use a baguette. That may sound simple, but the process itself is painstaking.
* * *
Five years ago, I carved my wife's initials into an old oak tree. I figured she deserved some kind of marker.
* * *
News sources keep referring to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial as a defamation case. How can they make the same typo over and over?
* * *
Trial testimony suggests that Amber Heard is unbalanced. Personally, I think she's achieved perfect fecalibrium.
* * *
Reportedly, Amber has an unusual pair of preferred pronouns: she/it.
* * *
My brother's a porn star. You might think that's particularly glamorous or particularly disgusting, but you'd be wrong either way. He's not that different from you and me... an ordinary working stiff.
* * *
Back in the 1980s, preachers used to run records backwards to uncover hidden Satanic messages. None were ever found; all that ever got proved was that those vocal artists had great voices even when played in reverse. They truly are unsung heroes.
* * *
Why did I buy a boat? Well, my neighbor got one, didn't he? I've never been able to resist pier pressure!
* * *
She: "What's your view on lesbian relationships?"
He: "Not too good, I'm afraid. You just can't see all that much through keyholes."
* * *
My dog became crippled after an accident and I feared he'd never walk right again. Then I read about a vet in London who's doing remarkable work with joint replacements. I seems like a dream come true, but there's a catch... the operation plus the air fare is going to cost cost me $20,000. That's an awful lot to pay for a Britain-knee spaniel.
* * *
People live longer in the British Isles. I learned that during my recent trip... came across the grave marker for a man who made it to the age of 194! His name was Miles... Miles, from London.
* * *
Q: What's the difference between the G-spot and a ten-spot?
A: There's not a guy alive who won't search for ten bucks.
* * *
My mom always stood up for me! When I was young, the other kids teased me, saying I had a face only a mother could love. But mom came immediately to me defense... she let them all know how wrong they were!
