Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans Ms”]When I went to live with my uncle, he told me I’d be set up for life. I didn’t realize at the time he meant to frame me for my aunt’s murder.
Automobile tires were originally made of wood and iron, just like wagon wheels. Then some innovator tried out a set made of rubber. Of course, being a brand new product, they were terribly overpriced. That’s where the well known phrase first came from: highway rubbery.
I flunked out of art school simply for using the wrong sketch pencil. It just wasn’t 2B.
Professor Van Helsing devised a novel way of wiping out Dracula and his kin: an all-you-can-eat restaurant that specialized in blood pudding, blood sausage, blood soup... any food that used blood as it’s base. What the bloodsuckers didn’t realize was that the dishes had been prepared with holy water, to them a deadly poison. The name of this successful
strategy soon became famous: Buffet, the Vampire Slayer.
I’ve seen statistics stating that a full 50% of marriages end in divorce. And those are the lucky ones... the rest of them end in death.
Brunette: “I’m in a profession that demands I work with efficiency.”
Blonde: “ So....... you’re a marine biologist?”
The New Guinea Olympics team will field its first cannibal marathon runner. He doesn’t care that much about sports; he’s just after some fast food.
Bring home a loaf of rye and you’re called a breadwinner. I don’t understand that; it’s the baker who makes all the dough.
The term “dog college” is a misnomer; such institutions teach only K-9.
Whenever my wife is in the hospital, I take her flowers. Why not? My girlfriend ain’t sick... she can appreciate ‘em better.
Ever tried to find a John le Carré novel? It’s not that easy; they’re all undercover.
My sister refuses to buy dog shampoo for her Teacup Poodle. She says she won’t support any product that’s been tested on animals.
US college student: “Gotta confess, like everyone else on campus I eat a lot of ramen.”
New Guinea college student: “That’s very, very bad for you! Don’t you know you should always cook them first!”
I really fouled up. My wife and I took part in a game of Truth or Dare and she asked me who among her friends I’d want if I was arranging the ideal threesome. It didn’t occur to me I should have picked only one.
Never put off till tomorrow anything that can be done today. A true procrastinator puts it off for a whole month!
Getting a job as a percussionist wasn’t as hard as I thought. I just had to answer a few cymbal questions.
A young couple is taking a charter boat tour of the Okefenokee Swamp, when the boyfriend leans too far out to get a picture and falls overboard. A search is immediately commenced, and they finally find the poor guy mangled by a nest of alligator snapping turtles.
“ Save him before it’s too late!” wails the girl. “His body is falling apart!”
“There’s nothing I can do,” replies the tour guide mournfully. “A turtle, he clips of the heart.”
I handle the finances of a multi-billion dollar corporation, yet I get no respect at home. My wife still insists on introducing me as a “damn McDonalds cashier!”
Q: How should a wife punish a cheating baseball player husband?
A: Two balls, one strike.
This new prescription is worthless! The instructions tell me to “Swallow two teaspoons once daily.” Jesus, how much silverware do they think I have!
Dr. Frankenstein tried to teach his creature to be human as he assembled it piece by piece... but it wasn’t until he inserted an eyeball that he had a proper pupil.
A tourist from Texas goes on a London vacation. He visits many of the famous landmarks, but no matter what wonders he sees he remains unimpressed.
“Like that fancy ol’ building,” he crows to a constable. “Sure, I reckon it has lotsa history and such, but in Texas we got the exact same kinda building and it’s four times as big.”
“Shouldn’t be at all surprised, sir,” replies the bobby with a grin. “That’s a psychiatrist hospital.”[/FONT]
* * *
Automobile tires were originally made of wood and iron, just like wagon wheels. Then some innovator tried out a set made of rubber. Of course, being a brand new product, they were terribly overpriced. That’s where the well known phrase first came from: highway rubbery.
* * *
I flunked out of art school simply for using the wrong sketch pencil. It just wasn’t 2B.
* * *
Professor Van Helsing devised a novel way of wiping out Dracula and his kin: an all-you-can-eat restaurant that specialized in blood pudding, blood sausage, blood soup... any food that used blood as it’s base. What the bloodsuckers didn’t realize was that the dishes had been prepared with holy water, to them a deadly poison. The name of this successful
strategy soon became famous: Buffet, the Vampire Slayer.
* * *
I’ve seen statistics stating that a full 50% of marriages end in divorce. And those are the lucky ones... the rest of them end in death.
* * *
Brunette: “I’m in a profession that demands I work with efficiency.”
Blonde: “ So....... you’re a marine biologist?”
* * *
The New Guinea Olympics team will field its first cannibal marathon runner. He doesn’t care that much about sports; he’s just after some fast food.
* * *
Bring home a loaf of rye and you’re called a breadwinner. I don’t understand that; it’s the baker who makes all the dough.
* * *
The term “dog college” is a misnomer; such institutions teach only K-9.
* * *
Whenever my wife is in the hospital, I take her flowers. Why not? My girlfriend ain’t sick... she can appreciate ‘em better.
* * *
Ever tried to find a John le Carré novel? It’s not that easy; they’re all undercover.
* * *
My sister refuses to buy dog shampoo for her Teacup Poodle. She says she won’t support any product that’s been tested on animals.
* * *
US college student: “Gotta confess, like everyone else on campus I eat a lot of ramen.”
New Guinea college student: “That’s very, very bad for you! Don’t you know you should always cook them first!”
* * *
I really fouled up. My wife and I took part in a game of Truth or Dare and she asked me who among her friends I’d want if I was arranging the ideal threesome. It didn’t occur to me I should have picked only one.
* * *
Never put off till tomorrow anything that can be done today. A true procrastinator puts it off for a whole month!
* * *
Getting a job as a percussionist wasn’t as hard as I thought. I just had to answer a few cymbal questions.
* * *
A young couple is taking a charter boat tour of the Okefenokee Swamp, when the boyfriend leans too far out to get a picture and falls overboard. A search is immediately commenced, and they finally find the poor guy mangled by a nest of alligator snapping turtles.
“ Save him before it’s too late!” wails the girl. “His body is falling apart!”
“There’s nothing I can do,” replies the tour guide mournfully. “A turtle, he clips of the heart.”
* * *
I handle the finances of a multi-billion dollar corporation, yet I get no respect at home. My wife still insists on introducing me as a “damn McDonalds cashier!”
* * *
Q: How should a wife punish a cheating baseball player husband?
A: Two balls, one strike.
* * *
This new prescription is worthless! The instructions tell me to “Swallow two teaspoons once daily.” Jesus, how much silverware do they think I have!
* * *
Dr. Frankenstein tried to teach his creature to be human as he assembled it piece by piece... but it wasn’t until he inserted an eyeball that he had a proper pupil.
* * *
A tourist from Texas goes on a London vacation. He visits many of the famous landmarks, but no matter what wonders he sees he remains unimpressed.
“Like that fancy ol’ building,” he crows to a constable. “Sure, I reckon it has lotsa history and such, but in Texas we got the exact same kinda building and it’s four times as big.”
“Shouldn’t be at all surprised, sir,” replies the bobby with a grin. “That’s a psychiatrist hospital.”[/FONT]
