Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Abolish the Law of Gravity, man! The only reason it's there is to keep us down!
My girlfriend plans to take part in a wet t-shirt contest. She's determined to win... even if competition is fierce, I'm sure she'll pull it off.
Crooks broke into a German bakery and got away with a large supply of fruit bread. Every bit of it was Stollen.
"I'm afraid I have some terrible news about your wife."
"B... but she just went out to get a gallon of milk!"
"I know. She was killed in a traffic accident while on her way to the store."
"Oh my God, I can't believe it! What am I supposed to put on my corn flakes tomorrow!"
My cousin, a double amputee, evidently lost his sense of humor after the operation. He just won't laugh at any of my jokes. Too bad, too; most of 'em are knee-slappers!
The myth that a cat has nine lives is evidently a mistranslation from the original German. There, when puss bites the dust, it has nein lives.
I plan to take off five pounds once the quarantine is over. That's right, I'll be visiting a barber.
Physicist Stephen Hawking appeared in several episodes of "The Simpsons". It was the partial fulfillment of a lifelong dream... he always wanted to be a stand-up comic. Unfortunately, the best he could manage was a sitcom.
I gave my 2-year old a toy doctor's kit for her birthday. My wife thought she might be too young to appreciate it, but there she was afterward play Peekaboo, ICU!
Q: Which is faster, a broiled chicken or a frozen one?
A: The hot one... it's all too easy to catch a cold.
If you don't know whether to use the word "which" or "witch", ask a sorceress. She'll be happy to use her spell-check.
Ice cream trucks are prone to crash on rural routes. It's the hazards of the rocky road.
My son's just turned that age where he's becoming curious about the human body. Guess I got no choice now but to bury it in the basement.
Never place yogurt on the same shelf where you keep penicillin. They just don't get along... one is probiotic, the other antibiotic.
This Ancient History course is boring my ass off. It's to be expected when the teacher tends to Babylon.
Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Quenching your thirst.
I haven't smiled or laughed much since my wife's funeral. But you can't expect to have fun like that every day.
The Germans are well known for their ingratitude. They're entirely merciless.
Our church put on a play about Jesus and I was cast as the Messiah. However, I have red hair which didn't fit the traditional depiction. An hour in the makeup chair solved that problem. It confused my parents, but the director explained everything: "Your son dyed for our scenes."
April showers used to bring May flowers. This year, April disease brings killer bees.
Q: What sound does a Murder Hornet make when it smacks into your windshield?
A: Bee flat.
Murder Hornet rap: https://www. youtube.com/watch?v=LQqVbU0sy0I
* * *
My girlfriend plans to take part in a wet t-shirt contest. She's determined to win... even if competition is fierce, I'm sure she'll pull it off.
* * *
Crooks broke into a German bakery and got away with a large supply of fruit bread. Every bit of it was Stollen.
* * *
"I'm afraid I have some terrible news about your wife."
"B... but she just went out to get a gallon of milk!"
"I know. She was killed in a traffic accident while on her way to the store."
"Oh my God, I can't believe it! What am I supposed to put on my corn flakes tomorrow!"
* * *
My cousin, a double amputee, evidently lost his sense of humor after the operation. He just won't laugh at any of my jokes. Too bad, too; most of 'em are knee-slappers!
* * *
The myth that a cat has nine lives is evidently a mistranslation from the original German. There, when puss bites the dust, it has nein lives.
* * *
I plan to take off five pounds once the quarantine is over. That's right, I'll be visiting a barber.
* * *
Physicist Stephen Hawking appeared in several episodes of "The Simpsons". It was the partial fulfillment of a lifelong dream... he always wanted to be a stand-up comic. Unfortunately, the best he could manage was a sitcom.
* * *
I gave my 2-year old a toy doctor's kit for her birthday. My wife thought she might be too young to appreciate it, but there she was afterward play Peekaboo, ICU!
* * *
Q: Which is faster, a broiled chicken or a frozen one?
A: The hot one... it's all too easy to catch a cold.
* * *
If you don't know whether to use the word "which" or "witch", ask a sorceress. She'll be happy to use her spell-check.
* * *
Ice cream trucks are prone to crash on rural routes. It's the hazards of the rocky road.
* * *
My son's just turned that age where he's becoming curious about the human body. Guess I got no choice now but to bury it in the basement.
* * *
Never place yogurt on the same shelf where you keep penicillin. They just don't get along... one is probiotic, the other antibiotic.
* * *
This Ancient History course is boring my ass off. It's to be expected when the teacher tends to Babylon.
* * *
Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Quenching your thirst.
* * *
I haven't smiled or laughed much since my wife's funeral. But you can't expect to have fun like that every day.
* * *
The Germans are well known for their ingratitude. They're entirely merciless.
* * *
Our church put on a play about Jesus and I was cast as the Messiah. However, I have red hair which didn't fit the traditional depiction. An hour in the makeup chair solved that problem. It confused my parents, but the director explained everything: "Your son dyed for our scenes."
* * *
April showers used to bring May flowers. This year, April disease brings killer bees.
* * *
Q: What sound does a Murder Hornet make when it smacks into your windshield?
A: Bee flat.
* * *
Murder Hornet rap: https://www. youtube.com/watch?v=LQqVbU0sy0I
