Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the same side.
Know how unpopular I was as a child? I couldn’t even get my mother to show up for my birth!
Son: “Dad, can you build me a treehouse?”
Dad: “I should say not! That would be too cruel.”
Son: “How is building a treehouse cruel?”
Dad: “Would you like it if I chopped up one of your family and made you hold the pieces?”
I built a mechanical frog in metal shop. It was a near-perfect copy, but not perfect enough: all I could get it to say was “Rivet! Rivet!”
Two nuns are walking down a dark street, when a pair of thugs spring from an alley and start to rape them. One of the nuns looks toward Heaven and proclaims, “Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do!”
The second nun stares at her companion and counters, “Speak for yourself. This one does.”
Our town’s old mohel would often arrive drunk. I told him he better straighten up if he wanted to keep his job, but it finally happened... he got the sack.
A man exits his house just in time to see a letter carrier approach.
“Hey Mac!” he calls out,
“Whadda you mean ‘Mac’?” growls the postwoman indignantly. “Can’t you see I’m a lady?”
“Sorry,” the man apologizes. “I was expecting male.”
If I had a dollar for every time my wife says, “I wish I could take off this weight!”, I’d have enough cash to buy another of those treadmills she never uses.
Everyone complains about waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay. I can’t understand why... I’ve never heard that the surf is particularly gnarly down there.
Warships are all metal these days, but I’ll bet there’s one part that’s still made out of wood: the captain’s log.
“So you’re into blindfolded archery, huh?”
“Yeah, you should try it! You don’t know what you’re missing!”
I’d rather be Tiger Woods than Princess Diana. He has a better driver.
What do bone-eating hyenas say when they’re eager to get high?
“Marrow wanna!”
It takes three US citizens to do most jobs. That’s why I hire from south of the border; it only takes Juan.
Waitress: “You all done eating?”
Diner: “Yeah, that’s all I can hold tonight.”
Waitress: “Wanna box for the leftovers?”
Diner: “Not really. I’ll wrestle you, though.”
I wish I could make a lot more money. Unfortunately, I’ve run out of printer ink.
“My pet python is getting huge!”
“Really? How many feet?”
“None! It’s a snake, stupid!”
I can’t keep my neighbor’s dairy cows away from my marijuana crop. It’s the pot calling the cattle back.
The math club at our town high school has challenged math clubs from several rival schools to a big contest. They’re considered equally matched because each club has exactly 16 members apiece. Man, what a bunch of squares!
Guess what? Today I learned that piranhas can strip all the flesh from a human skeleton in under 10 minutes! In related news, I’ve been fired from my job at the aquarium.
There’s only one thing worse than getting an erection in gym class and everybody noticing... getting an erection in gym class and nobody noticing.
Marriage is one big card game: it opens with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you’re stuck with nothing but a club and a spade.[/FONT]
To get to the same side.
* * *
Know how unpopular I was as a child? I couldn’t even get my mother to show up for my birth!
* * *
Son: “Dad, can you build me a treehouse?”
Dad: “I should say not! That would be too cruel.”
Son: “How is building a treehouse cruel?”
Dad: “Would you like it if I chopped up one of your family and made you hold the pieces?”
* * *
I built a mechanical frog in metal shop. It was a near-perfect copy, but not perfect enough: all I could get it to say was “Rivet! Rivet!”
* * *
Two nuns are walking down a dark street, when a pair of thugs spring from an alley and start to rape them. One of the nuns looks toward Heaven and proclaims, “Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do!”
The second nun stares at her companion and counters, “Speak for yourself. This one does.”
* * *
Our town’s old mohel would often arrive drunk. I told him he better straighten up if he wanted to keep his job, but it finally happened... he got the sack.
* * *
A man exits his house just in time to see a letter carrier approach.
“Hey Mac!” he calls out,
“Whadda you mean ‘Mac’?” growls the postwoman indignantly. “Can’t you see I’m a lady?”
“Sorry,” the man apologizes. “I was expecting male.”
* * *
If I had a dollar for every time my wife says, “I wish I could take off this weight!”, I’d have enough cash to buy another of those treadmills she never uses.
* * *
Everyone complains about waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay. I can’t understand why... I’ve never heard that the surf is particularly gnarly down there.
* * *
Warships are all metal these days, but I’ll bet there’s one part that’s still made out of wood: the captain’s log.
* * *
“So you’re into blindfolded archery, huh?”
“Yeah, you should try it! You don’t know what you’re missing!”
* * *
I’d rather be Tiger Woods than Princess Diana. He has a better driver.
* * *
What do bone-eating hyenas say when they’re eager to get high?
“Marrow wanna!”
* * *
It takes three US citizens to do most jobs. That’s why I hire from south of the border; it only takes Juan.
* * *
Waitress: “You all done eating?”
Diner: “Yeah, that’s all I can hold tonight.”
Waitress: “Wanna box for the leftovers?”
Diner: “Not really. I’ll wrestle you, though.”
* * *
I wish I could make a lot more money. Unfortunately, I’ve run out of printer ink.
* * *
“My pet python is getting huge!”
“Really? How many feet?”
“None! It’s a snake, stupid!”
* * *
I can’t keep my neighbor’s dairy cows away from my marijuana crop. It’s the pot calling the cattle back.
* * *
The math club at our town high school has challenged math clubs from several rival schools to a big contest. They’re considered equally matched because each club has exactly 16 members apiece. Man, what a bunch of squares!
* * *
Guess what? Today I learned that piranhas can strip all the flesh from a human skeleton in under 10 minutes! In related news, I’ve been fired from my job at the aquarium.
* * *
There’s only one thing worse than getting an erection in gym class and everybody noticing... getting an erection in gym class and nobody noticing.
* * *
Marriage is one big card game: it opens with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you’re stuck with nothing but a club and a spade.[/FONT]
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