Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I walked down to the store to buy a bottle of vodka. Once I was ready to return, though, I was afraid I might drop it and break it, so I drank the whole thing right there. A good thing, too... on the way back I fell down half a dozen times.
A masochist walks into a bar... over and over and over again.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife. Love ya, mom.
Dad got a Mercedes for my mom this Mother's Day. Best trade-in ever!
Two drunks are walking down some railroad tracks.
First drunk: "This is the longest damn staircase! It's really wearin' me out!"
Second drunk: "The steps aren't so bad. But this damned low hand-rail..."
There was a time when I'd end each written sentence with a comma. It was the worst period of my life.
Don't try to clean stains with battery acid. It's a desperate solution.
Cannibal mom: "Have you seen your little brother?"
Cannibal son: "I just passed him in the jungle."
I once called a rape hotline. Didn't take me long to figure out it was intended for victims.
It's a hero's life in Al-Qaeda! Come on down and C4 yourself!
Tony Stark built an android strong enough to hold an Infinity Stone. How did he manage that?
He fed the robot Vitamin A. It improves Vision.
I'm the last person you could call a racist... I'm always late for the KKK rallies.
An Al-Qaeda member enters a bar. He brings with him 300 passengers and an airliner.
I know a blonde nurse who always takes a red felt marker to work, just in case she's asked to draw blood.
Nintendo went through countless design concepts for Mario's clothing. In the end, I think we can agree it was an overall success.
I'm no snitch. My brother is, though.
Technology gives us marvels like airplanes and skyscrapers. But it takes religion to bring them together.
Professor: "Don't settle for easy answers. Question everything!"
Student: "Why should I?"
Sailors in WWII tended to be foul-mouthed. It came from the battleships; they have turrets.
My dad, the barber, threatened to disinherit me. He'll do it, too... he's used to cutting heirs.
Hear what Superman did? He saved a crashing plane by hoisting it back into the sky. What an uplifting story!
Teacher: "How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Blonde student: "Three."
Teacher: "No, only one. After the first, your stomach isn't empty anymore."
The blonde goes home to her boyfriend.
Blonde: "Hey! How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Boyfriend: "Five."
Blonde: "Darn. I wish you'd said three."
* * *
A masochist walks into a bar... over and over and over again.
* * *
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife. Love ya, mom.
* * *
Dad got a Mercedes for my mom this Mother's Day. Best trade-in ever!
* * *
Two drunks are walking down some railroad tracks.
First drunk: "This is the longest damn staircase! It's really wearin' me out!"
Second drunk: "The steps aren't so bad. But this damned low hand-rail..."
* * *
There was a time when I'd end each written sentence with a comma. It was the worst period of my life.
* * *
Don't try to clean stains with battery acid. It's a desperate solution.
* * *
Cannibal mom: "Have you seen your little brother?"
Cannibal son: "I just passed him in the jungle."
* * *
I once called a rape hotline. Didn't take me long to figure out it was intended for victims.
* * *
It's a hero's life in Al-Qaeda! Come on down and C4 yourself!
* * *
Tony Stark built an android strong enough to hold an Infinity Stone. How did he manage that?
He fed the robot Vitamin A. It improves Vision.
* * *
I'm the last person you could call a racist... I'm always late for the KKK rallies.
* * *
An Al-Qaeda member enters a bar. He brings with him 300 passengers and an airliner.
* * *
I know a blonde nurse who always takes a red felt marker to work, just in case she's asked to draw blood.
* * *
Nintendo went through countless design concepts for Mario's clothing. In the end, I think we can agree it was an overall success.
* * *
I'm no snitch. My brother is, though.
* * *
Technology gives us marvels like airplanes and skyscrapers. But it takes religion to bring them together.
* * *
Professor: "Don't settle for easy answers. Question everything!"
Student: "Why should I?"
* * *
Sailors in WWII tended to be foul-mouthed. It came from the battleships; they have turrets.
* * *
My dad, the barber, threatened to disinherit me. He'll do it, too... he's used to cutting heirs.
* * *
Hear what Superman did? He saved a crashing plane by hoisting it back into the sky. What an uplifting story!
* * *
Teacher: "How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Blonde student: "Three."
Teacher: "No, only one. After the first, your stomach isn't empty anymore."
The blonde goes home to her boyfriend.
Blonde: "Hey! How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Boyfriend: "Five."
Blonde: "Darn. I wish you'd said three."
