Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My motto used to be, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Then I got my hand caught in a printing press.
Do you know the duck billed platypus? It's not much of a story... the platypus paid duck immediately.
Whenever I hear we're having beans for dinner, I rejoice! The news is music to my arse!
Golfer: "Another shot into the rough! I've had it! Here, take my clubs! Take the cart! Just drive away! I'm marching out into the lake to drown myself!"
Caddy: "Are you sure you can keep your head down that long?"
As a resolution, I gave up drinking for good on January 1st... figured one day a year without booze couldn't possibly be that painful.
Q: What happens when the Leaning Tower of Pisa finally topples over?
A: It becomes the I Fell Tower.
According to my nutritionist, everyone should have at least one banana per day. She says they're ideal for cleaning out your colon. I'm not big into fruit, so I found the idea off-putting at first; happily, they have this really big handle so you can pull them out again.
The remake of the "Little Mermaid" movie is supposed to be a powerhouse in theaters this year... it's Disney's attempt to win the box office war with Ariel supremacy.
My wife is taking the kids and leaving me, all because I'm a degenerate gambler. I can see her now through the window, loading them into the station wagon. They're at the gate... and they're off!
Blonde: "What'cha watchin'?"
Brunette: "Hockey game."
Blonde: "Says '3' up in the corner... must mean it's the third quarter."
Brunette: "Not the third quarter. The third period."
Blonde: "Oh. I wondered why it was so bloody out there."
I borrowed my wife's audio edition of her favorite mystery novel, but accidently erased the last tape. Needless to say, I figured I'd never find out how the story ended. Fortunately, when I told her about it, she gave me a real hard look... it spoke volumes!
Q: What factor allowed Cleopatra to seduce and dominate every male she encountered?
A: Pharaoh moans.
My wife warned me last night that I'd better take a taxi home if I drank too much. Real smart advice! Now I'm wanted for a DUI and car theft!
Q: What's the only food you're allowed to bring inside a Turkish library?
A: Shush-kabob.
One of the kids in my class is half Indian. We've always called him Ian.
Yogi is the snazziest dresser in all of Jellystone Park. None of the visitors believe it, though... the rest of the bruins constantly refer to him as Thread Bear.
"Ladies and gents... that concludes our tour or the restrooms."
Q: What's the best way to ship snails to French restaurants?
A: Label them as "S" cargo.
Conversation at adult Halloween party:
"What's your costume supposed to be? You're Casanova, right?"
"Guy Fawkes."
"Yep, he had that reputation."
Lizzie Borden didn't kill her parents with evil intent... they were both getting on in years and she only wanted to spare them the trials of infirmity. Local folks understood this; she'd long been known for her axe of kindness.
Lizzie shouldn't have chopped up her dad, but it wasn't like she was unprovoked. The old geezer had a mean disposition no matter how you slice it.
My wife never apologizes. She simply sleeps naked and let's me decide if I'm still mad at her.
* * *
Do you know the duck billed platypus? It's not much of a story... the platypus paid duck immediately.
* * *
Whenever I hear we're having beans for dinner, I rejoice! The news is music to my arse!
* * *
Golfer: "Another shot into the rough! I've had it! Here, take my clubs! Take the cart! Just drive away! I'm marching out into the lake to drown myself!"
Caddy: "Are you sure you can keep your head down that long?"
* * *
As a resolution, I gave up drinking for good on January 1st... figured one day a year without booze couldn't possibly be that painful.
* * *
Q: What happens when the Leaning Tower of Pisa finally topples over?
A: It becomes the I Fell Tower.
* * *
According to my nutritionist, everyone should have at least one banana per day. She says they're ideal for cleaning out your colon. I'm not big into fruit, so I found the idea off-putting at first; happily, they have this really big handle so you can pull them out again.
* * *
The remake of the "Little Mermaid" movie is supposed to be a powerhouse in theaters this year... it's Disney's attempt to win the box office war with Ariel supremacy.
* * *
My wife is taking the kids and leaving me, all because I'm a degenerate gambler. I can see her now through the window, loading them into the station wagon. They're at the gate... and they're off!
* * *
Blonde: "What'cha watchin'?"
Brunette: "Hockey game."
Blonde: "Says '3' up in the corner... must mean it's the third quarter."
Brunette: "Not the third quarter. The third period."
Blonde: "Oh. I wondered why it was so bloody out there."
* * *
I borrowed my wife's audio edition of her favorite mystery novel, but accidently erased the last tape. Needless to say, I figured I'd never find out how the story ended. Fortunately, when I told her about it, she gave me a real hard look... it spoke volumes!
* * *
Q: What factor allowed Cleopatra to seduce and dominate every male she encountered?
A: Pharaoh moans.
* * *
My wife warned me last night that I'd better take a taxi home if I drank too much. Real smart advice! Now I'm wanted for a DUI and car theft!
* * *
Q: What's the only food you're allowed to bring inside a Turkish library?
A: Shush-kabob.
* * *
One of the kids in my class is half Indian. We've always called him Ian.
* * *
Yogi is the snazziest dresser in all of Jellystone Park. None of the visitors believe it, though... the rest of the bruins constantly refer to him as Thread Bear.
* * *
"Ladies and gents... that concludes our tour or the restrooms."
* * *
Q: What's the best way to ship snails to French restaurants?
A: Label them as "S" cargo.
* * *
Conversation at adult Halloween party:
"What's your costume supposed to be? You're Casanova, right?"
"Guy Fawkes."
"Yep, he had that reputation."
* * *
Lizzie Borden didn't kill her parents with evil intent... they were both getting on in years and she only wanted to spare them the trials of infirmity. Local folks understood this; she'd long been known for her axe of kindness.
* * *
Lizzie shouldn't have chopped up her dad, but it wasn't like she was unprovoked. The old geezer had a mean disposition no matter how you slice it.
* * *
My wife never apologizes. She simply sleeps naked and let's me decide if I'm still mad at her.
