Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]He: “Hey, this bed is too short! Why don’t you join me?”
She: “How on earth would that help?”
He: “It’ll add another two feet.”
My dad, Edgar Bergen, loved me so much he’d take on his knee, even when I was a teenager. It was so humiliating... I’ve never felt like more of a dummy.
Adult beavers build dams. Beaver pups are only allowed to build darns.
I have a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. Why? Narnia business.
The difference between a horse and a gorilla? The gorilla sells the glue.
The MacDonald’s Big Mac will always have a special place in my heart. In fact, I have a plaque dedicated to it.
Arkansas is considering a new state motto: “We’re just one big happy family!”
My blonde sister must have attempted suicide. I see there’s a bullet hole in the mirror.
Why can’t elephants spit?
They can. They’re just too polite to do it in public.
The southern states are planning to ban participation awards. They’ve started by pulling down all the Confederate statues.
Daughter: “Mom’s pissed. She says you never buy her jewelry.”
Dad: “I’m afraid that’s too true. But in my defense, I had no idea she even sold jewelry.”
I just signed up for a course called Women’s Studies. Sounds great; I always wanted to study abroad.
U-2’s lawyer went broke. That’s what he gets for doing so much pro-Bono work.
My pet woodchuck is so old, he doesn’t do much of anything anymore. He’s more of a won’t-chuck.
I got myself a new, younger woodchuck, but he contracted stomach flu. He’s become an up-chuck.
He: “Hey, I just heard that the world’s about to end. We only got ten minutes... how about we have sex?”
She: “Sounds great! We can do it ten times!”
I was camped high on the slopes of Mount Everest, when some practical joker cut the the guylines on my tent. It was all downhill from there.
A Mexican exchange student ended up pregnant. Her teacher told her she had to do an essay.
My dad’s the best at hide-and-seek! He’s been at it for twenty years.
Robin Williams didn’t truly kill himself; he became a vampire instead. I’ve actually spotted him at late-night comedy clubs, cornering patrons and going for the jocular.
The children’s book “Green Eggs and Ham” has a valuable lesson to teach. That being: if someone really annoying pesters you to eat spoiled food, you should definitely do it.
“My wife and I just had twins! We called the first baby Laurel, after her grandmother, but we’re having trouble coming up with a good name for the second.”
“How about Yanni? That’s awfully pretty sounding.”
“Don’t be silly! We can’t have two kids with the exact same name!”[/FONT]
She: “How on earth would that help?”
He: “It’ll add another two feet.”
* * *
My dad, Edgar Bergen, loved me so much he’d take on his knee, even when I was a teenager. It was so humiliating... I’ve never felt like more of a dummy.
* * *
Adult beavers build dams. Beaver pups are only allowed to build darns.
* * *
I have a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. Why? Narnia business.
* * *
The difference between a horse and a gorilla? The gorilla sells the glue.
* * *
The MacDonald’s Big Mac will always have a special place in my heart. In fact, I have a plaque dedicated to it.
* * *
Arkansas is considering a new state motto: “We’re just one big happy family!”
* * *
My blonde sister must have attempted suicide. I see there’s a bullet hole in the mirror.
* * *
Why can’t elephants spit?
They can. They’re just too polite to do it in public.
* * *
The southern states are planning to ban participation awards. They’ve started by pulling down all the Confederate statues.
* * *
Daughter: “Mom’s pissed. She says you never buy her jewelry.”
Dad: “I’m afraid that’s too true. But in my defense, I had no idea she even sold jewelry.”
* * *
I just signed up for a course called Women’s Studies. Sounds great; I always wanted to study abroad.
* * *
U-2’s lawyer went broke. That’s what he gets for doing so much pro-Bono work.
* * *
My pet woodchuck is so old, he doesn’t do much of anything anymore. He’s more of a won’t-chuck.
* * *
I got myself a new, younger woodchuck, but he contracted stomach flu. He’s become an up-chuck.
* * *
He: “Hey, I just heard that the world’s about to end. We only got ten minutes... how about we have sex?”
She: “Sounds great! We can do it ten times!”
* * *
I was camped high on the slopes of Mount Everest, when some practical joker cut the the guylines on my tent. It was all downhill from there.
* * *
A Mexican exchange student ended up pregnant. Her teacher told her she had to do an essay.
* * *
My dad’s the best at hide-and-seek! He’s been at it for twenty years.
* * *
Robin Williams didn’t truly kill himself; he became a vampire instead. I’ve actually spotted him at late-night comedy clubs, cornering patrons and going for the jocular.
* * *
The children’s book “Green Eggs and Ham” has a valuable lesson to teach. That being: if someone really annoying pesters you to eat spoiled food, you should definitely do it.
* * *
“My wife and I just had twins! We called the first baby Laurel, after her grandmother, but we’re having trouble coming up with a good name for the second.”
“How about Yanni? That’s awfully pretty sounding.”
“Don’t be silly! We can’t have two kids with the exact same name!”[/FONT]
