Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Neal Diamond is just a stage name... the guy's true name is really Neal Cole. But since he entered show business, he's been under a lot of pressure.
My brother has a condition called OCD, which means he has big compulsion problems. I, on the other hand, have a far weightier disorder: OBCD.
The hog has never been used as a draft animal. People pull pork, not the other way around.
I for one would love to use pigs as draft animals! That would be so cool!
Q: If a cow's eyes are facing toward the north, which way is it's back facing?
A: Toward the sky.
"Ten thousand, four hundred and eighty-one... ten thousand, four hundred and eighty-two... "
I know I told my brother he could always count on me, but dammit, he's taking unfair advantage!
For special effects work on "Lord of the Rings", technicians made a motion-capture scan of Elijah Wood. All they got was a fuzzy frodo-copy.
My wife says I'm obsessed with food. She's so concerned about it, she gave a powerpoint presentation just to convince me. I still don't agree with her, but damn those pie charts looked tasty!
"Sir, you're going to have to turn your car around. I can't let you cross this bridge; it's unstable."
"Perhaps I can help, officer. I'm a therapist."
While making an online purchase, I accidently mixed up the number of my credit card with that of my donor card. Bad move... it wound up costing me an arm and a leg. Plus, I nearly forgot the de-livery charge.
Q: Why did the Romans nail Jesus to the cross?
A: It was a reasonable precaution. No matter which way He turned, there were thieves.
I've tried hard to be the best standup comic in the business, but everyone says my act is only average. So, I don't call myself a comedian anymore... it's clear I'm no more than a median.
A man enters a rowdy pub and the tavern owner immediately asks him, "Duck or grouse?"
"What do you mean 'duck or grouse'?" the patron fumes. "I came in here for a drink, not a meal--", at which point a beer bottle smacks him in the back of the head. You bet he complained about it!
My grandad came back from Normandy Beach with only one leg. He was terrible at collecting war souvenirs.
However, grandma didn't mind at all! She always wanted mo' men toes!
Despite what you may have heard, whatever doesn't kill you will not make you stronger. Instead, it makes itself stronger and tries harder next time.
I don't wanna get in trouble, but fate conspires against me! Like last night... I fell flat on my face after only one shot of booze! Just one! The eleventh, I think...
She: "Did I hear right? You and Molly broke up?"
He: "Ha! Would you keep seeing somebody who's constantly stoned? Who's dismissive? Abusive? Someone who's always sneaking around behind your back?"
She: "No... I guess I wouldn't."
He: Oh! So your taking her side!"
I make it a rule not to have sex in the woods. You may think the trees won't tell, but don't forget... they're naughty pines.
Brunette: "Hey, here's why we didn't see your cousin! Look in last week's obituary: 'the late Mrs. Donna Smith'."
Blonde: "She wasn't late! She missed the party completely!"
I see there's a new book on the best seller list: "How To Solve Half of Life's Problems". What a clever marketing scheme... everybody feels compelled to buy two copies!
First dog owner: "My dog's the smartest in the world! He's so smart, he can answer questions! Just listen: hey Rex, how was your day?"
Rex: "Ruff!"
Second dog owner: "My dog's just as smart! Hey, Rover! What's that stuff on the outside of a tree?"
Rover: "Bark!"
Third dog owner: "Well, my dog is pretty smart too! Hey, King! Did you know you're a son of a bitch?"
King: "Leave my mom out of this, asshole!"
* * *
My brother has a condition called OCD, which means he has big compulsion problems. I, on the other hand, have a far weightier disorder: OBCD.
* * *
The hog has never been used as a draft animal. People pull pork, not the other way around.
* * *
I for one would love to use pigs as draft animals! That would be so cool!
* * *
Q: If a cow's eyes are facing toward the north, which way is it's back facing?
A: Toward the sky.
* * *
"Ten thousand, four hundred and eighty-one... ten thousand, four hundred and eighty-two... "
I know I told my brother he could always count on me, but dammit, he's taking unfair advantage!
* * *
For special effects work on "Lord of the Rings", technicians made a motion-capture scan of Elijah Wood. All they got was a fuzzy frodo-copy.
* * *
My wife says I'm obsessed with food. She's so concerned about it, she gave a powerpoint presentation just to convince me. I still don't agree with her, but damn those pie charts looked tasty!
* * *
"Sir, you're going to have to turn your car around. I can't let you cross this bridge; it's unstable."
"Perhaps I can help, officer. I'm a therapist."
* * *
While making an online purchase, I accidently mixed up the number of my credit card with that of my donor card. Bad move... it wound up costing me an arm and a leg. Plus, I nearly forgot the de-livery charge.
* * *
Q: Why did the Romans nail Jesus to the cross?
A: It was a reasonable precaution. No matter which way He turned, there were thieves.
* * *
I've tried hard to be the best standup comic in the business, but everyone says my act is only average. So, I don't call myself a comedian anymore... it's clear I'm no more than a median.
* * *
A man enters a rowdy pub and the tavern owner immediately asks him, "Duck or grouse?"
"What do you mean 'duck or grouse'?" the patron fumes. "I came in here for a drink, not a meal--", at which point a beer bottle smacks him in the back of the head. You bet he complained about it!
* * *
My grandad came back from Normandy Beach with only one leg. He was terrible at collecting war souvenirs.
* * *
However, grandma didn't mind at all! She always wanted mo' men toes!
* * *
Despite what you may have heard, whatever doesn't kill you will not make you stronger. Instead, it makes itself stronger and tries harder next time.
* * *
I don't wanna get in trouble, but fate conspires against me! Like last night... I fell flat on my face after only one shot of booze! Just one! The eleventh, I think...
* * *
She: "Did I hear right? You and Molly broke up?"
He: "Ha! Would you keep seeing somebody who's constantly stoned? Who's dismissive? Abusive? Someone who's always sneaking around behind your back?"
She: "No... I guess I wouldn't."
He: Oh! So your taking her side!"
* * *
I make it a rule not to have sex in the woods. You may think the trees won't tell, but don't forget... they're naughty pines.
* * *
Brunette: "Hey, here's why we didn't see your cousin! Look in last week's obituary: 'the late Mrs. Donna Smith'."
Blonde: "She wasn't late! She missed the party completely!"
* * *
I see there's a new book on the best seller list: "How To Solve Half of Life's Problems". What a clever marketing scheme... everybody feels compelled to buy two copies!
* * *
First dog owner: "My dog's the smartest in the world! He's so smart, he can answer questions! Just listen: hey Rex, how was your day?"
Rex: "Ruff!"
Second dog owner: "My dog's just as smart! Hey, Rover! What's that stuff on the outside of a tree?"
Rover: "Bark!"
Third dog owner: "Well, my dog is pretty smart too! Hey, King! Did you know you're a son of a bitch?"
King: "Leave my mom out of this, asshole!"
