Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
A snow-man is fine, but don't try to make a snow-predator. You might not survive the frostbite.
I feel so damned empty. I really need to stop asking people if they want a piece of me.
A murderer was caught with the body of his victim, along with two planks he'd pried from the floorboards. He put up a novel defense... he claimed it was a Build Your Own Jesus Kit.
I bought a cheese grater as a gift for my blind friend. He told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A man goes in for an annual medical checkup. His doctor looks him over and says, "Sir, you really need to stop masturbating."
"Why is that?" the man inquires.
"Because I'm trying to perform an examination."
The Invisible Man goes to the hospital for his yearly exam.
"What?" says the doctor. "He's an hour early! Tell him I can't see him!"
My mother is a full 24 inches shorter than me. I went to visit her at the nudist colony; I think she's the tops, of course, but locals regard her as the bare mini-mum.
My neighbor steals kinetic energy. He's a joule thief.
There are 197 cattle in my pasture, but I'll have an even 200 once I round them up.
Give a man a fish, and he'll say: "No, I ordered a Big Mac."
Teach a man to fish, and he'll say: " What the hell kind of McDonalds is this?!"
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does that mean my illegal logging operation is a success?
Ants rarely get sick. That's because of their powerful anty bodies.
What's the stupidest animal in any tropical rainforest?
A polar bear.
Flour must have been first formulated by hillbillies. It's constantly in bread.
Moon men prefer to dine inside craters. The contents are meteor.
The other day, a bumble bee landed right in the palm of my hand. I thought it was quite beautiful... beauty, after all, is in the eye of the bee-holder.
If a bee heads toward you, don't run and don't swat it away. Simply stare straight at it; seeing is bee-leaving.
I'm tired of my wife talking behind my back and pushing me around. I'd do something about it, but we can't afford a motorized wheelchair.
At our local prison, an Irish inmate developed a dreaded skin condition. It's the first time the guards ever had to deal with a leper con.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side.
A plantain is prone to insect infestation, but that's okay. It actually improves the flavor... without an ant, it's simply plain.
There's a new pro wrestler with a finishing move that stings like hell. His name is Stone Cold Steve Irwin.
* * *
I feel so damned empty. I really need to stop asking people if they want a piece of me.
* * *
A murderer was caught with the body of his victim, along with two planks he'd pried from the floorboards. He put up a novel defense... he claimed it was a Build Your Own Jesus Kit.
* * *
I bought a cheese grater as a gift for my blind friend. He told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
* * *
A man goes in for an annual medical checkup. His doctor looks him over and says, "Sir, you really need to stop masturbating."
"Why is that?" the man inquires.
"Because I'm trying to perform an examination."
* * *
The Invisible Man goes to the hospital for his yearly exam.
"What?" says the doctor. "He's an hour early! Tell him I can't see him!"
* * *
My mother is a full 24 inches shorter than me. I went to visit her at the nudist colony; I think she's the tops, of course, but locals regard her as the bare mini-mum.
* * *
My neighbor steals kinetic energy. He's a joule thief.
* * *
There are 197 cattle in my pasture, but I'll have an even 200 once I round them up.
* * *
Give a man a fish, and he'll say: "No, I ordered a Big Mac."
Teach a man to fish, and he'll say: " What the hell kind of McDonalds is this?!"
* * *
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does that mean my illegal logging operation is a success?
* * *
Ants rarely get sick. That's because of their powerful anty bodies.
* * *
What's the stupidest animal in any tropical rainforest?
A polar bear.
* * *
Flour must have been first formulated by hillbillies. It's constantly in bread.
* * *
Moon men prefer to dine inside craters. The contents are meteor.
* * *
The other day, a bumble bee landed right in the palm of my hand. I thought it was quite beautiful... beauty, after all, is in the eye of the bee-holder.
* * *
If a bee heads toward you, don't run and don't swat it away. Simply stare straight at it; seeing is bee-leaving.
* * *
I'm tired of my wife talking behind my back and pushing me around. I'd do something about it, but we can't afford a motorized wheelchair.
* * *
At our local prison, an Irish inmate developed a dreaded skin condition. It's the first time the guards ever had to deal with a leper con.
* * *
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side.
* * *
A plantain is prone to insect infestation, but that's okay. It actually improves the flavor... without an ant, it's simply plain.
* * *
There's a new pro wrestler with a finishing move that stings like hell. His name is Stone Cold Steve Irwin.
