Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My doctor urged me to try a new Indian restaurant in town... I ate so much, I nearly passed out! It was my first medically induced korma.
A tourist takes a trip to Washington DC and leaves his car next to the Capitol building. Immediately, a cop runs up and yells, "What do you think you're doing? This is where the congressmen and senators park!"
"Damn!" the visitor exclaims, "I didn't realize! Thanks for letting me know!" He instantly returns to his car to make sure it's locked.
I had a work assignment in France that lasted nearly two years, long enough so that I moved my wife and kids there with me. Life in that country is considerably different, especially during the holidays. I'll never forget Halloween... the children had so much fun going out for trick-or-retreat!
"I understand you met your wife on Tinder."
"Yeah. Sometimes I wish I'd just let 'em go ahead and burn her."
My wife and I had an argument so crazed, she ended up pulling a knife from the drawer and holding it at my throat! Actually, I didn't mind that so much... at least the knife had a point.
Never tell a ranch hand he's too old to tend cattle anymore. It makes him deranged.
I've been studying astronomy and have become fascinated by the relative size of planets. For instance, did you know you could fit 14 Earths inside Uranus? 15, if you get it to relax!
Father: "Your teacher called me today... evidently you used the F word in class! Did you think it was funny?"
Son: "Of course not, dad. I thought it was fucked up."
My cousin works at a retail outlet, one that I assume sells donuts and bagels. I don't know that for sure, but the place is called Hole Foods.
Q: Why did Frodo's uncle turn wild-eyed when he saw the One Ring again?
A: Too much Bilbo Baggage.
My wife accuses me of having a porn addiction. Frankly, I don't agree with her... sure, I look at a lot of smut, but I wouldn't say I'm addicted to it. Even if I am, I'm not worried... it should be really easy to beat.
Blood may be thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than either of them. Technically, that means breakfast is more important than family.
My son needs to look after his property better... I found one of his Star Wars figures jammed into the glove box of my car. Heck of a way to treat a toy Yoda!
Brunette: "We're studying special relativity right now. You know, the concept Einstein came up with."
Blonde: "You mean Einstein was a real person?!"
Brunette: "Of course he was! Why would you think otherwise?"
Blonde: "I'd heard somewhere that he was just a theoretical physicist!"
While working on assignment in France, I shot and killed a thief who broke into my apartment. I suppose I should feel upset about it, but sorry... no more Mr. Nice Guy.
E.T. came to Elliot's house and wouldn't leave. He was a personal space invader.
I wanted to build a monster like Dr. Frankenstein and put an ad in our local paper for the job. To my surprise, several people showed up... I had to make a careful selection out of all the applicants.
Q: How do dogs chase their tails in Buckingham Palace.
A: In a counter-clockwise direction. That's due to the Corgiolis Effect.
I have two basic rules for work: one's a tape measure, the other makes 90% angles.
She: "Is it true? Did you actually get a vasectomy?"
He: "I kid you not!"
During my college years, I was never accepted into any of the fraternities because they learned I was circumcised. Guess they were looking for complete dicks.
Guru: "Never marry a beautiful woman, my son. She can leave you at any time to find someone better."
Disciple: "But teacher, isn't that true for an ugly woman as well?"
Guru: "Indeed it is. But if she does, you won't give a shit."
* * *
A tourist takes a trip to Washington DC and leaves his car next to the Capitol building. Immediately, a cop runs up and yells, "What do you think you're doing? This is where the congressmen and senators park!"
"Damn!" the visitor exclaims, "I didn't realize! Thanks for letting me know!" He instantly returns to his car to make sure it's locked.
* * *
I had a work assignment in France that lasted nearly two years, long enough so that I moved my wife and kids there with me. Life in that country is considerably different, especially during the holidays. I'll never forget Halloween... the children had so much fun going out for trick-or-retreat!
* * *
"I understand you met your wife on Tinder."
"Yeah. Sometimes I wish I'd just let 'em go ahead and burn her."
* * *
My wife and I had an argument so crazed, she ended up pulling a knife from the drawer and holding it at my throat! Actually, I didn't mind that so much... at least the knife had a point.
* * *
Never tell a ranch hand he's too old to tend cattle anymore. It makes him deranged.
* * *
I've been studying astronomy and have become fascinated by the relative size of planets. For instance, did you know you could fit 14 Earths inside Uranus? 15, if you get it to relax!
* * *
Father: "Your teacher called me today... evidently you used the F word in class! Did you think it was funny?"
Son: "Of course not, dad. I thought it was fucked up."
* * *
My cousin works at a retail outlet, one that I assume sells donuts and bagels. I don't know that for sure, but the place is called Hole Foods.
* * *
Q: Why did Frodo's uncle turn wild-eyed when he saw the One Ring again?
A: Too much Bilbo Baggage.
* * *
My wife accuses me of having a porn addiction. Frankly, I don't agree with her... sure, I look at a lot of smut, but I wouldn't say I'm addicted to it. Even if I am, I'm not worried... it should be really easy to beat.
* * *
Blood may be thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than either of them. Technically, that means breakfast is more important than family.
* * *
My son needs to look after his property better... I found one of his Star Wars figures jammed into the glove box of my car. Heck of a way to treat a toy Yoda!
* * *
Brunette: "We're studying special relativity right now. You know, the concept Einstein came up with."
Blonde: "You mean Einstein was a real person?!"
Brunette: "Of course he was! Why would you think otherwise?"
Blonde: "I'd heard somewhere that he was just a theoretical physicist!"
* * *
While working on assignment in France, I shot and killed a thief who broke into my apartment. I suppose I should feel upset about it, but sorry... no more Mr. Nice Guy.
* * *
E.T. came to Elliot's house and wouldn't leave. He was a personal space invader.
* * *
I wanted to build a monster like Dr. Frankenstein and put an ad in our local paper for the job. To my surprise, several people showed up... I had to make a careful selection out of all the applicants.
* * *
Q: How do dogs chase their tails in Buckingham Palace.
A: In a counter-clockwise direction. That's due to the Corgiolis Effect.
* * *
I have two basic rules for work: one's a tape measure, the other makes 90% angles.
* * *
She: "Is it true? Did you actually get a vasectomy?"
He: "I kid you not!"
* * *
During my college years, I was never accepted into any of the fraternities because they learned I was circumcised. Guess they were looking for complete dicks.
* * *
Guru: "Never marry a beautiful woman, my son. She can leave you at any time to find someone better."
Disciple: "But teacher, isn't that true for an ugly woman as well?"
Guru: "Indeed it is. But if she does, you won't give a shit."
