Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I just joined the Catholic Church, even though I've never been in one before. Any organization that obsessed with cats was clearly made for me!
Q: Woody Woodpecker visited a petrified forest. How did he find it?
A: Impeccable.
I discovered that the hottest porno film ever made is also a tear-jerker. Believe me, any film that causes you to accidently rip off your foreskin is a sad one.
Fortune teller: "In your future... I see that you will suffer from 5 years of rejection, bad luck, chronic pain and ill health."
Client: "How horrible! But I'll stop suffering after those five years, right?"
Fortune teller: "Oh yes! By then, you'll have grown completely apathetic."
If you're into kinky experimenting, I've got something you're bound to enjoy: BDSM.
Brunette: "What a unique fashion statement... you're wearing one red sock and one blue sock. You don't see a combo like that very often."
Blonde: "Maybe you don't, but I do! I've got another pair at home just like it!"
I bought a do-it-yourself bird feeder at the craft store. What a waste of money! They haven't even opened the box yet!
Q: Why did King Atahualpa erect so many Incan temples on remote, serene mountain tops?
A: To reduce Hispanic attacks.
Ever see a cat staked out in front of a gopher hole? They can crouch there for hours, not moving a muscle. That would be impossible for you and me, but it's natural for them... they are, after all, on paws.
Q: Fred put his stones into Wilma's rock-crusher. What was the result?
A: Pebbles.
All the duck decoys in the sporting goods store are faulty, but funny. If you want one, don't delay: they're going cheep.
... knock, knock...
Blonde: "Who's there?"
... knock, knock...
Blonde: "I said, who's there?"
... knock, knock...
Blonde: "Who the heck's there, already?"
... knock, knock, knock...
Brunette: "Hey sister, your engine's dying."
I found myself in pitch darkness... no pickaxe... no lighted helmet... and what's more, the air was turning bad. In retrospect, these were miner complaints.
A man comes home from work only to find a note taped to his refrigerator reading, "Sorry, but I can no longer live with a man as stupid as you are! I'm leaving!"
He immediately rips the plug out of the wall, yelling, "You aren't going anywhere, pal! My wife and I need you!"
My uncle got a Purple Heart from action in Vietnam. His dick turned a particularly nasty color too.
My car was at the lot for hours as I took my recreation. We both spent a day in the park.
Q: What's the advantage of replacing your rooster with a duck?
A: You'll finally be able to get up at the quack of dawn.
I bought what I was told were rare original West African illustrations; turns out they were all fakes. That's right... I fell for the Nigerian prints scam.
Blonde: "In Natural History, we just learned about the one dinosaur that couldn't make up its mind if it wanted to become extinct or not."
Brunette: "Ridiculous! There never was any such animal!"
Blonde: "Oh yeah? You forgot about the Stay/Go Saurus!"
I was only gone from home 20 minutes when someone snuck in and took a shit! One of my best, too... I was planning to keep it!
Q: Is lake water always wet?
A: Of course it is! It's in-continent.
He: "Strange to meet you at the exterminators. What's the problem?"
She: "Turns out I've got an infestation of bedbugs."
He: "Bedbugs! What a funny name! Why are they called that?"
She: " 'Cause I found 'em in my bed, silly!"
He: "Oh... "
She: "What about you, then? What brings you here?"
He: "Cockroaches."
* * *
Q: Woody Woodpecker visited a petrified forest. How did he find it?
A: Impeccable.
* * *
I discovered that the hottest porno film ever made is also a tear-jerker. Believe me, any film that causes you to accidently rip off your foreskin is a sad one.
* * *
Fortune teller: "In your future... I see that you will suffer from 5 years of rejection, bad luck, chronic pain and ill health."
Client: "How horrible! But I'll stop suffering after those five years, right?"
Fortune teller: "Oh yes! By then, you'll have grown completely apathetic."
* * *
If you're into kinky experimenting, I've got something you're bound to enjoy: BDSM.
* * *
Brunette: "What a unique fashion statement... you're wearing one red sock and one blue sock. You don't see a combo like that very often."
Blonde: "Maybe you don't, but I do! I've got another pair at home just like it!"
* * *
I bought a do-it-yourself bird feeder at the craft store. What a waste of money! They haven't even opened the box yet!
* * *
Q: Why did King Atahualpa erect so many Incan temples on remote, serene mountain tops?
A: To reduce Hispanic attacks.
* * *
Ever see a cat staked out in front of a gopher hole? They can crouch there for hours, not moving a muscle. That would be impossible for you and me, but it's natural for them... they are, after all, on paws.
* * *
Q: Fred put his stones into Wilma's rock-crusher. What was the result?
A: Pebbles.
* * *
All the duck decoys in the sporting goods store are faulty, but funny. If you want one, don't delay: they're going cheep.
* * *
... knock, knock...
Blonde: "Who's there?"
... knock, knock...
Blonde: "I said, who's there?"
... knock, knock...
Blonde: "Who the heck's there, already?"
... knock, knock, knock...
Brunette: "Hey sister, your engine's dying."
* * *
I found myself in pitch darkness... no pickaxe... no lighted helmet... and what's more, the air was turning bad. In retrospect, these were miner complaints.
* * *
A man comes home from work only to find a note taped to his refrigerator reading, "Sorry, but I can no longer live with a man as stupid as you are! I'm leaving!"
He immediately rips the plug out of the wall, yelling, "You aren't going anywhere, pal! My wife and I need you!"
* * *
My uncle got a Purple Heart from action in Vietnam. His dick turned a particularly nasty color too.
* * *
My car was at the lot for hours as I took my recreation. We both spent a day in the park.
* * *
Q: What's the advantage of replacing your rooster with a duck?
A: You'll finally be able to get up at the quack of dawn.
* * *
I bought what I was told were rare original West African illustrations; turns out they were all fakes. That's right... I fell for the Nigerian prints scam.
* * *
Blonde: "In Natural History, we just learned about the one dinosaur that couldn't make up its mind if it wanted to become extinct or not."
Brunette: "Ridiculous! There never was any such animal!"
Blonde: "Oh yeah? You forgot about the Stay/Go Saurus!"
* * *
I was only gone from home 20 minutes when someone snuck in and took a shit! One of my best, too... I was planning to keep it!
* * *
Q: Is lake water always wet?
A: Of course it is! It's in-continent.
* * *
He: "Strange to meet you at the exterminators. What's the problem?"
She: "Turns out I've got an infestation of bedbugs."
He: "Bedbugs! What a funny name! Why are they called that?"
She: " 'Cause I found 'em in my bed, silly!"
He: "Oh... "
She: "What about you, then? What brings you here?"
He: "Cockroaches."
