Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My wife had a toothache last week. She told me the pain was so bad, it was worse than childbirth. This is highly unlikely; I doubt she even remembers being born.
Cats have it awfully tough. Imagine... being practically dead before you can watch your first R-rated movie.
Prices at the gun store are mighty high. Not like last year... I went this past August to buy ammunition and found everything to be 50% off! Lucky for me I arrived during the Back To School sale!
She: “What’s your very favorite thing?”
He: Well, I’ll give you a clue. It starts with a ‘P’ and ends with ‘O-R-N’.”
She: “Hey, me too! Wanna make some?”
He: “Wow! You really mean it?”
She: “ You bet I do! Not every day a meet a guy who shares my passion for popcorn!”
I have a bone to pick with the people who named the Great White Shark. They must racists... why else assume it’s great just because it’s white?
What is the capital of Greece?
At this point, about 15 euros.
My wife is allergic to my dog Missy, so I’m forced to get rid of her. She’s 35 years old and spends the day watching soap operas, in case your interested.
If you really like omelettes, be sure to visit Texas. Hens there lay them.
A train must have gone this way. I can see its tracks.
He: “You’re extremely beautiful!”
She: “ You’re just saying that because you want to have sex with me.”
He: “Smart too!”
One of the secretaries at work is afraid she’s being stalked. I’d tell her I sympathize, but I don’t want to reveal my hiding place.
My best friend lost his banjo yesterday. It hit him hard... he was underneath the window when his wife threw it out.
We have one in every corner and two in each room... the letter “O”, that is.
A lady executive for a US firm had an important meeting scheduled in London. Before she left she asked her house-husband, “Anything you’d like me to bring back?”
“Sure,” smirked hubby. “How about a nice British girl who won’t go off galavanting all the time?”
Steamed, the woman left for England.
Three weeks later when she returned, her husband immediately asked, “So, am I gonna get my British girl or not?”
“Yes you are,” his wife replied sweetly. “But you’re gonna have to wait nine months.”
Ever wonder where these jokes come from? Well, when a mommy and daddy joke love each other very much, they plan a family. That’s when daddy puts a pun in the oven.
These psychics are amazing! One of them told me I’d come into a lot of money one day. Well, meet my 400 pound wife, Penny!
God labored diligently to build the soul of Jeremiah. In the middle of the job, archangel Michael craved audience.
“Never disturb me at work!” God groused. “Can’t you see I’m busy making prophets?”
Hear about the new video game “DJ Hero”? It’s specially designed for all those kids too unambitious to learn to fake-play a guitar.
Doctor: “Your wife is resting comfortably, Mr. Johnson, and I’m happy to report that you now have a fine new baby son.”
Mr. Johnson: “Doc... this may sound shocking and a bit selfish, but I’d really like to know: how soon would it be safe for us to have sex?”
Doctor: “Well, I still have to scrub up. But afterwards I can sneak down the back stairs and meet you in the car park.”
The squire Igg served faithfully, but had one flaw: constantly, his carelessness would result in fires. One night, he accidentally set Sir Alfred’s tent ablaze, causing it to burn to the ground. As soldiers carried their leader’s scorched body from the ruins, they asked what should be done about Igg.
Sir Alfred heroically fought back the pain of his impending death and thought about Igg’s years of selfless service. Then he remembered the lad’s fondest wish.
“Igg...” he stammered out in his final breath, “...knighted.”
911 caller: “My arm’s been broken in three places. What should I do?”
911 operator: “Well, for starters, stay away from those places.”
The Democratic reaction to Trumpyh’s presidency is much like a bikini: nobody’s sure what keeps it in place, but everyone hopes for failure.[/FONT]
* * *
Cats have it awfully tough. Imagine... being practically dead before you can watch your first R-rated movie.
* * *
Prices at the gun store are mighty high. Not like last year... I went this past August to buy ammunition and found everything to be 50% off! Lucky for me I arrived during the Back To School sale!
* * *
She: “What’s your very favorite thing?”
He: Well, I’ll give you a clue. It starts with a ‘P’ and ends with ‘O-R-N’.”
She: “Hey, me too! Wanna make some?”
He: “Wow! You really mean it?”
She: “ You bet I do! Not every day a meet a guy who shares my passion for popcorn!”
* * *
I have a bone to pick with the people who named the Great White Shark. They must racists... why else assume it’s great just because it’s white?
* * *
What is the capital of Greece?
At this point, about 15 euros.
* * *
My wife is allergic to my dog Missy, so I’m forced to get rid of her. She’s 35 years old and spends the day watching soap operas, in case your interested.
* * *
If you really like omelettes, be sure to visit Texas. Hens there lay them.
* * *
A train must have gone this way. I can see its tracks.
* * *
He: “You’re extremely beautiful!”
She: “ You’re just saying that because you want to have sex with me.”
He: “Smart too!”
* * *
One of the secretaries at work is afraid she’s being stalked. I’d tell her I sympathize, but I don’t want to reveal my hiding place.
* * *
My best friend lost his banjo yesterday. It hit him hard... he was underneath the window when his wife threw it out.
* * *
We have one in every corner and two in each room... the letter “O”, that is.
* * *
A lady executive for a US firm had an important meeting scheduled in London. Before she left she asked her house-husband, “Anything you’d like me to bring back?”
“Sure,” smirked hubby. “How about a nice British girl who won’t go off galavanting all the time?”
Steamed, the woman left for England.
Three weeks later when she returned, her husband immediately asked, “So, am I gonna get my British girl or not?”
“Yes you are,” his wife replied sweetly. “But you’re gonna have to wait nine months.”
* * *
Ever wonder where these jokes come from? Well, when a mommy and daddy joke love each other very much, they plan a family. That’s when daddy puts a pun in the oven.
* * *
These psychics are amazing! One of them told me I’d come into a lot of money one day. Well, meet my 400 pound wife, Penny!
* * *
God labored diligently to build the soul of Jeremiah. In the middle of the job, archangel Michael craved audience.
“Never disturb me at work!” God groused. “Can’t you see I’m busy making prophets?”
* * *
Hear about the new video game “DJ Hero”? It’s specially designed for all those kids too unambitious to learn to fake-play a guitar.
* * *
Doctor: “Your wife is resting comfortably, Mr. Johnson, and I’m happy to report that you now have a fine new baby son.”
Mr. Johnson: “Doc... this may sound shocking and a bit selfish, but I’d really like to know: how soon would it be safe for us to have sex?”
Doctor: “Well, I still have to scrub up. But afterwards I can sneak down the back stairs and meet you in the car park.”
* * *
The squire Igg served faithfully, but had one flaw: constantly, his carelessness would result in fires. One night, he accidentally set Sir Alfred’s tent ablaze, causing it to burn to the ground. As soldiers carried their leader’s scorched body from the ruins, they asked what should be done about Igg.
Sir Alfred heroically fought back the pain of his impending death and thought about Igg’s years of selfless service. Then he remembered the lad’s fondest wish.
“Igg...” he stammered out in his final breath, “...knighted.”
* * *
911 caller: “My arm’s been broken in three places. What should I do?”
911 operator: “Well, for starters, stay away from those places.”
* * *
The Democratic reaction to Trumpyh’s presidency is much like a bikini: nobody’s sure what keeps it in place, but everyone hopes for failure.[/FONT]
