Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I like to think of myself as a people person. My brother, of course, has to put a negative spin on it; he's a psychiatrist and insists on saying I have multiple personality disorder!
Nobody wants to be called before the investigating detective in a cannibal village. Easy to see why... how'd you like to spend half the night being grilled?
My cousin's a marine photographer who's won several awards for the pictures he's taken of fish. Also a bit of a wag... he likes to horrify people by telling them he's a school shooter.
The sequel to the 2016 movie "Sausage Party" will open with the hotdog couple being visited by their new neighbors, a hamburger couple. The first scene has Mrs. Hamburger Bun introduce her husband: "Meet Paddy!"
When my uncle came to this country, he knew only two words of English... yet, he soon became a very wealthy man. Those two words were, "Hands up!"
Q: What did General Ackbar say when he saw his wife in her new push-up bra?
A: "It's a booby trap!"
When you think about it, boobs are a lot like Legos: they're made for kids, but it's the dads that usually end up playing with them.
When Luke Skywalker was in high school, he lost every track meet he ever competed in. To a relative, no less... Ralph Skyrunner.
When I was a young man, my dad told me, "Get out there, son, and go for broke!" Damn, I wish he was still alive; he'd be thrilled at how seriously I took his advice!
A couple who were notorious for their 69 liaisons met up again 50 years later to discover they never really had anything in common. That's why you should never marry anyone with whom you're 69ing... as you near the end, you'll discover that you're 96.
My wife's cooking tongue for dinner tonight. Never had tongue before... I understand it tastes better than it looks.
Brunette: "I'm reading this fascinating book on the Taiping Rebellion!"
Blonde: "How did it come out so quick? I only quit my office job yesterday!"
I guess Stephen Hawking didn't make it into Heaven. According to Led Zeppelin, there's a stairway.
I can't believe I came in last at the karate competition! I've been kicking myself ever since! At least I tried to... I keep missing!
Every sailor answers the same when asked what his preferred pronouns are: "I ... I, sir!"
My Auntie Nell loves sugary treats and has become rotund as a beach ball, but at least she has a sense of humor about it. When asked if her blood is type A, B or A and B, she answered, "Mine? It's A and W."
I went out to a restaurant last night and had to use the restroom. As soon as I'd taken care of business, I saw a sign which read "Employees must wash hands". Dammit! I waited an hour for one to take care of me, but finally had to do it myself!
Never name your child Amber! They're the ones who always seem to end up missing!
My next-door neighbor is furious with his wife for sunbathing nude in their backyard. He says she's making a spectacle of herself; she says that the back of their property is sufficiently sheltered that no one can see her from the street. What's my opinion? I'm on the fence.
Blonde: "I don't drink cow's milk! What do I look like, a baby cow?"
Brunette: "So what do you drink instead?"
Blonde: "Almond milk!"
Brunette: "Right. Because you're a nut!"
Elon Musk may be a bold, innovative thinker, but he hardly represents the younger generation. From what I've heard, he gives kids a bad name!
Lenin, on his death bed: "Joseph... I am not sure you are the right man to lead our party after I die. Do you really believe the people will follow you?"
Stalin: "Have no fear, old friend. Half of them will follow me. The other half will follow you."
* * *
Nobody wants to be called before the investigating detective in a cannibal village. Easy to see why... how'd you like to spend half the night being grilled?
* * *
My cousin's a marine photographer who's won several awards for the pictures he's taken of fish. Also a bit of a wag... he likes to horrify people by telling them he's a school shooter.
* * *
The sequel to the 2016 movie "Sausage Party" will open with the hotdog couple being visited by their new neighbors, a hamburger couple. The first scene has Mrs. Hamburger Bun introduce her husband: "Meet Paddy!"
* * *
When my uncle came to this country, he knew only two words of English... yet, he soon became a very wealthy man. Those two words were, "Hands up!"
* * *
Q: What did General Ackbar say when he saw his wife in her new push-up bra?
A: "It's a booby trap!"
* * *
When you think about it, boobs are a lot like Legos: they're made for kids, but it's the dads that usually end up playing with them.
* * *
When Luke Skywalker was in high school, he lost every track meet he ever competed in. To a relative, no less... Ralph Skyrunner.
* * *
When I was a young man, my dad told me, "Get out there, son, and go for broke!" Damn, I wish he was still alive; he'd be thrilled at how seriously I took his advice!
* * *
A couple who were notorious for their 69 liaisons met up again 50 years later to discover they never really had anything in common. That's why you should never marry anyone with whom you're 69ing... as you near the end, you'll discover that you're 96.
* * *
My wife's cooking tongue for dinner tonight. Never had tongue before... I understand it tastes better than it looks.
* * *
Brunette: "I'm reading this fascinating book on the Taiping Rebellion!"
Blonde: "How did it come out so quick? I only quit my office job yesterday!"
* * *
I guess Stephen Hawking didn't make it into Heaven. According to Led Zeppelin, there's a stairway.
* * *
I can't believe I came in last at the karate competition! I've been kicking myself ever since! At least I tried to... I keep missing!
* * *
Every sailor answers the same when asked what his preferred pronouns are: "I ... I, sir!"
* * *
My Auntie Nell loves sugary treats and has become rotund as a beach ball, but at least she has a sense of humor about it. When asked if her blood is type A, B or A and B, she answered, "Mine? It's A and W."
* * *
I went out to a restaurant last night and had to use the restroom. As soon as I'd taken care of business, I saw a sign which read "Employees must wash hands". Dammit! I waited an hour for one to take care of me, but finally had to do it myself!
* * *
Never name your child Amber! They're the ones who always seem to end up missing!
* * *
My next-door neighbor is furious with his wife for sunbathing nude in their backyard. He says she's making a spectacle of herself; she says that the back of their property is sufficiently sheltered that no one can see her from the street. What's my opinion? I'm on the fence.
* * *
Blonde: "I don't drink cow's milk! What do I look like, a baby cow?"
Brunette: "So what do you drink instead?"
Blonde: "Almond milk!"
Brunette: "Right. Because you're a nut!"
* * *
Elon Musk may be a bold, innovative thinker, but he hardly represents the younger generation. From what I've heard, he gives kids a bad name!
* * *
Lenin, on his death bed: "Joseph... I am not sure you are the right man to lead our party after I die. Do you really believe the people will follow you?"
Stalin: "Have no fear, old friend. Half of them will follow me. The other half will follow you."
