Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My workplace tried to make me sign a contract which exempts them from responsibility if the job drives me crazy. I refused, of course... even kids understand there is no sanity clause.
It’s considered bad form to wish a stage actor good luck. Instead, you’re supposed to say “Break a leg.” Odd tradition; dunno how it started. I suppose it’s because every play must have a cast.
“I went out last night for some fun and wound up face down in the gutter.”
“Wow... that has to be a new low for you.”
“Oh, it was. I didn’t score a single pin in that frame.”
I got myself a bad sunburn yesterday and took some Viagra for it last night. It didn’t soothe the pain, but it did help keep the sheets off my legs.
“I want to be a millionaire, just like my dad.”
“Your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
Ed Gein kept his house on the cool side. He didn’t want the furniture to start sweating.
My neighbor took his Great Dane, Duke, to the vets for evaluation; they told him he was far too fat. The dog’s weight was just fine, though.
Native chief: “If I knew nothing of your God and broke his commandments, would I be damned when I die?”
Missionary: “No. Not if you knew nothing about God.”
Chief: “Then why the hell did you tell me!”
Some guy advertised a life-sized statue of one of Marvel’s Avengers for only 100 bucks, so I bought it. Joke’s on me... it was Ant Man.
“If you ever pay us a visit, be sure to check out our historic cemetery.”
“How will I find it?”
“It’s the dead center of town.”
Technically, it should be “communism”, not “Communism”. The system was never meant to be capitalized.
My sister told me she’s been considering a sex change operation. Hey, anything that makes her happy... I told her to go nuts.
A new book has come out, all about brewing practices. It’s quite a novelty.
“Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your wife’s in the hospital.”
“That so? How is she?”
“Critical.”
“What the hell’s she griping about now?”
I just attended that “Fifty Shades” movie; I left it with tears in my eyes. Fortunately, I didn’t succeed in tearing them out completely.
“Do you really have to eat with your knife?”
“Hey, lots of people eat with their knives.”
“Not during surgery!”
Box office for the new Star Wars movie has thus far been disappointing. In fact, I’ve never seen it So Lo.
A maniac is going around punching women in the belly. Only the belly; evidently he hates their guts.
After thinking it over, I’ve decided to have spine removal surgery. The damn thing’s only holding me back.
She (after oral sex): “Thank god that’s over. Geesh... you guys all think with your dicks.”
He: “Really? You just blew my mind!”
I want to post a joke about the restaurant workers who collided, but I can’t... the servers crashed.
Liberace may have been great at the piano, but he sucked at the organ.
People say I’m too paranoid. Well, they don’t actually say it... but I know what they’re thinking![/FONT]
* * *
It’s considered bad form to wish a stage actor good luck. Instead, you’re supposed to say “Break a leg.” Odd tradition; dunno how it started. I suppose it’s because every play must have a cast.
* * *
“I went out last night for some fun and wound up face down in the gutter.”
“Wow... that has to be a new low for you.”
“Oh, it was. I didn’t score a single pin in that frame.”
* * *
I got myself a bad sunburn yesterday and took some Viagra for it last night. It didn’t soothe the pain, but it did help keep the sheets off my legs.
* * *
“I want to be a millionaire, just like my dad.”
“Your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
* * *
Ed Gein kept his house on the cool side. He didn’t want the furniture to start sweating.
* * *
My neighbor took his Great Dane, Duke, to the vets for evaluation; they told him he was far too fat. The dog’s weight was just fine, though.
* * *
Native chief: “If I knew nothing of your God and broke his commandments, would I be damned when I die?”
Missionary: “No. Not if you knew nothing about God.”
Chief: “Then why the hell did you tell me!”
* * *
Some guy advertised a life-sized statue of one of Marvel’s Avengers for only 100 bucks, so I bought it. Joke’s on me... it was Ant Man.
* * *
“If you ever pay us a visit, be sure to check out our historic cemetery.”
“How will I find it?”
“It’s the dead center of town.”
* * *
Technically, it should be “communism”, not “Communism”. The system was never meant to be capitalized.
* * *
My sister told me she’s been considering a sex change operation. Hey, anything that makes her happy... I told her to go nuts.
* * *
A new book has come out, all about brewing practices. It’s quite a novelty.
* * *
“Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your wife’s in the hospital.”
“That so? How is she?”
“Critical.”
“What the hell’s she griping about now?”
* * *
I just attended that “Fifty Shades” movie; I left it with tears in my eyes. Fortunately, I didn’t succeed in tearing them out completely.
* * *
“Do you really have to eat with your knife?”
“Hey, lots of people eat with their knives.”
“Not during surgery!”
* * *
Box office for the new Star Wars movie has thus far been disappointing. In fact, I’ve never seen it So Lo.
* * *
A maniac is going around punching women in the belly. Only the belly; evidently he hates their guts.
* * *
After thinking it over, I’ve decided to have spine removal surgery. The damn thing’s only holding me back.
* * *
She (after oral sex): “Thank god that’s over. Geesh... you guys all think with your dicks.”
He: “Really? You just blew my mind!”
* * *
I want to post a joke about the restaurant workers who collided, but I can’t... the servers crashed.
* * *
Liberace may have been great at the piano, but he sucked at the organ.
* * *
People say I’m too paranoid. Well, they don’t actually say it... but I know what they’re thinking![/FONT]
