Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My friend took his grandmother to one of those spas... you know, the kind with pools of little fish that eat away all the dead skin. Cost him $300.00, but it was still cheaper than paying for a funeral.
I find that my love life is a lot like my savings account. I always lose interest after making a withdrawal.
An old man gets back into bed with his wife. After a few minutes of thoughtful reflection, he says, "Dear... does the light in our bathroom go on and off automatically?"
"No," she replies. "Of course not."
"Damn," he returns. "We're gonna have to buy a new fridge."
I'd rather have a hooker than an onion. I always cry when I cut up onions.
Studies show that unvaccinated children are actually less likely to be autistic. That's because they're more likely to be dead.
I think I've contracted food poisoning. Don't know for sure... it's just a gut feeling.
It takes a total of 20 raccoons to make a coat... assuming, of course, that they all have access to sewing machines.
I'm eager to sell lumber online. Guess I better log in.
It's no coincidence that Darth Vader's helmet looks phallic. When the rebels stole away his children, they removed his force kin.
Judge: Mr. Mouse, do I understand you correctly? You wish to divorce your wife on the grounds that she's insane?
Mickey: Nah, I never said Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy.
Good, honest men can be found in every corner of the world. Unfortunately, the world is round.
Elon Musk was born in South Africa. He made an electric car. If he'd been born on that big island farther east, I suppose he would have made a gas car.
I accidentally knocked a drum set offstage, breaking it. Guess I better replace all the instruments... the drummer told me there'd be repercussions.
Scientists have now determined that the Zika Virus can be spread through oral sex... a small price to pay for a little head.
This past year I've been having hot Internet sex with a gorgeous, voluptuous woman. Yesterday I actually got to meet him.
One snowman to another: "Why does everything around here smells like carrots?"
The primary difference between a brown-noser and a shithead: depth perception.
i consistently write out proper nouns and sentence starts in lower-case letters. my friends say i'm an anti-capitalist.
Our sun is mighty insignificant, cosmically speaking. I give it a one star rating.
The price of rubber balloons gets higher all the time; doubtless the cost of inflation.
Nine years ago, I asked my dream girl for a date. Yesterday, I asked her to marry me. Tomorrow... well, she can't keep saying no forever!
Wife: Have you seen our next-door neighbors? Every morning before heading for work, he takes her in his arms and gives her a long, lingering, loving kiss! Why don 't you do that?
Husband: Hey, sounds great to me! D'ya think she'd go for it?
* * *
I find that my love life is a lot like my savings account. I always lose interest after making a withdrawal.
* * *
An old man gets back into bed with his wife. After a few minutes of thoughtful reflection, he says, "Dear... does the light in our bathroom go on and off automatically?"
"No," she replies. "Of course not."
"Damn," he returns. "We're gonna have to buy a new fridge."
* * *
I'd rather have a hooker than an onion. I always cry when I cut up onions.
* * *
Studies show that unvaccinated children are actually less likely to be autistic. That's because they're more likely to be dead.
* * *
I think I've contracted food poisoning. Don't know for sure... it's just a gut feeling.
* * *
It takes a total of 20 raccoons to make a coat... assuming, of course, that they all have access to sewing machines.
* * *
I'm eager to sell lumber online. Guess I better log in.
* * *
It's no coincidence that Darth Vader's helmet looks phallic. When the rebels stole away his children, they removed his force kin.
* * *
Judge: Mr. Mouse, do I understand you correctly? You wish to divorce your wife on the grounds that she's insane?
Mickey: Nah, I never said Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy.
* * *
Good, honest men can be found in every corner of the world. Unfortunately, the world is round.
* * *
Elon Musk was born in South Africa. He made an electric car. If he'd been born on that big island farther east, I suppose he would have made a gas car.
* * *
I accidentally knocked a drum set offstage, breaking it. Guess I better replace all the instruments... the drummer told me there'd be repercussions.
* * *
Scientists have now determined that the Zika Virus can be spread through oral sex... a small price to pay for a little head.
* * *
This past year I've been having hot Internet sex with a gorgeous, voluptuous woman. Yesterday I actually got to meet him.
* * *
One snowman to another: "Why does everything around here smells like carrots?"
* * *
The primary difference between a brown-noser and a shithead: depth perception.
* * *
i consistently write out proper nouns and sentence starts in lower-case letters. my friends say i'm an anti-capitalist.
* * *
Our sun is mighty insignificant, cosmically speaking. I give it a one star rating.
* * *
The price of rubber balloons gets higher all the time; doubtless the cost of inflation.
* * *
Nine years ago, I asked my dream girl for a date. Yesterday, I asked her to marry me. Tomorrow... well, she can't keep saying no forever!
* * *
Wife: Have you seen our next-door neighbors? Every morning before heading for work, he takes her in his arms and gives her a long, lingering, loving kiss! Why don 't you do that?
Husband: Hey, sounds great to me! D'ya think she'd go for it?
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