Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I give up on my brother... got him a job at the orange juice plant, but he's already been fired! He simply can't concentrate.
Q: What does a team player say when there's not enough room in for everyone in first class?
A: "Put me in coach!"
I'd like to start selling honey, so I ordered a hive online. When it arrived, I found that it was faulty... it had no holes for the drones to use as exits! Unbelievable!
Women's sports have been marginalized for centuries, but are finally making meaningful progress! That isn't to say it's easy now... it takes real balls to compete.
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a suitcase?
A: Janet, I think. I'll have to check my diary.
My cousin was offered the role of a drug addict in an upcoming theatre production. I don't doubt he can handle the part... he's always been a meth-head actor.
Your sister's such a skank, after phone sex with her I had hearing AIDS!
Investigator: "This train derailment killed over a hundred people! How did it happen?"
Engineer: "There was a cow standing on the tracks."
Investigator: "You let that many people die because of a cow?! Why didn't you just run it over?"
Engineer: "I tried to, but it ran into the woods!"
I decided to turn vegan the very day of the big stockyard barbecue. It was the biggest missed steak of my life.
The Gorgon Medusa had the power to turn men into stone. The Gorgon Zola had the the power to turn men into cheese.
Jezuz, I hate my job! Every day, I work with a bunch of assholes! Assholes, assholes, nothing but assholes! Why oh why did I ever become a proctologist!
Legoland used to feature the largest, most complex Lego sculpture in the world. Unfortunately, a rival theme park became jealous of all the attention it received and hired vandals to blow it up. The owners saw no point in mourning the loss... they simply picked up the pieces and moved on.
Back when I was eight years old, I was a very naughty child and Santa left me a lump of coal in my stocking. I held a grudge all year long; when it was time to put out his Christmas cookies the following year, I sprinkled rat poison all over them. But the bastard found out about it and killed my pa!
Q: Which breakfast cereal mascots come from a single parent household?
A: Snap and Crackle... no pop.
When I was first starting out as a human being, I had only a single cell. Everything's gone downhill from there... now that I'm an adult, I have to share my cell with three other guys.
A middle-aged man visiting his wife at the cemetery notices another man about his same age at a neighboring grave.
"I've come to see my son," the second man solemnly states. "About two years ago, he sneaked out of the house with my car keys and smashed my Porsche into a brick wall at 120 mph."
"Ah," the first man remarks thoughtfully. "I can see why you grounded him."
I never thought I was a racist, but I guess I must be. Gotta admit it... everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.
Disneyland always tries its best to keep out the emo kids. They insist on cutting in line.
When I was young, our class took a field trip to the Coca Cola bottling plant. Everyone enjoyed the visit, but the next day we had a pop quiz.
Attractiveness is usually ranked on a one-to-ten scale, but the results can mean different things in different regions. A NY-10 is usually cultured and stylish... a CA-10 is famous for being blond, tan and athletic. A DC-10, on the other hand, is always plane.
My brother has a phobia of mirrors. That was his excuse anyway when the cops finally got him to pull over.
A bunch of us were crossing the railroad tracks today, when a train came barreling along and ran down the woman that was walking right behind me.
"Wow!" I thought to myself. "That could have been me!"
Then I remembered... I don't know how to drive a train.
* * *
Q: What does a team player say when there's not enough room in for everyone in first class?
A: "Put me in coach!"
* * *
I'd like to start selling honey, so I ordered a hive online. When it arrived, I found that it was faulty... it had no holes for the drones to use as exits! Unbelievable!
* * *
Women's sports have been marginalized for centuries, but are finally making meaningful progress! That isn't to say it's easy now... it takes real balls to compete.
* * *
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a suitcase?
A: Janet, I think. I'll have to check my diary.
* * *
My cousin was offered the role of a drug addict in an upcoming theatre production. I don't doubt he can handle the part... he's always been a meth-head actor.
* * *
Your sister's such a skank, after phone sex with her I had hearing AIDS!
* * *
Investigator: "This train derailment killed over a hundred people! How did it happen?"
Engineer: "There was a cow standing on the tracks."
Investigator: "You let that many people die because of a cow?! Why didn't you just run it over?"
Engineer: "I tried to, but it ran into the woods!"
* * *
I decided to turn vegan the very day of the big stockyard barbecue. It was the biggest missed steak of my life.
* * *
The Gorgon Medusa had the power to turn men into stone. The Gorgon Zola had the the power to turn men into cheese.
* * *
Jezuz, I hate my job! Every day, I work with a bunch of assholes! Assholes, assholes, nothing but assholes! Why oh why did I ever become a proctologist!
* * *
Legoland used to feature the largest, most complex Lego sculpture in the world. Unfortunately, a rival theme park became jealous of all the attention it received and hired vandals to blow it up. The owners saw no point in mourning the loss... they simply picked up the pieces and moved on.
* * *
Back when I was eight years old, I was a very naughty child and Santa left me a lump of coal in my stocking. I held a grudge all year long; when it was time to put out his Christmas cookies the following year, I sprinkled rat poison all over them. But the bastard found out about it and killed my pa!
* * *
Q: Which breakfast cereal mascots come from a single parent household?
A: Snap and Crackle... no pop.
* * *
When I was first starting out as a human being, I had only a single cell. Everything's gone downhill from there... now that I'm an adult, I have to share my cell with three other guys.
* * *
A middle-aged man visiting his wife at the cemetery notices another man about his same age at a neighboring grave.
"I've come to see my son," the second man solemnly states. "About two years ago, he sneaked out of the house with my car keys and smashed my Porsche into a brick wall at 120 mph."
"Ah," the first man remarks thoughtfully. "I can see why you grounded him."
* * *
I never thought I was a racist, but I guess I must be. Gotta admit it... everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.
* * *
Disneyland always tries its best to keep out the emo kids. They insist on cutting in line.
* * *
When I was young, our class took a field trip to the Coca Cola bottling plant. Everyone enjoyed the visit, but the next day we had a pop quiz.
* * *
Attractiveness is usually ranked on a one-to-ten scale, but the results can mean different things in different regions. A NY-10 is usually cultured and stylish... a CA-10 is famous for being blond, tan and athletic. A DC-10, on the other hand, is always plane.
* * *
My brother has a phobia of mirrors. That was his excuse anyway when the cops finally got him to pull over.
* * *
A bunch of us were crossing the railroad tracks today, when a train came barreling along and ran down the woman that was walking right behind me.
"Wow!" I thought to myself. "That could have been me!"
Then I remembered... I don't know how to drive a train.
