Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,970
- Points
- 48
My wrist watch has broken down; guess I'll have to take it to Jiffy Lube. Seems odd to me, but my sister insists I've lost quarts.
She: "You leaving already? You've got to be the worst sex partner on the planet!"
He: "Hey, do you really think it's fair to make that judgement based on only 30 seconds?"
I was a teenager when I moved out and began doing my own laundry. What a disaster that was! I didn't even know how to start! Mom said it was easy; just follow the directions on my shirts. Really? What the hell good was "Pink Floyd" supposed to do me!
Hear about the blonde who was at the mall when the power went out? She was stuck on the escalator for over five hours.
My sister tried to turn the tables on me and asked which I'd rather come across while alone in the woods: a bear or a man. I told her it didn't matter which... I was ready to assault either one.
Two drunks are at the circus and find their way into the lion's cage. The lion snarls and one of them shrieks, "Ohmygod, I'm gettin' out of here!"
"What for?" asks the other, settling back. "The movie just started!"
... so, to make a long story short, I became an book editor.
Rowan Atkinson isn't as popular as he used to be. In fact, you could safely call him a has-Bean.
My fiancé and I coordinate so well! You should see us at meal time... we prepare the meal in tandem, take little bites at exactly the same time! Even during cleanup, me washing, her drying, each of our moves is attuned to the other's! It shows you the value of being in sink.
She: "Tell me the truth: am I too fat?"
He: "Hey, the fatter the better! Being plump is in vogue these days! I personally know at least 15 overweight gals. And you're 12 of them!"
Cats will regularly play with a ball of yarn, but I only know of a single puss who's eaten one. Bet you've heard of her too... she had three little mittens.
Q: Will Smith's next project is going to be a zombie picture. Which line of dialogue will be the most notable?
A: "Keep my wife's brains out of your fuckin' mouth!"
At some point in my childhood I had a twin brother. I don't remember him at all, but my mother has the evidence... she claims to have a picture of me when I was two.
Q: What would Fred Schneider's band be called if all the members were bovine?
A: The Beef-52s.
My mother-in-law and a few of the pals snuck some whisky into their senior ball game. At the bottom of the fifth, the bags were loaded.
She: "You know all about computers, right? How do you make a motherboard?"
He: "Usually I just tell her about my job."
Q: Why is the Mustang Ranch so popular?
A: Tradition. A cowboy always love his whores.
Dad: "See son? This is why you shouldn't use the white crayon. You've been scribbling away for half an hour and the paper still looks exactly the same! Don't you think you should pick another color? You'll actually get something done!"
Son: "I can't right now, dad. I'm drawing a blank."
When I was a kid, I avidly read that Dr. Seuss book about King Yertle. Even at that early age, I recognized it as a parable about fascists. It started my lifelong obsession with turtle-itarinasm.
Last words of the martyr as he was torn limb from limb: "Remember me!"
Ripping a martyr to pieces will ruin his value to the cause. He'll be completely disorganized.
Blonde: "I have the results from the COVID test. Got a 50."
Brunette: "50? What's that mean? 50 what?"
Blonde: "I dunno. But I had my IQ test done at the same time and there's no question about how smart I am! It came back positive!"
* * *
She: "You leaving already? You've got to be the worst sex partner on the planet!"
He: "Hey, do you really think it's fair to make that judgement based on only 30 seconds?"
* * *
I was a teenager when I moved out and began doing my own laundry. What a disaster that was! I didn't even know how to start! Mom said it was easy; just follow the directions on my shirts. Really? What the hell good was "Pink Floyd" supposed to do me!
* * *
Hear about the blonde who was at the mall when the power went out? She was stuck on the escalator for over five hours.
* * *
My sister tried to turn the tables on me and asked which I'd rather come across while alone in the woods: a bear or a man. I told her it didn't matter which... I was ready to assault either one.
* * *
Two drunks are at the circus and find their way into the lion's cage. The lion snarls and one of them shrieks, "Ohmygod, I'm gettin' out of here!"
"What for?" asks the other, settling back. "The movie just started!"
* * *
... so, to make a long story short, I became an book editor.
* * *
Rowan Atkinson isn't as popular as he used to be. In fact, you could safely call him a has-Bean.
* * *
My fiancé and I coordinate so well! You should see us at meal time... we prepare the meal in tandem, take little bites at exactly the same time! Even during cleanup, me washing, her drying, each of our moves is attuned to the other's! It shows you the value of being in sink.
* * *
She: "Tell me the truth: am I too fat?"
He: "Hey, the fatter the better! Being plump is in vogue these days! I personally know at least 15 overweight gals. And you're 12 of them!"
* * *
Cats will regularly play with a ball of yarn, but I only know of a single puss who's eaten one. Bet you've heard of her too... she had three little mittens.
* * *
Q: Will Smith's next project is going to be a zombie picture. Which line of dialogue will be the most notable?
A: "Keep my wife's brains out of your fuckin' mouth!"
* * *
At some point in my childhood I had a twin brother. I don't remember him at all, but my mother has the evidence... she claims to have a picture of me when I was two.
* * *
Q: What would Fred Schneider's band be called if all the members were bovine?
A: The Beef-52s.
* * *
My mother-in-law and a few of the pals snuck some whisky into their senior ball game. At the bottom of the fifth, the bags were loaded.
* * *
She: "You know all about computers, right? How do you make a motherboard?"
He: "Usually I just tell her about my job."
* * *
Q: Why is the Mustang Ranch so popular?
A: Tradition. A cowboy always love his whores.
* * *
Dad: "See son? This is why you shouldn't use the white crayon. You've been scribbling away for half an hour and the paper still looks exactly the same! Don't you think you should pick another color? You'll actually get something done!"
Son: "I can't right now, dad. I'm drawing a blank."
* * *
When I was a kid, I avidly read that Dr. Seuss book about King Yertle. Even at that early age, I recognized it as a parable about fascists. It started my lifelong obsession with turtle-itarinasm.
* * *
Last words of the martyr as he was torn limb from limb: "Remember me!"
* * *
Ripping a martyr to pieces will ruin his value to the cause. He'll be completely disorganized.
* * *
Blonde: "I have the results from the COVID test. Got a 50."
Brunette: "50? What's that mean? 50 what?"
Blonde: "I dunno. But I had my IQ test done at the same time and there's no question about how smart I am! It came back positive!"
