Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]It has four fingers and a thumb, but isn’t your hand. What is it?
My hand.
Employee: “We gotta lock the door, quick!”
Shop owner: “How come?”
Employee: “A big bull just got loose from his pen and he’s charging!”
Shop owner: “Don’t lock up. Just insist he pay cash like everyone else.”
Christopher Reeve was a famous actor. I’m sure he was quite happy with his success. Later in life, however, he probably wished he was Christopher Walken.
“My mom always called me the brightest star in the sky!”
“Are you Sirius?”
My kids griped that they had nothing to do, so I sat them all down at the table to play a rousing game of Monopoly. I’ve become chairman of the bored.
A 99 year old lothario enters a saloon and sidles up to a gorgeous lady at the bar.
“So tell me,” he purrs to her seductively, “Do I come here often?”
Which athletes are the skinniest?
Sprinters. They fast.
Socially, I’m the Titanic... I can’t break the ice.
If Shenia Twain had any sense of humor, she’d name her second child Two-Two.
Inventor: “Look at this! I just built a robot prostitute with a computer brain!”
Investor: “Great. Just what the world needs... another fucking know-it-all.”
Abraham Van Helsing was an expert vampire hunter. He tracked down and destroyed several noblemen who had become bloodsuckers. Unfortunately, the law considered it murder; he was arrested and charged for violations on multiple counts.
The Hitler Diaries came out in the ‘80s. They were supposed to have been written by Adolf Hitler, but in reality they were a fraud. I’ve read them; they have their prose and cons.
A soldier in the fly army sees a fresh pile of poo in the toilet. As he lands to eat, he notices a fellow fly soldier up on the wall.
“He corporal,” he calls out, “come join me.”
“I don’t think so,” the corporal replies. “I’m off doody.”
The halberd was a the weapon of choice in northern France. They used to be crazy about Brittany spears.
Alien warlords on a planet 1,000 lightyears away are celebrating the imminent destruction of Earth with their world-destroying laser beam. They fired it 999.9 years ago.
My bicycle puns don’t amuse anyone, but this unicycle one wheel.
Mom: “I’m ashamed of you, fighting with the neighbor boy!”
Son: “He started it! He threw a rock at me, so I threw one back!”
Mom: “That’s no excuse. If he throws a rock at you, come to me.”
Son: “What’s the point of that? I got a lot better aim than you do.”
The demon Pazuzu wouldn’t let loose of Regan. He was awfully possessive.
Hear about the blonde who tried vainly to climb over a glass wall? She wanted to see what was on the other side.
My brother just won’t accept that I’m a nudist. He’s very clothes minded.
This is the most ecologically sensitive collection of jokes imaginable; 100% recycled material.
A man took his shrewish wife to a restaurant. After 40 minutes of her bullying and badgering, he called the waiter over for the bill.
“Well, dummy,” she chided, “give him a tip!”
Wearily, the husband replied, “Son... don’t ever get married.”[/FONT]
My hand.
* * *
Employee: “We gotta lock the door, quick!”
Shop owner: “How come?”
Employee: “A big bull just got loose from his pen and he’s charging!”
Shop owner: “Don’t lock up. Just insist he pay cash like everyone else.”
* * *
Christopher Reeve was a famous actor. I’m sure he was quite happy with his success. Later in life, however, he probably wished he was Christopher Walken.
* * *
“My mom always called me the brightest star in the sky!”
“Are you Sirius?”
* * *
My kids griped that they had nothing to do, so I sat them all down at the table to play a rousing game of Monopoly. I’ve become chairman of the bored.
* * *
A 99 year old lothario enters a saloon and sidles up to a gorgeous lady at the bar.
“So tell me,” he purrs to her seductively, “Do I come here often?”
* * *
Which athletes are the skinniest?
Sprinters. They fast.
* * *
Socially, I’m the Titanic... I can’t break the ice.
* * *
If Shenia Twain had any sense of humor, she’d name her second child Two-Two.
* * *
Inventor: “Look at this! I just built a robot prostitute with a computer brain!”
Investor: “Great. Just what the world needs... another fucking know-it-all.”
* * *
Abraham Van Helsing was an expert vampire hunter. He tracked down and destroyed several noblemen who had become bloodsuckers. Unfortunately, the law considered it murder; he was arrested and charged for violations on multiple counts.
* * *
The Hitler Diaries came out in the ‘80s. They were supposed to have been written by Adolf Hitler, but in reality they were a fraud. I’ve read them; they have their prose and cons.
* * *
A soldier in the fly army sees a fresh pile of poo in the toilet. As he lands to eat, he notices a fellow fly soldier up on the wall.
“He corporal,” he calls out, “come join me.”
“I don’t think so,” the corporal replies. “I’m off doody.”
* * *
The halberd was a the weapon of choice in northern France. They used to be crazy about Brittany spears.
* * *
Alien warlords on a planet 1,000 lightyears away are celebrating the imminent destruction of Earth with their world-destroying laser beam. They fired it 999.9 years ago.
* * *
My bicycle puns don’t amuse anyone, but this unicycle one wheel.
* * *
Mom: “I’m ashamed of you, fighting with the neighbor boy!”
Son: “He started it! He threw a rock at me, so I threw one back!”
Mom: “That’s no excuse. If he throws a rock at you, come to me.”
Son: “What’s the point of that? I got a lot better aim than you do.”
* * *
The demon Pazuzu wouldn’t let loose of Regan. He was awfully possessive.
* * *
Hear about the blonde who tried vainly to climb over a glass wall? She wanted to see what was on the other side.
* * *
My brother just won’t accept that I’m a nudist. He’s very clothes minded.
* * *
This is the most ecologically sensitive collection of jokes imaginable; 100% recycled material.
* * *
A man took his shrewish wife to a restaurant. After 40 minutes of her bullying and badgering, he called the waiter over for the bill.
“Well, dummy,” she chided, “give him a tip!”
Wearily, the husband replied, “Son... don’t ever get married.”[/FONT]
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