Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I'd just entered a lady's apartment to try to sell her a vacuum, when her insanely jealous husband came home unexpectedly. She told me to use the back door and be quick about it. I should have left instantly, I suppose... but you don't get an offer like that everyday!
My neighbor is super hot, but I haven't tried to take her out yet. Another 30 minutes at 400 degrees should do.
Guy: What odd accents. Are you two ladies from England?
Gal: Wales, you dolt!
Guy: Oh, forgive me! Are you two whales from England?
My son was just thrown out of school. Three schools... three years... I'm beginning to suspect that teaching wasn't his best career choice.
Stamp, to letter: "Lick my backside, and I'll take you places you've never been before!"
I staked every dollar I owned on a lottery ticket, and you know what? God answered my prayer!
The answer, by the way, was "No".
Some poor guy slipped and fell into one of Yellowstone's boiling thermal ponds. I believe he was called Stew.
My son wants to develop hypothermia. He says all the cool kids are doing it.
The manager of our local movie theater died recently. Services will be held at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45.
I just ended a 5 year relationship, but I'm not upset about it in the slightest. Why would I be? It wasn't mine.
The difference between Kim Kardashian and the Titanic?...
We know how many people went down on the Titanic.
To the wheelchair-bound guy who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can't run!
A lovely lady sauntered into a bar and ordered a Double Entendre. The bartender whipped it out and gave it to her.
I've been studying about the ancient scholar who invented the calendar. What a guy! He really made my day!
There never seems to be enough food at Halloween parties. That's because everybody attending is a goblin.
I find I've become considerably smarter after suffering brain trauma. It was a stroke of genius.
The Jehovah's Witness made some headway at the auto mall, but only among the convertibles.
I thought I hired a private investigator, but he spent two whole days examining hedges. He was actually a privet investigator.
If you want my broken marionette, please take it! No strings attached!
Who understands Roman numerals?
I, for one.
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
I tried to take my own picture in a sauna, but failed. I'm having selfie steam issues.
How many tickles does it take to satisfy an anime girl?
Ten tickles.
* * *
My neighbor is super hot, but I haven't tried to take her out yet. Another 30 minutes at 400 degrees should do.
* * *
Guy: What odd accents. Are you two ladies from England?
Gal: Wales, you dolt!
Guy: Oh, forgive me! Are you two whales from England?
* * *
My son was just thrown out of school. Three schools... three years... I'm beginning to suspect that teaching wasn't his best career choice.
* * *
Stamp, to letter: "Lick my backside, and I'll take you places you've never been before!"
* * *
I staked every dollar I owned on a lottery ticket, and you know what? God answered my prayer!
The answer, by the way, was "No".
* * *
Some poor guy slipped and fell into one of Yellowstone's boiling thermal ponds. I believe he was called Stew.
* * *
My son wants to develop hypothermia. He says all the cool kids are doing it.
* * *
The manager of our local movie theater died recently. Services will be held at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45.
* * *
I just ended a 5 year relationship, but I'm not upset about it in the slightest. Why would I be? It wasn't mine.
* * *
The difference between Kim Kardashian and the Titanic?...
We know how many people went down on the Titanic.
* * *
To the wheelchair-bound guy who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can't run!
* * *
A lovely lady sauntered into a bar and ordered a Double Entendre. The bartender whipped it out and gave it to her.
* * *
I've been studying about the ancient scholar who invented the calendar. What a guy! He really made my day!
* * *
There never seems to be enough food at Halloween parties. That's because everybody attending is a goblin.
* * *
I find I've become considerably smarter after suffering brain trauma. It was a stroke of genius.
* * *
The Jehovah's Witness made some headway at the auto mall, but only among the convertibles.
* * *
I thought I hired a private investigator, but he spent two whole days examining hedges. He was actually a privet investigator.
* * *
If you want my broken marionette, please take it! No strings attached!
* * *
Who understands Roman numerals?
I, for one.
* * *
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
* * *
I tried to take my own picture in a sauna, but failed. I'm having selfie steam issues.
* * *
How many tickles does it take to satisfy an anime girl?
Ten tickles.
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Man, you kill me with this stuff! Keep it up!
