Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Central Park in New York City is really old. Most people know that it dates back before the American Civil War, but few realize by how much. To fully appreciate that, you have to know its original name: Jurassic Park.
I recently had hip replacement surgery, but I don't think it worked. I'm still not as cool as I used to be.
Hawk general: "Word is that our ranks have been infiltrated by an owl spy!"
Owl spy: "What?!"
Every time I visit my next-door neighbor, his huge Rottweiler corners me and starts humping my leg. I'm not just annoyed by this, I find it deeply unnerving: yesterday my leg bought a single sexy nylon.
Plans for a perfect tommorow: start using two "R"s and only one "M".
I'd like to give a shout-out: WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN WELL!
Q: Why did potato salad cross the road?
A: To get to the other sides.
I thought that life in New Orleans would be disorienting after having lived in Southern California my whole life, but it didn't seem strange at all. The entire state is LA!
You'll often find chronic masturbators at the race track. They don't mind blowing their wad in public.
For my birthday, my wife rented a sizzling hot porno and promised me she'd be willing to do everything that happened onscreen. I was super excited until I saw the actress cheat on her husband with the pool boy, the plumber and the pizza delivery guy.
Brunette: "So, what'd you study in History Class today?"
Blonde: "It was all about that time we got into a fight with Hitler. Y'know, World War Eleven."
It wasn't until after we'd swum the lake end to end that I told my buddy that it was full of brain-eating amoebas. Immediately, he started having a nervous breakdown.
Redhead: "What took you so long? You only went into the market to buy some cereal!"
Blonde: "I tried to, but the aisle had a sign up saying 'Wet Floor'. I didn't have to go right then, so I drank some water and waited around awhile."
My wife looks a lot like my sister... but then, you'd expect that out of twins.
The Times says that London laborers are on a nonstop schedule to complete repairs to the Big Ben tower. It's true... they've been working 'round the clock.
I enjoy vintage horror movies and last night I saw "The Picture of Dorian Gray". It hasn't aged well.
The very first pendulum clock was built in 1657... it was an invention well ahead of its time. That's why they quit using it.
It's my understanding that June is Pride Month. Personally, I don't see any reason to celebrate... think I'll wait until they get to some of the juicier Deadly Sins.
Brunette: "If you could be a famous historical person for one day, which one would it be?"
Blonde: "Gee, I dunno... Friday, I guess."
My wife... she's such a treasure! That's why I buried her.
"Sorry, sir, I can't seat you right away. The place is packed tonight."
"That's okay. I don't mind waiting."
"Really? That's great! Take these drinks to table four!"
I never knew what true happiness was until I got married. After that, of course, it was too late.
* * *
I recently had hip replacement surgery, but I don't think it worked. I'm still not as cool as I used to be.
* * *
Hawk general: "Word is that our ranks have been infiltrated by an owl spy!"
Owl spy: "What?!"
* * *
Every time I visit my next-door neighbor, his huge Rottweiler corners me and starts humping my leg. I'm not just annoyed by this, I find it deeply unnerving: yesterday my leg bought a single sexy nylon.
* * *
Plans for a perfect tommorow: start using two "R"s and only one "M".
* * *
I'd like to give a shout-out: WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN WELL!
* * *
Q: Why did potato salad cross the road?
A: To get to the other sides.
* * *
I thought that life in New Orleans would be disorienting after having lived in Southern California my whole life, but it didn't seem strange at all. The entire state is LA!
* * *
You'll often find chronic masturbators at the race track. They don't mind blowing their wad in public.
* * *
For my birthday, my wife rented a sizzling hot porno and promised me she'd be willing to do everything that happened onscreen. I was super excited until I saw the actress cheat on her husband with the pool boy, the plumber and the pizza delivery guy.
* * *
Brunette: "So, what'd you study in History Class today?"
Blonde: "It was all about that time we got into a fight with Hitler. Y'know, World War Eleven."
* * *
It wasn't until after we'd swum the lake end to end that I told my buddy that it was full of brain-eating amoebas. Immediately, he started having a nervous breakdown.
* * *
Redhead: "What took you so long? You only went into the market to buy some cereal!"
Blonde: "I tried to, but the aisle had a sign up saying 'Wet Floor'. I didn't have to go right then, so I drank some water and waited around awhile."
* * *
My wife looks a lot like my sister... but then, you'd expect that out of twins.
* * *
The Times says that London laborers are on a nonstop schedule to complete repairs to the Big Ben tower. It's true... they've been working 'round the clock.
* * *
I enjoy vintage horror movies and last night I saw "The Picture of Dorian Gray". It hasn't aged well.
* * *
The very first pendulum clock was built in 1657... it was an invention well ahead of its time. That's why they quit using it.
* * *
It's my understanding that June is Pride Month. Personally, I don't see any reason to celebrate... think I'll wait until they get to some of the juicier Deadly Sins.
* * *
Brunette: "If you could be a famous historical person for one day, which one would it be?"
Blonde: "Gee, I dunno... Friday, I guess."
* * *
My wife... she's such a treasure! That's why I buried her.
* * *
"Sorry, sir, I can't seat you right away. The place is packed tonight."
"That's okay. I don't mind waiting."
"Really? That's great! Take these drinks to table four!"
* * *
I never knew what true happiness was until I got married. After that, of course, it was too late.
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