Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
"Revolution!" I hollered at the top of my lungs. It was so unnerving, everyone else got off the merry-go-round.
Customer: "Should I have any concerns about these genetically modified tomatoes?"
Tomato: "Certainly not!"
Last night's dinner was ice cold. My wife's a blonde... I never should have asked her to serve chili.
Paleontologists have unearthed evidence of a Neanderthal playwright. They're calling him Will Shake Spear.
"Give it to me!" she shrieked. "I'm so damned wet! Give it to me now!"
Fat chance... it's my umbrella!
The cops just found a man killed with a starter pistol. They think the death may be race related.
My uncle entered a post office and started sticking stamps all over his body. The cops were called, but I don't think there was any danger. He just wanted to express himself.
Apple has been serving pirates for centuries. They're the ones who developed the iPatch.
My girlfriend asked me if I could get her pregnant from from across the room.
"Possibly," I replied. "But it's a long shot."
The oldest computer on earth belonged to Adam and Eve. Not surprisingly, it was an Apple. Pretty lousy model... just one byte and everything crashed.
My brother took my to-do schedule and used it to wrap a joint. He's high on my list of priorities.
Wife: "I want you to talk dirty to me."
Husband: " Okay. Kitchen... bathroom... bedroom..."
I drive a truck that transports donkeys from ranch to ranch. It's a great job; I enjoy hauling ass.
President Trump was on a tour of Disneyland, when there was an assassination attempt. I don't think the shooter intended to kill him; he just wanted to see Donald duck.
I've built a revolutionary new rifle that absolutely can't kill animals. I call it a V-gun.
The difference between a dinner party and the Donner Party? Not that much, really. In either case, they'll want to know if you've been served.
I just heard a new joke about defecation, but I don't plan to repeat it. It's way too corny.
A physician has created a capsule that cures all disease, but no one will use it because of the horrible flavor. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
I'm taking my cat to the vet to have him euthanized. It was a real pain making nine appointments.
Tiger Woods was just arrested on a suspected DUI. He really should have used his driver.
Tiger Woods hit 18 holes today. And that was on the way to the course.
My dad is at that time in life where all he does is talk about the people who've passed away. "Old Tom died today."... "You know Mary Crabtree? She just died." It's driving me crazy... swear to god, if he keeps it up I'm gonna take that gun away from him!
* * *
Customer: "Should I have any concerns about these genetically modified tomatoes?"
Tomato: "Certainly not!"
* * *
Last night's dinner was ice cold. My wife's a blonde... I never should have asked her to serve chili.
* * *
Paleontologists have unearthed evidence of a Neanderthal playwright. They're calling him Will Shake Spear.
* * *
"Give it to me!" she shrieked. "I'm so damned wet! Give it to me now!"
Fat chance... it's my umbrella!
* * *
The cops just found a man killed with a starter pistol. They think the death may be race related.
* * *
My uncle entered a post office and started sticking stamps all over his body. The cops were called, but I don't think there was any danger. He just wanted to express himself.
* * *
Apple has been serving pirates for centuries. They're the ones who developed the iPatch.
* * *
My girlfriend asked me if I could get her pregnant from from across the room.
"Possibly," I replied. "But it's a long shot."
* * *
The oldest computer on earth belonged to Adam and Eve. Not surprisingly, it was an Apple. Pretty lousy model... just one byte and everything crashed.
* * *
My brother took my to-do schedule and used it to wrap a joint. He's high on my list of priorities.
* * *
Wife: "I want you to talk dirty to me."
Husband: " Okay. Kitchen... bathroom... bedroom..."
* * *
I drive a truck that transports donkeys from ranch to ranch. It's a great job; I enjoy hauling ass.
* * *
President Trump was on a tour of Disneyland, when there was an assassination attempt. I don't think the shooter intended to kill him; he just wanted to see Donald duck.
* * *
I've built a revolutionary new rifle that absolutely can't kill animals. I call it a V-gun.
* * *
The difference between a dinner party and the Donner Party? Not that much, really. In either case, they'll want to know if you've been served.
* * *
I just heard a new joke about defecation, but I don't plan to repeat it. It's way too corny.
* * *
A physician has created a capsule that cures all disease, but no one will use it because of the horrible flavor. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
* * *
I'm taking my cat to the vet to have him euthanized. It was a real pain making nine appointments.
* * *
Tiger Woods was just arrested on a suspected DUI. He really should have used his driver.
* * *
Tiger Woods hit 18 holes today. And that was on the way to the course.
* * *
My dad is at that time in life where all he does is talk about the people who've passed away. "Old Tom died today."... "You know Mary Crabtree? She just died." It's driving me crazy... swear to god, if he keeps it up I'm gonna take that gun away from him!
