Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]When I was 10, my dad wanted to have a frank discussion with me about sex. I put him off, though... told him that we should just stay good friends.
Islamic states don’t seem to respect women, but that evidently doesn’t apply to mothers who go online. I’ve been told that E-moms are held in high regard.
Grammar rules state “I before E, except after C”. But society says otherwise.
I didn’t care much for that documentary about stroke survivors. It’s too one-sided.
Brunette: “I just saw your car in the middle of the street. Doesn’t it run?”
Blonde: “Of course not, dummy! It has wheels, not legs!”
My sister called me yesterday. She wanted to know how to get wine out of her carpet. I told her not to bother... all wineries get theirs out of grapes.
Job interviewer: “What would you consider to be your biggest flaw?”
Job seeker: “Well, my friends all tell me I’m too honest.”
Job interviewer: “Hmmm... that really doesn’t sound like much of a flaw.”
Job seeker: “I don’t give a fuck about your opinion!”
I’m having a difficult time deleting any of my old emails... too many attachments.
Italians don’t like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Italians don’t like any witnesses.
I’d like to take advantage of preventive medicine, but the hospital makes me jump through too many hoops. What a ridiculous way to stay in shape!
Pilot: “The plane’s going down! We’re done for!”
Psychiatrist: “It can’t! I’m too Jung to die!”
My cousin is afraid that vandals will someday paint his house red, yellow and blue. It’s his primary concern.
If you like good humor, never go to that optometrist. He’s too fond of eyeball puns, each one cornea than the last.
My uncle never told me the truth in all his life, and just because he’s dead now doesn’t change things. He’s lying still.
Our town’s local priest has just written a religious pamphlet. He made a big mistake with the title, though: “Ministers Do More Than Lay People”.
“I just got my costume for Mardi Gras! Bet you’ve never seen one like this... I’m dressing up as a harp!”
“Nah. You’re way too small to be a harp.”
“Are you calling me a lyre?”
Germany is inhospitable to tourists! My brother Kyle and I visited Berlin recently; when we got to the Brandenburg Gate, I shouted out “See, Kyle!” And the damn cops arrested us for no reason!
How can you tell you’re watching a porno western?
It’s all the good guys who are hung.
I asked my family doctor if it was a good idea to stop masterbating. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t.
Brunette: “My poor puppy! He was chasing a car yesterday, when it made a sudden turn. His tail was cut clean off!”
Blonde: “Don’t worry about it. You can always take him to a retail store.”
I built a robot prostitute out of vacuum cleaner parts. I’ll never find a buyer for it, though... it sucks hard.
She: “I’ll never comprehend the double standard! If a guy sleeps with many women, he’s s stud. But if a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she’s cheap.”
He: “Think of it this way: a key that opens many locks is a Master Key. But a lock that can be opened by many keys?... work it out for yourself.”[/FONT]
* * *
Islamic states don’t seem to respect women, but that evidently doesn’t apply to mothers who go online. I’ve been told that E-moms are held in high regard.
* * *
Grammar rules state “I before E, except after C”. But society says otherwise.
* * *
I didn’t care much for that documentary about stroke survivors. It’s too one-sided.
* * *
Brunette: “I just saw your car in the middle of the street. Doesn’t it run?”
Blonde: “Of course not, dummy! It has wheels, not legs!”
* * *
My sister called me yesterday. She wanted to know how to get wine out of her carpet. I told her not to bother... all wineries get theirs out of grapes.
* * *
Job interviewer: “What would you consider to be your biggest flaw?”
Job seeker: “Well, my friends all tell me I’m too honest.”
Job interviewer: “Hmmm... that really doesn’t sound like much of a flaw.”
Job seeker: “I don’t give a fuck about your opinion!”
* * *
I’m having a difficult time deleting any of my old emails... too many attachments.
* * *
Italians don’t like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Italians don’t like any witnesses.
* * *
I’d like to take advantage of preventive medicine, but the hospital makes me jump through too many hoops. What a ridiculous way to stay in shape!
* * *
Pilot: “The plane’s going down! We’re done for!”
Psychiatrist: “It can’t! I’m too Jung to die!”
* * *
My cousin is afraid that vandals will someday paint his house red, yellow and blue. It’s his primary concern.
* * *
If you like good humor, never go to that optometrist. He’s too fond of eyeball puns, each one cornea than the last.
* * *
My uncle never told me the truth in all his life, and just because he’s dead now doesn’t change things. He’s lying still.
* * *
Our town’s local priest has just written a religious pamphlet. He made a big mistake with the title, though: “Ministers Do More Than Lay People”.
* * *
“I just got my costume for Mardi Gras! Bet you’ve never seen one like this... I’m dressing up as a harp!”
“Nah. You’re way too small to be a harp.”
“Are you calling me a lyre?”
* * *
Germany is inhospitable to tourists! My brother Kyle and I visited Berlin recently; when we got to the Brandenburg Gate, I shouted out “See, Kyle!” And the damn cops arrested us for no reason!
* * *
How can you tell you’re watching a porno western?
It’s all the good guys who are hung.
* * *
I asked my family doctor if it was a good idea to stop masterbating. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t.
* * *
Brunette: “My poor puppy! He was chasing a car yesterday, when it made a sudden turn. His tail was cut clean off!”
Blonde: “Don’t worry about it. You can always take him to a retail store.”
* * *
I built a robot prostitute out of vacuum cleaner parts. I’ll never find a buyer for it, though... it sucks hard.
* * *
She: “I’ll never comprehend the double standard! If a guy sleeps with many women, he’s s stud. But if a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she’s cheap.”
He: “Think of it this way: a key that opens many locks is a Master Key. But a lock that can be opened by many keys?... work it out for yourself.”[/FONT]
