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Friday night nyuks (6-23-23).

Low_Roads

1st Level White Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
9,000
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I married a girl from Geneva and thanks to her mandatory stint in the military, she's always prepared. You wouldn't believe how convenient she makes things: if I'm doing household chores and need a screwdriver, she immediately has a screwdriver; if I have to cut some twine, she's right there with a pair of scissors; even at dinner, she instantly has a corkscrew handy for opening up the wine! Seriously, I just don't know what I'd do without my Swiss Army wife!

* * *​

Son: "Mom, can I buy a motorcycle?"

Mom: "Boy, do you remember what happened to your brother? The way he was speedin' down that narrow mountain road, only ta get thrown off and tumble 200 feet to his bloody death?"

Son: "So... you mean I can't buy a motorcycle?"

Mom: "What's the point when his is still in pretty good shape?"

* * *​

It's tough being blind, especially when you're a kid. On the playground, all my friends got to play on the seesaw; me, I had to settle for the hearheard.

* * *​

Cannibal #1: "What is that thing you have in your hand?"

Cannibal #2: "It comes from the trading post. It's a charm that protects you from all evil people."

Cannibal #1: "And those smaller things that you're shoving up its butt... what are they?"

Cannibal #2: "Those are bullets for the charm."

* * *​

An old childhood pal of ours was in desperate need of money, but he just couldn't bring himself to rob the local gas station. So, my brother did it for him... he's always ready to stick up for a friend!

* * *​

Q: How do alien hipsters greet each other?

A: With sci-fives.

* * *​

My brother and his wife each weigh 350 lbs and wheeze whenever they have to walk anywhere. It makes me very concerned for my little nephew... I've never seen such unfit parents!

* * *​

He: "Juvenile delinquents just stole some sausages I left out on the porch."

She: "What nasty brats!"

He: "You're tellin' me! I was ready to throw the damn things out!"

* * *​

I went all through the rainy winter with nothing to protect me but a Napoleon umbrella. You've heard about Napoleon umbrellas, of course; on windy days, they're blown apart.

* * *​

Q: How can you tell if you've caught the authentic Corona virus?

A: It comes with a slice of Lime disease.

* * *​

My wife and I like to role-play in the bedroom; lately, I've been dressing up like Sir Lancelot while she acts the part of Guinevere. Not only does this make sex a lot more interesting, but it pays off afterward... best way I've found to get a good knight's sleep!

* * *​

He: "Hey, babe, come to the bar with me! What ya got to lose? Just one drink and we'll see where it goes!"

She: "If you don't know where liquid goes by now, you may not be old enough to date!"

* * *​

My son, a rookie cop, made an arrest today when he discovered a hooker with cocaine stashed in her size DD brassiere. He was quite excited... it was his first big drug bust!

* * *​

Q: How does a Subaru seat 30 people?

A: Shift into reverse and presto! URA bus!

* * *​

When it comes down to a choice between dogs and cats, I'll take a cat every time. Sure, they say a dog is man's best friend, but I'm not so sure. No cat ever showed the cops where my drugs were hidden.

* * *​

"My girl and me broke up last week, all because I was unable to become erect."

"Damn shame! Have you tried Viagra?"

"I've tried everything! When I'm wasted, nothin' helps be get off the floor!"

* * *​

My girlfriend's a blonde and usually she's hangin' all over me. That may sound smothering, but it's easy to get alone time, too. I just sit her in front of a mirror and tell her to play rock-paper-scissors until she wins.

* * *​

Have you read about the man with a bizarre medical anomaly, a one-inch penis? His name: Justin Cider.

* * *​

Dia de los Muertos skeleton people have their own bands to provide festive music. My grandad died many years ago and he plays maracas in one of these groups. Of course, the word 'maraca' is only used by the living; in his community, the instrument's known as the death rattle.

* * *​

"Really, doctor, I'm sure I need new glasses."

"That's right, and a hearing aid, too! For the last damn time, this is a Burger King!"

* * *​

I was drinking a beer when I happened to notice this lettering engraved on the side of the can: "Best drunk before December 2023". I don't know what I did to deserve the honor, but I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me!

* * *​

The guy next door called to tell me he was throwing a Juneteenth party. He was inviting all the neighbors and wanted to know if I was free. Well, of course I am! That's the whole point of the holiday!
 
LOL 😛
Great collection, as usual. 😀
My favorite:
My girlfriend's a blonde and usually she's hangin' all over me. That may sound smothering, but it's easy to get alone time, too. I just sit her in front of a mirror and tell her to play rock-paper-scissors until she wins.
 
Thank you Milagros! 😀 The blondes are back on top! Not only that, but we've got two of them (if you count the mirror image, we do)! Bet they pick rock every time! No way they'd ever pick scissors... neither of 'em are that sharp!
 
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