Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
An elderly lady takes a cab ride home, but when she arrives she finds she's short of money.
"You know," she purrs to the driver, "In my day I was considered quite a beauty." She hikes up her skirt and continues, "How about I pay you with this?"
The cabbie takes a long, hard look and quips, "Jeez, lady, don't you have anything smaller?"
I used to own a goldfish who could break dance! I'd have gone on the stage with him, but he only did it the one time when he fell out of the bowl.
Statistics say that half the marriages in America end in divorce. Which beats the alternative; the other half end in death.
My brother and I go into counterfeiting, and what does the idiot do? He makes a phony 8 dollar bill! Fortunately I was able to trade it for two 4's.
An Asian mushroom enters a bar, but insists on swearing and insulting everyone. What awful shiitake!
I had a meal of mushrooms this morning. The breakfast of champignons!
Gillette has created a razor especially for dyslexics. They're marketing it as the best thing since sliced beard.
My memory pills are the color of the sky, dude! They blue my mind!
I hadn't heard of it before, but it seems there's a TV show targeted expressly at cannibals. Perhaps you know it: Graze Anatomy.
A man walks into s psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a Saran Wrap diaper.
"My wife sent me," the man says. "She thinks I'm crazy."
The doctor assesses the situation, then replies, "Good for her... it's easy to see your nuts."
I was shipwrecked on an island for two solid weeks, with nothing to eat but caterpillars. Believe me, when I first spied the rescue boat, I had butterflies in my stomach!
Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me! I sleep like a log!"
Doctor: "How is that a problem?"
Patient: "I'm sick and tired of waking up in the fireplace!"
My lazy cousin used to work at a crematorium, but would secretly nap inside the coffins. Needless to say, he got fired.
Hear about the all-male team of superheroes who costume themselves in women's clothing? I'll bet you have: The X-Men.
I went out to the garage only to find my car hanging from a rope. I suspected vandalism, but investigators called it auto asphyxiation.
Bose is supposedly better than competing electronics, but I don't believe that. It's just a stereo type.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She didn't buckle up.
This country's really being run by the Jews! Tomorrow I'll hike up to Jerusalem and complain!
I suppose you've heard: 6 is scared of 7. Why? Because 7 8 9. No reason 6 should be taken aback... everyone should eat 3 squared meals.
Seems that Peter Dinklage will be playing a Borg in an upcoming "Star Trek Voyager" movie. His designation: Six of Seven.
I told my brother, "You're the dumbest person I ever knew!" Ha! That left him speechless!
A local activist started a fund to help blind children. He's since been ostracized and driven out of town; damn it, we don't need more blind children!
"You know," she purrs to the driver, "In my day I was considered quite a beauty." She hikes up her skirt and continues, "How about I pay you with this?"
The cabbie takes a long, hard look and quips, "Jeez, lady, don't you have anything smaller?"
* * *
I used to own a goldfish who could break dance! I'd have gone on the stage with him, but he only did it the one time when he fell out of the bowl.
* * *
Statistics say that half the marriages in America end in divorce. Which beats the alternative; the other half end in death.
* * *
My brother and I go into counterfeiting, and what does the idiot do? He makes a phony 8 dollar bill! Fortunately I was able to trade it for two 4's.
* * *
An Asian mushroom enters a bar, but insists on swearing and insulting everyone. What awful shiitake!
* * *
I had a meal of mushrooms this morning. The breakfast of champignons!
* * *
Gillette has created a razor especially for dyslexics. They're marketing it as the best thing since sliced beard.
* * *
My memory pills are the color of the sky, dude! They blue my mind!
* * *
I hadn't heard of it before, but it seems there's a TV show targeted expressly at cannibals. Perhaps you know it: Graze Anatomy.
* * *
A man walks into s psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a Saran Wrap diaper.
"My wife sent me," the man says. "She thinks I'm crazy."
The doctor assesses the situation, then replies, "Good for her... it's easy to see your nuts."
* * *
I was shipwrecked on an island for two solid weeks, with nothing to eat but caterpillars. Believe me, when I first spied the rescue boat, I had butterflies in my stomach!
* * *
Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me! I sleep like a log!"
Doctor: "How is that a problem?"
Patient: "I'm sick and tired of waking up in the fireplace!"
* * *
My lazy cousin used to work at a crematorium, but would secretly nap inside the coffins. Needless to say, he got fired.
* * *
Hear about the all-male team of superheroes who costume themselves in women's clothing? I'll bet you have: The X-Men.
* * *
I went out to the garage only to find my car hanging from a rope. I suspected vandalism, but investigators called it auto asphyxiation.
* * *
Bose is supposedly better than competing electronics, but I don't believe that. It's just a stereo type.
* * *
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She didn't buckle up.
* * *
This country's really being run by the Jews! Tomorrow I'll hike up to Jerusalem and complain!
* * *
I suppose you've heard: 6 is scared of 7. Why? Because 7 8 9. No reason 6 should be taken aback... everyone should eat 3 squared meals.
* * *
Seems that Peter Dinklage will be playing a Borg in an upcoming "Star Trek Voyager" movie. His designation: Six of Seven.
* * *
I told my brother, "You're the dumbest person I ever knew!" Ha! That left him speechless!
* * *
A local activist started a fund to help blind children. He's since been ostracized and driven out of town; damn it, we don't need more blind children!
