Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
World travel is so simple these days, it almost works like magic! There I was, seeing my brother off to Helsinki; next thing I know, he vanishes into FinnAir!
Blonde #1: "I just don't know what to do! How can I possibly explain to my folks that I'm lesbian? They'll never understand!"
Blonde #2: "Hey don't be scared! I know your parents... Shirley and Janet are both very open minded!"
My car's in the shop and boy do I miss the GPS! I find it impossible to get anywhere by bike; I always lose my bearings.
"I can't remember if you're supposed to piss against the wind or with it. Better just guess... "
"Well, did it work?"
"Yeah! It's all coming back to me!"
In a month, I'll be leaving the Greenwich Royal Observatory. I don't know what to do in the mean time.
The difference between a nursing home and a zoo... the zoo won't let you play with the cougars.
I recently heard a new Wagner tune, "Putin on the Fritz". It started with a bang, but ended with a whimper.
When you think about it, fiction writers have a lot in common with snakes: their tales come out of their heads.
I genetically crossed a sheep with a cow, but never heard the end of it! The irate creature bellowed at me in a constant baaaad mooood.
Newbie mountaineer: "So... what exactly do you Sherpas do?"
Sherpa: "Let me summit up for you... "
I own 40 acres of ranch land upon which I grow nothing but beans. So you see, it really isn't a lie when I brag to folks I run a wind farm!
A man from the future travels backward through time to obtain a pair of shoes that aren't being made in his century anymore. Bad move! He ends up in a pair o' Docs!
Hillbilly #1: "Take yer daughter back. I don't want her fer my wife no more."
Hillbilly #2: "Why in tarnation not? You was only married yesterday!"
Hillbilly #1: "Turns out she's a virgin!"
Hillbilly #2: "What's so all-fired wrong in that?"
Hillbilly #1: "If she ain't good enough fer her own kin, she ain't good enough fer me!"
The OceanGate Titan might not have imploded if it had been made of sturdier material. Unfortunately, the CEO misunderstood when he was told that carbon fiber was substandard.
After the accident, OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush was granted a posthumous honorary rank. A popular one, too... he's now known as Cap'n Crunch.
"Daddy, I want an elephant for my birthday!"
"Son, that just isn't feasible! We couldn't even afford to feed it!"
"Then get me one from the wild animal park. You aren't supposed to feed those."
God blessed Adam by removing a bone from his chest, but he punishes a heretic by adding one to his leg. You've probably heard of it... the blass-femur.
The gal doing my job interview told me she had three openings. After what I said next, I don't think I'll be getting work anytime soon.
Q: How does a novice sailor learn how to steer the boat?
A: Through an in-turn ship.
I tell folks around the office I have the golden touch. It's so much simpler than saying I never wash my hands after urinating.
Q: Why do Buddhists drink tea?
A: For expiation. Through its use, an immoral life becomes an immortal life.
My pal Jerry's had some bad luck: he and his wife split up and she's taken every last penny of his in alimony. Even so, it could have been worse; my wife has left me broke and never once offered to divorce me!
* * *
Blonde #1: "I just don't know what to do! How can I possibly explain to my folks that I'm lesbian? They'll never understand!"
Blonde #2: "Hey don't be scared! I know your parents... Shirley and Janet are both very open minded!"
* * *
My car's in the shop and boy do I miss the GPS! I find it impossible to get anywhere by bike; I always lose my bearings.
* * *
"I can't remember if you're supposed to piss against the wind or with it. Better just guess... "
"Well, did it work?"
"Yeah! It's all coming back to me!"
* * *
In a month, I'll be leaving the Greenwich Royal Observatory. I don't know what to do in the mean time.
* * *
The difference between a nursing home and a zoo... the zoo won't let you play with the cougars.
* * *
I recently heard a new Wagner tune, "Putin on the Fritz". It started with a bang, but ended with a whimper.
* * *
When you think about it, fiction writers have a lot in common with snakes: their tales come out of their heads.
* * *
I genetically crossed a sheep with a cow, but never heard the end of it! The irate creature bellowed at me in a constant baaaad mooood.
* * *
Newbie mountaineer: "So... what exactly do you Sherpas do?"
Sherpa: "Let me summit up for you... "
* * *
I own 40 acres of ranch land upon which I grow nothing but beans. So you see, it really isn't a lie when I brag to folks I run a wind farm!
* * *
A man from the future travels backward through time to obtain a pair of shoes that aren't being made in his century anymore. Bad move! He ends up in a pair o' Docs!
* * *
Hillbilly #1: "Take yer daughter back. I don't want her fer my wife no more."
Hillbilly #2: "Why in tarnation not? You was only married yesterday!"
Hillbilly #1: "Turns out she's a virgin!"
Hillbilly #2: "What's so all-fired wrong in that?"
Hillbilly #1: "If she ain't good enough fer her own kin, she ain't good enough fer me!"
* * *
The OceanGate Titan might not have imploded if it had been made of sturdier material. Unfortunately, the CEO misunderstood when he was told that carbon fiber was substandard.
* * *
After the accident, OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush was granted a posthumous honorary rank. A popular one, too... he's now known as Cap'n Crunch.
* * *
"Daddy, I want an elephant for my birthday!"
"Son, that just isn't feasible! We couldn't even afford to feed it!"
"Then get me one from the wild animal park. You aren't supposed to feed those."
* * *
God blessed Adam by removing a bone from his chest, but he punishes a heretic by adding one to his leg. You've probably heard of it... the blass-femur.
* * *
The gal doing my job interview told me she had three openings. After what I said next, I don't think I'll be getting work anytime soon.
* * *
Q: How does a novice sailor learn how to steer the boat?
A: Through an in-turn ship.
* * *
I tell folks around the office I have the golden touch. It's so much simpler than saying I never wash my hands after urinating.
* * *
Q: Why do Buddhists drink tea?
A: For expiation. Through its use, an immoral life becomes an immortal life.
* * *
My pal Jerry's had some bad luck: he and his wife split up and she's taken every last penny of his in alimony. Even so, it could have been worse; my wife has left me broke and never once offered to divorce me!
