Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Definition of the word "hump": something located on the back of a camel. The word is used as a noun... unless that thing happens to be another camel.
Cats may not really have nine lives, but they still can do extraordinary things. Like, always landing on their feet, for example. And did you know that they can squeeze underneath a door? Impossible, you say? Well, the one I found out on the road sure could!
In the US, atheists own more cats than Christians. That's because it's frowned on, regardless of religious affiliation, to own another human being.
You needn't have served in combat to have PTSD. I was a Morse Code operator and the effects have stayed with me; on drizzly nights, I lie awake late listening to the raindrops telling me to go fuck myself.
I'm getting sick to death of Yo Mama jokes. They're ugly, simple-minded, crude and have been done a million times by practically everyone.
Just like yo mama.
Zeus, the Greek thunder god, had his troubles: the rental on Mount Olympus had gotten way too high, all his cyclops had gone out on strike, his wife Hera had just chartered an expensive flying chariot, and to top things off, some damn repo company was threatening to reclaim his thunderbolts. Seems that he didn't really own anything; everything in his possession was either hired or rented. But Zeus knew what he had to do to whip his creditors into shape: he planned to re-lease the Kraken.
Q: What's the technical name for the layer of bread in the middle of a club sandwich?
A: The skeletoast.
He: "Wanna go to the New Years party with me? We could be the first couple to smooch on January one!"
She: "Sorry. Never on the first date."
Q: What do you call canned goods that have exceeded their expiration date?
A: Canned bads.
Your SUPEREGO tells you it's wrong to drink; your EGO tells you it's too damn late at night to go to the liquor store; so you see, you really can't buy booze without an ID.
Some ants spray caustic fluid as a self defense method. The Bayer company is paying close attention; they're always on the lookout for an effective ant-acid.
I used to be the kind of guy who'd burn his bridges behind him, but I don't act that way anymore; damn things are made outta steel these days.
Q: What do you hear from the Beach Boys when they enter a pub?
A: "Bar bar bar, bar bar barman!"
Q: What do the Beach Boys say next?
A: "Round! Round! Get a round! I'll get a round!"
My son says he wants to be a gynecologist when he grows up. Guess that means I'll have to send him to private school.
Q: Where do gynecologists work out?
A: At the OB Gym.
Despite their tubby build, snowmen stay in great shape. On warmer days you'll see them out running.
She: "You're a reckless driver!"
He: "Not true. I had a wreck just last week."
Yesterday I caught my son chewing on an electrical cable. There was only one thing a responsible parent could do: ground him.
Dog # 1: "Wanna hear a joke?"
Dog # 2: "Sure!"
Dog # 1: "Knock knock."
Dog # 2: "Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"
I used to be sad and lonely, but recently I turned things around. I'm now lonely and sad.
Guys get a lot of static about driving directions, but it's a fact that they can handle roadmaps better than women do. That's because they've had a lot of experience believing that on inch can equal ten miles.
* * *
Cats may not really have nine lives, but they still can do extraordinary things. Like, always landing on their feet, for example. And did you know that they can squeeze underneath a door? Impossible, you say? Well, the one I found out on the road sure could!
* * *
In the US, atheists own more cats than Christians. That's because it's frowned on, regardless of religious affiliation, to own another human being.
* * *
You needn't have served in combat to have PTSD. I was a Morse Code operator and the effects have stayed with me; on drizzly nights, I lie awake late listening to the raindrops telling me to go fuck myself.
* * *
I'm getting sick to death of Yo Mama jokes. They're ugly, simple-minded, crude and have been done a million times by practically everyone.
Just like yo mama.
* * *
Zeus, the Greek thunder god, had his troubles: the rental on Mount Olympus had gotten way too high, all his cyclops had gone out on strike, his wife Hera had just chartered an expensive flying chariot, and to top things off, some damn repo company was threatening to reclaim his thunderbolts. Seems that he didn't really own anything; everything in his possession was either hired or rented. But Zeus knew what he had to do to whip his creditors into shape: he planned to re-lease the Kraken.
* * *
Q: What's the technical name for the layer of bread in the middle of a club sandwich?
A: The skeletoast.
* * *
He: "Wanna go to the New Years party with me? We could be the first couple to smooch on January one!"
She: "Sorry. Never on the first date."
* * *
Q: What do you call canned goods that have exceeded their expiration date?
A: Canned bads.
* * *
Your SUPEREGO tells you it's wrong to drink; your EGO tells you it's too damn late at night to go to the liquor store; so you see, you really can't buy booze without an ID.
* * *
Some ants spray caustic fluid as a self defense method. The Bayer company is paying close attention; they're always on the lookout for an effective ant-acid.
* * *
I used to be the kind of guy who'd burn his bridges behind him, but I don't act that way anymore; damn things are made outta steel these days.
* * *
Q: What do you hear from the Beach Boys when they enter a pub?
A: "Bar bar bar, bar bar barman!"
* * *
Q: What do the Beach Boys say next?
A: "Round! Round! Get a round! I'll get a round!"
* * *
My son says he wants to be a gynecologist when he grows up. Guess that means I'll have to send him to private school.
* * *
Q: Where do gynecologists work out?
A: At the OB Gym.
* * *
Despite their tubby build, snowmen stay in great shape. On warmer days you'll see them out running.
* * *
She: "You're a reckless driver!"
He: "Not true. I had a wreck just last week."
* * *
Yesterday I caught my son chewing on an electrical cable. There was only one thing a responsible parent could do: ground him.
* * *
Dog # 1: "Wanna hear a joke?"
Dog # 2: "Sure!"
Dog # 1: "Knock knock."
Dog # 2: "Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"
* * *
I used to be sad and lonely, but recently I turned things around. I'm now lonely and sad.
* * *
Guys get a lot of static about driving directions, but it's a fact that they can handle roadmaps better than women do. That's because they've had a lot of experience believing that on inch can equal ten miles.
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