Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Chicks are like rocks... you can skip the flat ones.
Olive: "Popeye, have you seen the latest from Apple? They want customers to pay $1,000 just to prop up their new computer monitor!"
Popeye: "I can't stands no more!"
I believe in eating a well balanced diet. That's why at mealtime you'll find me with a Big Mac in each hand.
"Go on green and stop on red" isn't just a rule for traffic; it's also mighty good advice when working a lawn mower.
I give great relationship advice. Trust me... I've been in thousands of them.
A New Hampshire seafood restaurant has the state motto "Live Free or Die" displayed right behind the lobster tank.
A patron from the west coast views the plaque and tells his waiter, "Fer cryin' out loud, no need for threats! I'll take one of the live ones! And you don't have to charge me!"
My wife may be suicidal sometimes, but she still brightens up my day. She sets herself on fire regularly.
To get some attention, I've hung myself in the kitchen and am waiting to see how my wife reacts when she returns from the store. Hope she gets back soon... the suspense is killing me.
According to the ladies, I have the body of a Greek god! One of the important ones, too... some guy called Hephaestus.
"Never visit Pripyat unless you're wearing pants with a lead zipper."
"Why not?"
"Chernobyl fallout."
Our next-door neighbor has really big breasts and spends a lot of time outside topless. Needless to say, I'm constantly peaking out the window: I'm hoping one day his wife will do the same.
There's a kid at our school who's half Indian. We call him Ian.
Tiger Lily: "I'm through with you, Peter! You treat me like a stereotype!"
Peter Pan: "How?"
I'd like to breed pythons for a living, but I couldn't pass the veterinary course: the homework ate my dog.
Brunette: "Let me get this straight... you think Julius Caesar was a Christian saint?"
Blonde: "He must have been! According to my brother, he was a holy man."
10 years ago, my twin brother went to jail for a crime I committed, so just last week I returned the favor. It's amazing how alike we are... always finishing each other's sentences.
God: "Hey! One of my apples is gone! I told you not to touch 'em! You'll bloody well pay for this!"
Eve: "Can I don it on an installment plan?"
As an experiment, conservation scientists have taken a polar bear from his home in the Arctic Circle and successfully raised him in Antarctica. Some improvement... he's now a bi-polar bear.
As a child, I was unreasonably insecure. My reaction was to be constantly sassy and disobedient; it kept me grounded.
Oliver: "Hello sir. My name is Oliver Twist."
Fagin: "Ah! The young orphan boy!"
Oliver: "Hey, I told the rest of the kids to keep that a secret! Who gave me away?"
Fagin: "Your folks, apparently."
My first marriage was a life-changing event. My second was a wife-changing event.
Kid #1: "How come you're cryin'?"
Kid #2: "I walked into the kitchen when my dad was busy chopping."
Kid #1. "What was he chopping?"
Kid #2: "Onions."
Kid #1: "Oh, that's okay then. Everybody cries when onions gets chopped up."
Kid #2. "Yeah. He was a good dog."
* * *
Olive: "Popeye, have you seen the latest from Apple? They want customers to pay $1,000 just to prop up their new computer monitor!"
Popeye: "I can't stands no more!"
* * *
I believe in eating a well balanced diet. That's why at mealtime you'll find me with a Big Mac in each hand.
* * *
"Go on green and stop on red" isn't just a rule for traffic; it's also mighty good advice when working a lawn mower.
* * *
I give great relationship advice. Trust me... I've been in thousands of them.
* * *
A New Hampshire seafood restaurant has the state motto "Live Free or Die" displayed right behind the lobster tank.
A patron from the west coast views the plaque and tells his waiter, "Fer cryin' out loud, no need for threats! I'll take one of the live ones! And you don't have to charge me!"
* * *
My wife may be suicidal sometimes, but she still brightens up my day. She sets herself on fire regularly.
* * *
To get some attention, I've hung myself in the kitchen and am waiting to see how my wife reacts when she returns from the store. Hope she gets back soon... the suspense is killing me.
* * *
According to the ladies, I have the body of a Greek god! One of the important ones, too... some guy called Hephaestus.
* * *
"Never visit Pripyat unless you're wearing pants with a lead zipper."
"Why not?"
"Chernobyl fallout."
* * *
Our next-door neighbor has really big breasts and spends a lot of time outside topless. Needless to say, I'm constantly peaking out the window: I'm hoping one day his wife will do the same.
* * *
There's a kid at our school who's half Indian. We call him Ian.
* * *
Tiger Lily: "I'm through with you, Peter! You treat me like a stereotype!"
Peter Pan: "How?"
* * *
I'd like to breed pythons for a living, but I couldn't pass the veterinary course: the homework ate my dog.
* * *
Brunette: "Let me get this straight... you think Julius Caesar was a Christian saint?"
Blonde: "He must have been! According to my brother, he was a holy man."
* * *
10 years ago, my twin brother went to jail for a crime I committed, so just last week I returned the favor. It's amazing how alike we are... always finishing each other's sentences.
* * *
God: "Hey! One of my apples is gone! I told you not to touch 'em! You'll bloody well pay for this!"
Eve: "Can I don it on an installment plan?"
* * *
As an experiment, conservation scientists have taken a polar bear from his home in the Arctic Circle and successfully raised him in Antarctica. Some improvement... he's now a bi-polar bear.
* * *
As a child, I was unreasonably insecure. My reaction was to be constantly sassy and disobedient; it kept me grounded.
* * *
Oliver: "Hello sir. My name is Oliver Twist."
Fagin: "Ah! The young orphan boy!"
Oliver: "Hey, I told the rest of the kids to keep that a secret! Who gave me away?"
Fagin: "Your folks, apparently."
* * *
My first marriage was a life-changing event. My second was a wife-changing event.
* * *
Kid #1: "How come you're cryin'?"
Kid #2: "I walked into the kitchen when my dad was busy chopping."
Kid #1. "What was he chopping?"
Kid #2: "Onions."
Kid #1: "Oh, that's okay then. Everybody cries when onions gets chopped up."
Kid #2. "Yeah. He was a good dog."
Last edited:
