Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,979
- Points
- 48
My cousin had to split his time between serving in the Boy Scouts and working in his dad's garage. Matter of fact, his daily good deed consisted of doing auto work for free. You knew this by the way he said the Scouts' motto: "Beep repaired!"
We tend to underrate England; it's a nation that's given so much to so many in the world. If not for England, just consider how many fewer independence days there'd be!
Another of my cousins works at an anglers' lodge. His job is to taxidermy trout then dress them up in silly clothes so that guests can pose with them for novelty photos. That might sound taxing, but no... he claims it's as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
A woman sits down to dine in a fancy restaurant, only to let loose with a deafeningly noisy fart. Embarrassed, but thinking quickly, she tries to blame a waiter, stating, "You stop it right this instant!"
"I'll be happy to, madam," replies the waiter. "In which direction did you send it?"
According to my history text, prostitution counts as the world's first profession. You gotta be careful how you write that answer down, though... I lost grade points for calling it the oldest trick in the book.
It's a historic moment in geo-political cooperation and a shining example to every one of us... that all 1,000 islands could get together and agree on a single salad dressing!
My wife tried to shame me into not firing our pool boy by saying that I was just being insecure at the thought of a young, virile guy stopping by our home every week. She made an impassioned case, but I stuck by my guns... it might have been different if we actually owned a pool.
Cold War joke:
Q: How do you fix a small hole in the Berlin Wall?
A: Get a bigger hammer.
Turns out our local weatherman has cataracts. I'd wondered why all his forecasts were partly cloudy.
Entomologists spend a lot of time either chasing down butterflies and beetles or dousing them with various poisons. The point is, they can seem quite eccentric; if you're hoping to meet one, make sure you don't pick a stoner instead. There's a clear way to tell the difference: a stoner buys drugs... an entomologist dries bugs.
What is the USA's major peculiarity? Foot fetishism! Despite sound arguments and repeated tries, we simply won't convert to the metric system!
Turns out there was an easy way all along to silence Iran's president: put him in airplane mode.
Poor me... I've got Hot Dog syndrome. Women just aren't interested in my wiener unless it comes with bread.
Ever heard about my sister? She's in the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest shoe size on Earth! No small feat!
My doctor recommended a salve and told me to apply it religiously. Ergo, I disregarded the instructions and use it only on Sundays.
When I was a kid, I had abandonment issues; no matter how far away I ran, my damn parents kept finding me!
The comic books I inherited from my brother's estate are quite old and I figured they might be worth some money. Unfortunately, they're subject to an odd form of damage: the last page is missing from each issue. Does this diminish their value? We'll see... I've yet to draw my own conclusions.
A lion saunters into a saloon and asks, "Got any open jobs, mac?"
The saloon owner levels his gaze at the great beast and mumbles, "Blow, pal. This ain't no circus."
The lion grumbles and heads for the door.
"Okay, okay, I'm leaving!" he growls. "I don't know why you thought a circus would need a bartender anyway!"
My computer froze during a work session, costing me several hours progress. Ah well... it was my own fault, leaving Windows open so long.
John: "I'll be free tonight around 7:00. How about you!"
Hooker: "Nice try, buddy! Thirty bucks, same as always!"
For my operation, my doctor offered me two choices: standard surgery which was cheaper but involved the use of a scalpel; or the more expensive but less invasive arthroscopic option. As it turned out, he cut me a great deal.
Brunette: "Let's do another round of roll playing. I'll be Robin Hood, you can be Friar Tuck."
Blonde: "But you're always Robin Hood! I always have to be Friar Tuck or Little John or some other nobody! I wanna be Robin for a change!"
Brunette: "Sorry. I really don't think you're up to it."
Blonde: "I wanna be Robin! I wanna be Robin!"
Brunette: "All right already! If you're gonna throw a fit, you can be Robin!"
Blonde: "Hurray! Who you gonna be?"
Brunette: "Batman."
* * *
We tend to underrate England; it's a nation that's given so much to so many in the world. If not for England, just consider how many fewer independence days there'd be!
* * *
Another of my cousins works at an anglers' lodge. His job is to taxidermy trout then dress them up in silly clothes so that guests can pose with them for novelty photos. That might sound taxing, but no... he claims it's as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
* * *
A woman sits down to dine in a fancy restaurant, only to let loose with a deafeningly noisy fart. Embarrassed, but thinking quickly, she tries to blame a waiter, stating, "You stop it right this instant!"
"I'll be happy to, madam," replies the waiter. "In which direction did you send it?"
* * *
According to my history text, prostitution counts as the world's first profession. You gotta be careful how you write that answer down, though... I lost grade points for calling it the oldest trick in the book.
* * *
It's a historic moment in geo-political cooperation and a shining example to every one of us... that all 1,000 islands could get together and agree on a single salad dressing!
* * *
My wife tried to shame me into not firing our pool boy by saying that I was just being insecure at the thought of a young, virile guy stopping by our home every week. She made an impassioned case, but I stuck by my guns... it might have been different if we actually owned a pool.
* * *
Cold War joke:
Q: How do you fix a small hole in the Berlin Wall?
A: Get a bigger hammer.
* * *
Turns out our local weatherman has cataracts. I'd wondered why all his forecasts were partly cloudy.
* * *
Entomologists spend a lot of time either chasing down butterflies and beetles or dousing them with various poisons. The point is, they can seem quite eccentric; if you're hoping to meet one, make sure you don't pick a stoner instead. There's a clear way to tell the difference: a stoner buys drugs... an entomologist dries bugs.
* * *
What is the USA's major peculiarity? Foot fetishism! Despite sound arguments and repeated tries, we simply won't convert to the metric system!
* * *
Turns out there was an easy way all along to silence Iran's president: put him in airplane mode.
* * *
Poor me... I've got Hot Dog syndrome. Women just aren't interested in my wiener unless it comes with bread.
* * *
Ever heard about my sister? She's in the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest shoe size on Earth! No small feat!
* * *
My doctor recommended a salve and told me to apply it religiously. Ergo, I disregarded the instructions and use it only on Sundays.
* * *
When I was a kid, I had abandonment issues; no matter how far away I ran, my damn parents kept finding me!
* * *
The comic books I inherited from my brother's estate are quite old and I figured they might be worth some money. Unfortunately, they're subject to an odd form of damage: the last page is missing from each issue. Does this diminish their value? We'll see... I've yet to draw my own conclusions.
* * *
A lion saunters into a saloon and asks, "Got any open jobs, mac?"
The saloon owner levels his gaze at the great beast and mumbles, "Blow, pal. This ain't no circus."
The lion grumbles and heads for the door.
"Okay, okay, I'm leaving!" he growls. "I don't know why you thought a circus would need a bartender anyway!"
* * *
My computer froze during a work session, costing me several hours progress. Ah well... it was my own fault, leaving Windows open so long.
* * *
John: "I'll be free tonight around 7:00. How about you!"
Hooker: "Nice try, buddy! Thirty bucks, same as always!"
* * *
For my operation, my doctor offered me two choices: standard surgery which was cheaper but involved the use of a scalpel; or the more expensive but less invasive arthroscopic option. As it turned out, he cut me a great deal.
* * *
Brunette: "Let's do another round of roll playing. I'll be Robin Hood, you can be Friar Tuck."
Blonde: "But you're always Robin Hood! I always have to be Friar Tuck or Little John or some other nobody! I wanna be Robin for a change!"
Brunette: "Sorry. I really don't think you're up to it."
Blonde: "I wanna be Robin! I wanna be Robin!"
Brunette: "All right already! If you're gonna throw a fit, you can be Robin!"
Blonde: "Hurray! Who you gonna be?"
Brunette: "Batman."
