Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Bats are the thriftiest of animals. Despite their high overhead, they still make frequent deposits.
My girlfriend weighs 400 pounds. No matter where I go, she’s always there for me.
“Mom, does my baby sitter come apart?”
“ ‘Come apart’? Whatever do you mean, dear?”
“ I heard Daddy say he’s gonna screw her ass off.”
I asked my doctor if it was a good idea to pee in small amounts so that my bladder didn’t get strained. But he advised against that... told me to save for a rainy day.
Patient: “How much will it cost to get a tooth extracted?”
Dentist: “Two hundred dollars.”
Patient: “Two hundred dollars?!! For only 10 minutes work?”
Dentist: “I can make it last longer if you want.”
What a nasty double-standard! When a guy sleeps with a lot of different girls, he’s a stud. But when a girl sleeps with a lot of different guys... I never manage to be one of them!
I once choked for so long, I achieved my dream of being recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records. It was my greatest aspiration.
It’s a mistake to let dogs become too educated. Don’t allow any of them to receive a bachelors degree; after that, they go after their masters.
Conversation at the zoo:
Alligator: “You said you’d meet me at sundown! Where the hell were you?”
Giraffe: “Hey, it isn’t my fault you can’t see the horizon, shortie!”
My math teacher arrived 8 minutes late for his lecture on Monday. On Tuesday, he was 4 minutes late. The day after that, he was two minutes late. At this rate, he’ll never get to class on time.
She: “Did you just fart?”
He: “No. I certainly did not.”
She: “Well I smell something. Are you sure you didn’t just fart?”
He: “No, I didn’t just fart. I also shit a little.”
Our local butcher just can’t keep his mind off work. Even when he introduces his fiancé, he says, “Meat patty.”
Some proctologists have trouble staying employed. It’s tough for them to find an opening.
There’s some question as to whether or not photons have mass. It’s a non-issue for me; I don’t care one way or the other if they’re Catholic.
How can you tell that a dyslexic person has passed away?
The ghost haunting you goes “oooooob!”
In the ‘60s, nations competed against each other to be first to reach the moon. In retrospect, it’s hard to see why everyone was so eager to get there... it has a dark side.
Son: “Dad, can I be anything I want when I grow up?”
Dad: “My boy, the sky’s the limit!”
Son: “Awww nuts! I wanted to be an astronaut!”
High school days were a really unpleasant period of my life. I was bullied constantly, sworn at, even beaten up. God, I couldn’t wait to get to class and away from Mom!
Most jokes are pretty funny, just as long as no one gets offended. Then they’re downright hilarious.
“So, you say your dog has fleas?”
“Yeah. He runs away from just about everything.
“There’s nothing like making friends,” that’s my motto! You should see me operate at parties... it’s nothing like making friends.
A terminally ill man is lying on his sickbed, when from the kitchen downstairs wafts the odor of fresh baked cookies. Knowing that this favorite dessert might be his final meal, he struggles onto the floor and crawls slowly toward the steps. Despite his pain and fatigue, that intoxicating aroma drives him on. After 15 minutes of grueling struggle, he manages to reach the oven. Up top is a whole tray, cooling. With trembling fingers, he gropes to claim the cherished treat. Then... unexpectedly... he hears the voice of his wife behind him.
“Now you leave those alone!” she scolds. “They’re for the funeral!”[/FONT]
* * *
My girlfriend weighs 400 pounds. No matter where I go, she’s always there for me.
* * *
“Mom, does my baby sitter come apart?”
“ ‘Come apart’? Whatever do you mean, dear?”
“ I heard Daddy say he’s gonna screw her ass off.”
* * *
I asked my doctor if it was a good idea to pee in small amounts so that my bladder didn’t get strained. But he advised against that... told me to save for a rainy day.
* * *
Patient: “How much will it cost to get a tooth extracted?”
Dentist: “Two hundred dollars.”
Patient: “Two hundred dollars?!! For only 10 minutes work?”
Dentist: “I can make it last longer if you want.”
* * *
What a nasty double-standard! When a guy sleeps with a lot of different girls, he’s a stud. But when a girl sleeps with a lot of different guys... I never manage to be one of them!
* * *
I once choked for so long, I achieved my dream of being recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records. It was my greatest aspiration.
* * *
It’s a mistake to let dogs become too educated. Don’t allow any of them to receive a bachelors degree; after that, they go after their masters.
* * *
Conversation at the zoo:
Alligator: “You said you’d meet me at sundown! Where the hell were you?”
Giraffe: “Hey, it isn’t my fault you can’t see the horizon, shortie!”
* * *
My math teacher arrived 8 minutes late for his lecture on Monday. On Tuesday, he was 4 minutes late. The day after that, he was two minutes late. At this rate, he’ll never get to class on time.
* * *
She: “Did you just fart?”
He: “No. I certainly did not.”
She: “Well I smell something. Are you sure you didn’t just fart?”
He: “No, I didn’t just fart. I also shit a little.”
* * *
Our local butcher just can’t keep his mind off work. Even when he introduces his fiancé, he says, “Meat patty.”
* * *
Some proctologists have trouble staying employed. It’s tough for them to find an opening.
* * *
There’s some question as to whether or not photons have mass. It’s a non-issue for me; I don’t care one way or the other if they’re Catholic.
* * *
How can you tell that a dyslexic person has passed away?
The ghost haunting you goes “oooooob!”
* * *
In the ‘60s, nations competed against each other to be first to reach the moon. In retrospect, it’s hard to see why everyone was so eager to get there... it has a dark side.
* * *
Son: “Dad, can I be anything I want when I grow up?”
Dad: “My boy, the sky’s the limit!”
Son: “Awww nuts! I wanted to be an astronaut!”
* * *
High school days were a really unpleasant period of my life. I was bullied constantly, sworn at, even beaten up. God, I couldn’t wait to get to class and away from Mom!
* * *
Most jokes are pretty funny, just as long as no one gets offended. Then they’re downright hilarious.
* * *
“So, you say your dog has fleas?”
“Yeah. He runs away from just about everything.
* * *
“There’s nothing like making friends,” that’s my motto! You should see me operate at parties... it’s nothing like making friends.
* * *
A terminally ill man is lying on his sickbed, when from the kitchen downstairs wafts the odor of fresh baked cookies. Knowing that this favorite dessert might be his final meal, he struggles onto the floor and crawls slowly toward the steps. Despite his pain and fatigue, that intoxicating aroma drives him on. After 15 minutes of grueling struggle, he manages to reach the oven. Up top is a whole tray, cooling. With trembling fingers, he gropes to claim the cherished treat. Then... unexpectedly... he hears the voice of his wife behind him.
“Now you leave those alone!” she scolds. “They’re for the funeral!”[/FONT]
