Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My girlfriend thinks of my manhood the same way she thinks about a gourmet meal... boner petite.
A novelty candy company is producing chocolate penises with cream filling. They're being marketed as Willy Wankas.
To spice up our sex life, my wife and I have started role playing. She dresses up as a cop and arrests me for being a hot stud; two minutes later, all charges are dropped for lack of evidence.
Whenever you're feeling blue, just remember this simple advice: inhale... exhale...
I suspect my house plants are taking nude pictures of me while I sleep. The conspiracy community refers to this claim as my photo sin thesis.
The difference between an Arts major and a Philosophy major? The guy with a Philosophy major will ask why you want fries with that.
When I was a kid and my mom asked me who stole the last cookie, I'd just clap my hands and cry, "Not me!" It was applausable denial.
Emperor Palpatine was so degenerate, he'd import baby Wookies for their meat. So... what was it like? A little Chewie.
My uncle has a nasty looking molar, but so far it isn't causing him any pain. I told him to make a dental appointment anyway. If he acts immediately, he could be there before noon... he says he won't go until tooth hurty.
Two goldfish look out at the world from the comfort of their tank. One of them says, "You man the turret. I'll drive."
I've come to the conclusion that all women are claustrophobic. Every one I've met has freaked out inside my car trunk.
If a man is entirely comfortable using a computer mouse with his left hand, what can you can tell about him for sure?
He isn't left handed.
The DJ played Jump: I jumped.
The DJ played The Twist: I twisted.
The DJ played Come On Eileen: I was beaten and kicked out.
Wife: "You treat me like a dog! We need to sit down and talk this out right now!"
Husband: " Okay. But not on the sofa."
My daughter demanded a Cinderella-themed birthday party. Worked fine for me; I made her and her friends clean the house.
A three-legged dog hobbles into an old western saloon. He approaches the bartender and states, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
Man, I hate generalizations! Anybody who makes them is an utter idiot!
Ever notice that cemeteries tend to be foggy? That's because all the people inside are mist.
A friend of mine left his accordion in an unlocked car. Big mistake... when he came back, he found another one in the back seat.
My girlfriend's a porn star! She's gonna be really pissed when she finds out.
Ever play Pony Express as a youngster? It's like Post Office, but with more horsing around.
A blonde waitress brings a covered plate to the table.
Blonde: "Okay, who ordered the macaroni and bees?"
Patron: "Macaroni and bees? I wanted macaroni and cheese!"
The blonde clamps the cover down tight.
Blonde: "Right. That makes a lot more sense, actually."
* * *
A novelty candy company is producing chocolate penises with cream filling. They're being marketed as Willy Wankas.
* * *
To spice up our sex life, my wife and I have started role playing. She dresses up as a cop and arrests me for being a hot stud; two minutes later, all charges are dropped for lack of evidence.
* * *
Whenever you're feeling blue, just remember this simple advice: inhale... exhale...
* * *
I suspect my house plants are taking nude pictures of me while I sleep. The conspiracy community refers to this claim as my photo sin thesis.
* * *
The difference between an Arts major and a Philosophy major? The guy with a Philosophy major will ask why you want fries with that.
* * *
When I was a kid and my mom asked me who stole the last cookie, I'd just clap my hands and cry, "Not me!" It was applausable denial.
* * *
Emperor Palpatine was so degenerate, he'd import baby Wookies for their meat. So... what was it like? A little Chewie.
* * *
My uncle has a nasty looking molar, but so far it isn't causing him any pain. I told him to make a dental appointment anyway. If he acts immediately, he could be there before noon... he says he won't go until tooth hurty.
* * *
Two goldfish look out at the world from the comfort of their tank. One of them says, "You man the turret. I'll drive."
* * *
I've come to the conclusion that all women are claustrophobic. Every one I've met has freaked out inside my car trunk.
* * *
If a man is entirely comfortable using a computer mouse with his left hand, what can you can tell about him for sure?
He isn't left handed.
* * *
The DJ played Jump: I jumped.
The DJ played The Twist: I twisted.
The DJ played Come On Eileen: I was beaten and kicked out.
* * *
Wife: "You treat me like a dog! We need to sit down and talk this out right now!"
Husband: " Okay. But not on the sofa."
* * *
My daughter demanded a Cinderella-themed birthday party. Worked fine for me; I made her and her friends clean the house.
* * *
A three-legged dog hobbles into an old western saloon. He approaches the bartender and states, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
* * *
Man, I hate generalizations! Anybody who makes them is an utter idiot!
* * *
Ever notice that cemeteries tend to be foggy? That's because all the people inside are mist.
* * *
A friend of mine left his accordion in an unlocked car. Big mistake... when he came back, he found another one in the back seat.
* * *
My girlfriend's a porn star! She's gonna be really pissed when she finds out.
* * *
Ever play Pony Express as a youngster? It's like Post Office, but with more horsing around.
* * *
A blonde waitress brings a covered plate to the table.
Blonde: "Okay, who ordered the macaroni and bees?"
Patron: "Macaroni and bees? I wanted macaroni and cheese!"
The blonde clamps the cover down tight.
Blonde: "Right. That makes a lot more sense, actually."
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