Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
No one can get through to my dad during breakfast; he always has his nose buried in the newspaper. A newspaper, mind you, not an online device... he's forever behind The Times.
A man is jogging through the woods when he happens across a large suitcase. Curious, he opens it and is stunned to find the body of a man inside. He immediately dials 911 on his cell phone.
"Is the man dead?" the emergency operator asks.
"I don't know," the jogger replies. "I didn't check him very carefully."
"Well, is he moving?"
"Not as far as I can tell," the jogger observes. "That would certainly explain the suitcase, though."
Last week I found myself in charge of an army of toddlers. You don't know terror until you've had to face a mass infantry movement!
England only has three vowels: A, I and O. It's abandoned the EU.
My wife hates it when I pee in the shower. I really ought to wait until she's through in there.
A big flock of pigeons has appeared in the park, each bird wearing a little army uniform. Authorities fear a military coo.
Ever notice that milking stools have only three legs? You might expect four, but the cow has the udder.
Emperor Caligula planned to make his horse a senator. He hoped it would help promote a stable economy.
I've totally lost control of my vowels. I'm completely in consonant.
Women don't know what they want! My sister's girlfriend described her perfect man as spontaneous and funny; and yet, when I showed up at her apartment at 1 AM dressed in a clown suit, she immediately called 911!
How do the North Korean military leaders know whether they've made a surface ship or a submarine?
They wait to see how long it takes to sink.
Our local zoo is a joke! Their most recent exhibit is a loaf of rye in a cage, with a placard reading: "Bread in captivity"!
You have to keep a careful watch for children on the roadway. They're usually terrible drivers.
Yeah, I went to Vietnam. I killed over 30 North Vietnamese with a sniper rifle. It turned out so well, I plan the same thing in Paris next year.
I just learned that you can spell the word "candy" with only two letters: C and Y.
"Your Dad's a ninja, huh? Can he throw one 'a them little metal stars?"
"Sure he can!"
Cinderella was useless on the soccer team. She ran away from the ball.
I played a blank CD at full volume all night long. It drove the mime next door crazy.
The police picked up two kids today. One of them was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid. The cops charged one and let the other off.
First sperm: Race you to the egg!
Second sperm: Okay. But pace yourself... that's the larynx up ahead.
My girlfriend developed anorexia. Call me shallow, but since that time I've been seeing less and less of her.
Hear about the new blonde paint? It's cheap, not overly bright, and spreads easily.
* * *
A man is jogging through the woods when he happens across a large suitcase. Curious, he opens it and is stunned to find the body of a man inside. He immediately dials 911 on his cell phone.
"Is the man dead?" the emergency operator asks.
"I don't know," the jogger replies. "I didn't check him very carefully."
"Well, is he moving?"
"Not as far as I can tell," the jogger observes. "That would certainly explain the suitcase, though."
* * *
Last week I found myself in charge of an army of toddlers. You don't know terror until you've had to face a mass infantry movement!
* * *
England only has three vowels: A, I and O. It's abandoned the EU.
* * *
My wife hates it when I pee in the shower. I really ought to wait until she's through in there.
* * *
A big flock of pigeons has appeared in the park, each bird wearing a little army uniform. Authorities fear a military coo.
* * *
Ever notice that milking stools have only three legs? You might expect four, but the cow has the udder.
* * *
Emperor Caligula planned to make his horse a senator. He hoped it would help promote a stable economy.
* * *
I've totally lost control of my vowels. I'm completely in consonant.
* * *
Women don't know what they want! My sister's girlfriend described her perfect man as spontaneous and funny; and yet, when I showed up at her apartment at 1 AM dressed in a clown suit, she immediately called 911!
* * *
How do the North Korean military leaders know whether they've made a surface ship or a submarine?
They wait to see how long it takes to sink.
* * *
Our local zoo is a joke! Their most recent exhibit is a loaf of rye in a cage, with a placard reading: "Bread in captivity"!
* * *
You have to keep a careful watch for children on the roadway. They're usually terrible drivers.
* * *
Yeah, I went to Vietnam. I killed over 30 North Vietnamese with a sniper rifle. It turned out so well, I plan the same thing in Paris next year.
* * *
I just learned that you can spell the word "candy" with only two letters: C and Y.
* * *
"Your Dad's a ninja, huh? Can he throw one 'a them little metal stars?"
"Sure he can!"
* * *
Cinderella was useless on the soccer team. She ran away from the ball.
* * *
I played a blank CD at full volume all night long. It drove the mime next door crazy.
* * *
The police picked up two kids today. One of them was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid. The cops charged one and let the other off.
* * *
First sperm: Race you to the egg!
Second sperm: Okay. But pace yourself... that's the larynx up ahead.
* * *
My girlfriend developed anorexia. Call me shallow, but since that time I've been seeing less and less of her.
* * *
Hear about the new blonde paint? It's cheap, not overly bright, and spreads easily.
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