Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
In the army, you must wear your government issued undershirts without fail. Every officer finds civilian casual T's unacceptable.
There's been more than one murder at our local tavern. That's why we refer to it as a crowbar.
Every normal person loves pizza! It would take a real weird dough to make it otherwise.
My dad always said you have to remember three things to be a success in life. It doesn't matter what they are... if you can't remember at least three things, you aren't going to get very far.
Q: What became of the hen's eggs?
A: She lost them in a custardy dispute.
It's becoming really popular these days, but I'm not interested at all in working from home. Not remotely.
Patient: "I've become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums! And I've almost got them all... all except one!"
Psychiatrist: "So... why do you come to me?"
Patient: "Isn't if obvious? I need Help!"
I know it's a cliche, but I had a dream about eating a huge marshmallow last night and woke up to find my pillow missing. I'm not feeling too bad about it... just a little down in the mouth.
A specimen of brain-eating amoeba has been recovered from the Kardashian stronghold. The poor thing had starved to death.
I won't be able to watch my TV this week... it's in the shop. Must be careful not to lose that pawn ticket or I can't redeem it.
He, at restaurant: "May I push in your stool?"
She: "Later, maybe. Let's see how the date goes first."
I swear I saw David Hasselhoff in a bar last night. He wasn't using that name; people were calling him Mr. Hoff. You could tell he was trying to avoid any hassle.
Hear about the gay porn star who was filled with anxieties? His situation was desperate... he'd developed a fear of being analyzed.
My grandpa always used to say, "With a screw driver, a crescent wrench an a soldering iron, you can fix anything!" Yeah? Well tell that to the guy I ran into with the burst appendix!
The food delivery boy was the most popular person in the nudist colony. He could deliver two large coffees and half a dozen donuts without using a tray.
The novel "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" has one of the best plots in literature. I really enjoy a twisted backstory.
A giraffe walks into a bar and yells, "Hi guys! The Highballs are on me!"
I've learned that silence is golden. My wife's learned that duct tape is silver.
If a thoroughbred is killed on the racetrack, the contest is immediately called off. No one complains... there's no point in beating a dead horse.
My girlfriend is completely blind; yesterday she told me that she's seeing someone on the side. I don't know if that's great or terrible news.
A heart finds itself surrounded by ribs, almost as though it's been placed in jail. I guess at some point in evolutionary history, it found itself under cardiac arrest.
My wife begged me to get her a stationary bike, hoping to beat the obesity that's plagued all her female relatives. Her aunt weighed 250 pounds and died at age 50; her mother weighs 275 and has developed cardiac problems as well; her sisters weigh 300 apiece and both of them have diabetes. So I finally gave in and bought her one. And you know what? The results were surprising! She's managed to break the cycle!
* * *
There's been more than one murder at our local tavern. That's why we refer to it as a crowbar.
* * *
Every normal person loves pizza! It would take a real weird dough to make it otherwise.
* * *
My dad always said you have to remember three things to be a success in life. It doesn't matter what they are... if you can't remember at least three things, you aren't going to get very far.
* * *
Q: What became of the hen's eggs?
A: She lost them in a custardy dispute.
* * *
It's becoming really popular these days, but I'm not interested at all in working from home. Not remotely.
* * *
Patient: "I've become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums! And I've almost got them all... all except one!"
Psychiatrist: "So... why do you come to me?"
Patient: "Isn't if obvious? I need Help!"
* * *
I know it's a cliche, but I had a dream about eating a huge marshmallow last night and woke up to find my pillow missing. I'm not feeling too bad about it... just a little down in the mouth.
* * *
A specimen of brain-eating amoeba has been recovered from the Kardashian stronghold. The poor thing had starved to death.
* * *
I won't be able to watch my TV this week... it's in the shop. Must be careful not to lose that pawn ticket or I can't redeem it.
* * *
He, at restaurant: "May I push in your stool?"
She: "Later, maybe. Let's see how the date goes first."
* * *
I swear I saw David Hasselhoff in a bar last night. He wasn't using that name; people were calling him Mr. Hoff. You could tell he was trying to avoid any hassle.
* * *
Hear about the gay porn star who was filled with anxieties? His situation was desperate... he'd developed a fear of being analyzed.
* * *
My grandpa always used to say, "With a screw driver, a crescent wrench an a soldering iron, you can fix anything!" Yeah? Well tell that to the guy I ran into with the burst appendix!
* * *
The food delivery boy was the most popular person in the nudist colony. He could deliver two large coffees and half a dozen donuts without using a tray.
* * *
The novel "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" has one of the best plots in literature. I really enjoy a twisted backstory.
* * *
A giraffe walks into a bar and yells, "Hi guys! The Highballs are on me!"
* * *
I've learned that silence is golden. My wife's learned that duct tape is silver.
* * *
If a thoroughbred is killed on the racetrack, the contest is immediately called off. No one complains... there's no point in beating a dead horse.
* * *
My girlfriend is completely blind; yesterday she told me that she's seeing someone on the side. I don't know if that's great or terrible news.
* * *
A heart finds itself surrounded by ribs, almost as though it's been placed in jail. I guess at some point in evolutionary history, it found itself under cardiac arrest.
* * *
My wife begged me to get her a stationary bike, hoping to beat the obesity that's plagued all her female relatives. Her aunt weighed 250 pounds and died at age 50; her mother weighs 275 and has developed cardiac problems as well; her sisters weigh 300 apiece and both of them have diabetes. So I finally gave in and bought her one. And you know what? The results were surprising! She's managed to break the cycle!
