Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
God was doing a great job when he created the Earth, right up to the point where he invented gravity. Everything went downhill after that.
In my youth, I owned half a dozen dogs. My favorite was an old mutt called Camel. I gave him that name 'cause he had no front legs or hind legs; I used to pull him out of the pack regularly for a drag.
Hamsters are a lot like cigars: they're fairly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
What you get when you run your father's car practically out of gas: fear of the walking dad.
Environmentalist: "We got all the loggers out of this forest to save these trees for the wildlife, and now what do I see? You damn beavers are cutting 'em all down! Will you kindly cease and desist?"
Beavers: "Gnaw."
Don't judge me by my furniture... my couch can support a family.
Hear about the tribe of cannibals that refuses to eat gingers? They prefer soul food.
Donald Trump was always eager for Ivanka to marry a stud. Studs are, after all, big supporters of the wall.
St. Gabriel is the patron saint of communication, but did you know there's also a special patron for email communication? It's St. Francis of a Cc.
Patient: "Are you gonna use gas to knock me out?"
Doctor: "What would you prefer? A big iron hammer?"
Patient: "Ether/ore."
Imams are extremely predictable when answering multiple choice surveys. It's always: D - Allah the above.
My brother is a bag boy at a department store, though he'd really like to graduate to appliance demonstration. He thought that the smoothie maker would be perfect for him, but the manager said no: baggers can't be juicers.
Read a few pages from the middle of a dictionary and you'll learn next to nothing.
I've heard it said that change is hard. Well of course it is, dummies! If it was soft it would jam up the vending machines!
She: "I don't care how expensive they are, we simply have to replace this old mattress! I want you to give me an answer by tomorrow!"
He: "Let me sleep on it."
My sister tells me she wants to marry a man who was made experimentally in a Petri dish. I fully support her choice! He certainly is cultured!
Boss: "Todd, you don't seem to be 100% today... more like 75%. Are you feeling ill?"
Todd: "Maybe... I guess I do look odd.
My brother bet me even money I wouldn't join Gamblers Anonymous, so I called for an appointment. You know what? It turned out even better than I thought! The guy I talked to told me that no one could help me at the moment... he said to phone back later at 20 to 1!
Commissar: "The Politburo always knows what's best for you."
Proletariat: "Comrade Commissar, that is bullshi... "
Commissar: "Yessss?..."
Proletariat: "... vic."
Doctor, after a heavy date: "Take one of these and don't call me in the morning."
Before Smokey became a forest ranger, he was a feared mob enforcer. Legend has it that he could kill with his bear hands.
I didn't have enough money for both butt cheek implants, so the plastic surgeon suggested I have only one side done. What a half-assed suggestion!
* * *
In my youth, I owned half a dozen dogs. My favorite was an old mutt called Camel. I gave him that name 'cause he had no front legs or hind legs; I used to pull him out of the pack regularly for a drag.
* * *
Hamsters are a lot like cigars: they're fairly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
* * *
What you get when you run your father's car practically out of gas: fear of the walking dad.
* * *
Environmentalist: "We got all the loggers out of this forest to save these trees for the wildlife, and now what do I see? You damn beavers are cutting 'em all down! Will you kindly cease and desist?"
Beavers: "Gnaw."
* * *
Don't judge me by my furniture... my couch can support a family.
* * *
Hear about the tribe of cannibals that refuses to eat gingers? They prefer soul food.
* * *
Donald Trump was always eager for Ivanka to marry a stud. Studs are, after all, big supporters of the wall.
* * *
St. Gabriel is the patron saint of communication, but did you know there's also a special patron for email communication? It's St. Francis of a Cc.
* * *
Patient: "Are you gonna use gas to knock me out?"
Doctor: "What would you prefer? A big iron hammer?"
Patient: "Ether/ore."
* * *
Imams are extremely predictable when answering multiple choice surveys. It's always: D - Allah the above.
* * *
My brother is a bag boy at a department store, though he'd really like to graduate to appliance demonstration. He thought that the smoothie maker would be perfect for him, but the manager said no: baggers can't be juicers.
* * *
Read a few pages from the middle of a dictionary and you'll learn next to nothing.
* * *
I've heard it said that change is hard. Well of course it is, dummies! If it was soft it would jam up the vending machines!
* * *
She: "I don't care how expensive they are, we simply have to replace this old mattress! I want you to give me an answer by tomorrow!"
He: "Let me sleep on it."
* * *
My sister tells me she wants to marry a man who was made experimentally in a Petri dish. I fully support her choice! He certainly is cultured!
* * *
Boss: "Todd, you don't seem to be 100% today... more like 75%. Are you feeling ill?"
Todd: "Maybe... I guess I do look odd.
* * *
My brother bet me even money I wouldn't join Gamblers Anonymous, so I called for an appointment. You know what? It turned out even better than I thought! The guy I talked to told me that no one could help me at the moment... he said to phone back later at 20 to 1!
* * *
Commissar: "The Politburo always knows what's best for you."
Proletariat: "Comrade Commissar, that is bullshi... "
Commissar: "Yessss?..."
Proletariat: "... vic."
* * *
Doctor, after a heavy date: "Take one of these and don't call me in the morning."
* * *
Before Smokey became a forest ranger, he was a feared mob enforcer. Legend has it that he could kill with his bear hands.
* * *
I didn't have enough money for both butt cheek implants, so the plastic surgeon suggested I have only one side done. What a half-assed suggestion!
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