Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My general care physician has his credentials framed on the wall of his examining room. That's supposed to inspire confidence, I suppose... but it looks to me as though they've been doctored!
Brunette: "Did you hear? Five pounds of heroine were found by the trash cans this morning!"
Blonde: "Wow! I had no idea that trash cans worked for the DEA!"
My doctor put me on a strict vegetarian diet and it's a lot harder to maintain than I thought. Vegetarians just aren't very filling.
Judge: "You may not have committed any crime against this State, but if I could I'd convict you of having a huge ego!"
Defendant: "Your Honor, I am appealing!"
I met Garry Kasparov at a summer cookout. What an ordeal! There was a checkered cover on the picnic table and it took him two hours to pass the salt!
Never play poker with John! He gets way too many flushes!
Seen the Disney animated film, "Elemental"? Neither have I, but I understand it's about a man made entirely out of water who goes on the run because he's wanted in three states... solid, liquid and gas.
Steve Irwin died the way he lived: wild animals had always been in his heart.
I wanted to be a bad-ass, so I bought a pair of nunchucks. And they work great! I've already used 'em to chuck two nuns out of my Catholic school!
The Trans Women's Club must be a failure... members seem to be dropping off.
My goose-feather pillow sprung a leak as I slept last night. This morning, I woke up feeling a little down.
Boy: "Hey look, Dad! I caught a fly!"
Dad: "Well, let's see what you have there! Hmmm... no wonder it was easy to catch. Son, this fly's been dead at least a week!"
Boy: "Oh. (pause) Hey look, Dad! I caught a flew!"
I got banned from our local supermarket and all because I followed instructions! The cashier distinctly said, "Strip down, facing me!"... how was I supposed to know she was talking about my credit card!
He: "You never pay proper attention! With you, it goes straight in one ear and out the other! Well, I'm happy to report that it's never worked that way with me!"
She: "Of course not. Everyone knows that sound can't pass through a vacuum."
I went over to the neighbors' house for dinner, but first they took me into the nursery to see the triplets in their crib. What a nice gesture! The only other place I've seen that done is at Red Lobster!
He: "Why do you gals make such a big deal out of your handbags?"
She: "For personal growth. When you get one that's big enough, you achieve special insight."
He: "Is that so!"
She: "Yes indeed! Purse capacity leads to perspicacity!"
Since going on this foreign business trip, my sex life has been nothing to write home about. I don't dare... my wife would kill me if she ever found out.
Titanic to Titan: "Welcome home, little fella! I know you're under a lot of pressure, but don't be so depressed!"
My beloved kitty has passed away, but in a sense she isn't gone: she'll live forever in my online passwords.
She: "I just learned about famed female buccaneer Anne Bonny. According to naval history, she boarded British warships bare breasted so as to distract the Royal Marines."
He: "Didn't that distract her own crew as well?"
She: "Naw. All pirates care about is booty."
My guidance councelor taught me that a journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. I had to find out for myself that the advise applies to railway crossings too.
A psychopath breaks into the home of a couple who are asleep in bed. He holds a butcher knife to the wife's throat, hissing, "Before I kill you, tell me your name!"
"M-my name is Anna!" the woman tremulously tells him.
"Anna!" the crazed psycho exclaims. "My mother's name was Anna! For that, I'll let you live."
He then moves on to the husband, placing the knife against the man's neck and likewise demanding, "Before I kill you, tell me your name!"
"My name is John," the man begins, quaking. "But all my friends call me Anna."
* * *
Brunette: "Did you hear? Five pounds of heroine were found by the trash cans this morning!"
Blonde: "Wow! I had no idea that trash cans worked for the DEA!"
* * *
My doctor put me on a strict vegetarian diet and it's a lot harder to maintain than I thought. Vegetarians just aren't very filling.
* * *
Judge: "You may not have committed any crime against this State, but if I could I'd convict you of having a huge ego!"
Defendant: "Your Honor, I am appealing!"
* * *
I met Garry Kasparov at a summer cookout. What an ordeal! There was a checkered cover on the picnic table and it took him two hours to pass the salt!
* * *
Never play poker with John! He gets way too many flushes!
* * *
Seen the Disney animated film, "Elemental"? Neither have I, but I understand it's about a man made entirely out of water who goes on the run because he's wanted in three states... solid, liquid and gas.
* * *
Steve Irwin died the way he lived: wild animals had always been in his heart.
* * *
I wanted to be a bad-ass, so I bought a pair of nunchucks. And they work great! I've already used 'em to chuck two nuns out of my Catholic school!
* * *
The Trans Women's Club must be a failure... members seem to be dropping off.
* * *
My goose-feather pillow sprung a leak as I slept last night. This morning, I woke up feeling a little down.
* * *
Boy: "Hey look, Dad! I caught a fly!"
Dad: "Well, let's see what you have there! Hmmm... no wonder it was easy to catch. Son, this fly's been dead at least a week!"
Boy: "Oh. (pause) Hey look, Dad! I caught a flew!"
* * *
I got banned from our local supermarket and all because I followed instructions! The cashier distinctly said, "Strip down, facing me!"... how was I supposed to know she was talking about my credit card!
* * *
He: "You never pay proper attention! With you, it goes straight in one ear and out the other! Well, I'm happy to report that it's never worked that way with me!"
She: "Of course not. Everyone knows that sound can't pass through a vacuum."
* * *
I went over to the neighbors' house for dinner, but first they took me into the nursery to see the triplets in their crib. What a nice gesture! The only other place I've seen that done is at Red Lobster!
* * *
He: "Why do you gals make such a big deal out of your handbags?"
She: "For personal growth. When you get one that's big enough, you achieve special insight."
He: "Is that so!"
She: "Yes indeed! Purse capacity leads to perspicacity!"
* * *
Since going on this foreign business trip, my sex life has been nothing to write home about. I don't dare... my wife would kill me if she ever found out.
* * *
Titanic to Titan: "Welcome home, little fella! I know you're under a lot of pressure, but don't be so depressed!"
* * *
My beloved kitty has passed away, but in a sense she isn't gone: she'll live forever in my online passwords.
* * *
She: "I just learned about famed female buccaneer Anne Bonny. According to naval history, she boarded British warships bare breasted so as to distract the Royal Marines."
He: "Didn't that distract her own crew as well?"
She: "Naw. All pirates care about is booty."
* * *
My guidance councelor taught me that a journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. I had to find out for myself that the advise applies to railway crossings too.
* * *
A psychopath breaks into the home of a couple who are asleep in bed. He holds a butcher knife to the wife's throat, hissing, "Before I kill you, tell me your name!"
"M-my name is Anna!" the woman tremulously tells him.
"Anna!" the crazed psycho exclaims. "My mother's name was Anna! For that, I'll let you live."
He then moves on to the husband, placing the knife against the man's neck and likewise demanding, "Before I kill you, tell me your name!"
"My name is John," the man begins, quaking. "But all my friends call me Anna."
