Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My mother had me at a very young age. Matter of fact, I was a newborn.
Brunette: "What do you think about Jung's theory of the collective unconscious?"
Blonde: "Makes sense to me. I sleep at night, same as everyone else."
I strongly believe that God wants me to stop drinking. Last night as I staggered down the street on my way home from the liquor store, my head collided with something hard and the bottle flew out of my hand, smashing to pieces right at the steps of the church! I think it was a sign.
Q: What's the toughest thing about telling a "dad" joke?
A: Waiting for the delivery.
I wasn't worried about going into the forest alone, since I had a compass with me... I spent the next two days wandering around in circles. That's when I realized I'd brought the wrong kind of compass.
The golfer Eldrick Tont Woods goes by the nickname "Tiger". Not everyone uses it, though. His wife calls him by a different nickname: "Cheetah".
My weekend sex is unbelievable! But if I keep trying, I may come to believe in it someday.
Customer: "What's good today?"
Waitress: "The Friday special is tongue salad."
Customer: "Uuuggh! That's disgusting! I'm not eating anything that came out of an animal's mouth! Give me the egg salad instead."
I've had chronic foot pain for weeks and my physician has prescribed several rounds of massage. I have great faith in this form of treatment: compression is good for the sole.
Q: What have we received from the James Webb telescope?
A: Illuminating information and truly beautiful space photographs.
Q: What have we received from the Jack Webb telescope?
A: Just the facts.
My brother called today to let me know his 11 month old son is walking! It was quite a surprise... with all that evidence against him, we didn't think he could possibly beat the rap.
Mr. Obrien: "Terrible news, Mrs. Mahoney! Yer husband Paddy... he fell inta a vat of Guinness and drowned hisself ta death!"
Mrs. Mahoney: "Saints above, such a tragedy! Tell me, then... did he go quick?"
Mr. Obrien: "Not really, missus... he got out three times ta use the toilet."
I haven't slept in days... I'm limiting myself to hours now.
Two pals are out fishing when they see the game warden's truck approach.
"Damn!" cries the first. "We're over the limit! We'll, get fined for sure! Quick, stuff a couple of these trout down your shorts so he won't know we've got 'em!"
"That's asinine!" grouses the second guy. "What about the smell?"
"All right, all right!" fumes the first man. "We'll plug their noses first!"
You can have my fireworks when you pry 'em from my cold, dead hands! Keep looking, they're around here somewhere.
"Dear dairy: today I found out I have dyslexia."
Priest #1: "I hate having to kiss the Bishop's ring!"
Priest #2: "Oh, it's not that bad!"
Priest #1: "It was this morning! He had it in has back pocket!"
My brother died when a Coca Cola billboard fell on top of him. It was soda pressing.
"Mom, I can't stand my little brother! I hate his guts!"
"Just eat your peas and carrots, then."
The Hollywood Wax Museum has added a figure of Darth Vader. The plaque includes his given name, as well: Mannequin Skywalker.
The owner of a Vietnamese restaurant told me I couldn't bring in any outside food! Pretty mean of him, kicking out a blind man and his service dog!
Two painters, a realist and a surrealist are hard at work in a studio. The realist glances at his companion's canvas to see a baffling tangle of colors and lines.
"What is that supposed to be?" he mutters.
"That, my friend," the surrealist crows, "is a portrait of God!"
"Ridiculous!" the realist sniffs. "No one knows what God looks like!"
"Of course not!" the surrealist replies angrily. "I haven't finished the portrait yet!"
* * *
Brunette: "What do you think about Jung's theory of the collective unconscious?"
Blonde: "Makes sense to me. I sleep at night, same as everyone else."
* * *
I strongly believe that God wants me to stop drinking. Last night as I staggered down the street on my way home from the liquor store, my head collided with something hard and the bottle flew out of my hand, smashing to pieces right at the steps of the church! I think it was a sign.
* * *
Q: What's the toughest thing about telling a "dad" joke?
A: Waiting for the delivery.
* * *
I wasn't worried about going into the forest alone, since I had a compass with me... I spent the next two days wandering around in circles. That's when I realized I'd brought the wrong kind of compass.
* * *
The golfer Eldrick Tont Woods goes by the nickname "Tiger". Not everyone uses it, though. His wife calls him by a different nickname: "Cheetah".
* * *
My weekend sex is unbelievable! But if I keep trying, I may come to believe in it someday.
* * *
Customer: "What's good today?"
Waitress: "The Friday special is tongue salad."
Customer: "Uuuggh! That's disgusting! I'm not eating anything that came out of an animal's mouth! Give me the egg salad instead."
* * *
I've had chronic foot pain for weeks and my physician has prescribed several rounds of massage. I have great faith in this form of treatment: compression is good for the sole.
* * *
Q: What have we received from the James Webb telescope?
A: Illuminating information and truly beautiful space photographs.
Q: What have we received from the Jack Webb telescope?
A: Just the facts.
* * *
My brother called today to let me know his 11 month old son is walking! It was quite a surprise... with all that evidence against him, we didn't think he could possibly beat the rap.
* * *
Mr. Obrien: "Terrible news, Mrs. Mahoney! Yer husband Paddy... he fell inta a vat of Guinness and drowned hisself ta death!"
Mrs. Mahoney: "Saints above, such a tragedy! Tell me, then... did he go quick?"
Mr. Obrien: "Not really, missus... he got out three times ta use the toilet."
* * *
I haven't slept in days... I'm limiting myself to hours now.
* * *
Two pals are out fishing when they see the game warden's truck approach.
"Damn!" cries the first. "We're over the limit! We'll, get fined for sure! Quick, stuff a couple of these trout down your shorts so he won't know we've got 'em!"
"That's asinine!" grouses the second guy. "What about the smell?"
"All right, all right!" fumes the first man. "We'll plug their noses first!"
* * *
You can have my fireworks when you pry 'em from my cold, dead hands! Keep looking, they're around here somewhere.
* * *
"Dear dairy: today I found out I have dyslexia."
* * *
Priest #1: "I hate having to kiss the Bishop's ring!"
Priest #2: "Oh, it's not that bad!"
Priest #1: "It was this morning! He had it in has back pocket!"
* * *
My brother died when a Coca Cola billboard fell on top of him. It was soda pressing.
* * *
"Mom, I can't stand my little brother! I hate his guts!"
"Just eat your peas and carrots, then."
* * *
The Hollywood Wax Museum has added a figure of Darth Vader. The plaque includes his given name, as well: Mannequin Skywalker.
* * *
The owner of a Vietnamese restaurant told me I couldn't bring in any outside food! Pretty mean of him, kicking out a blind man and his service dog!
* * *
Two painters, a realist and a surrealist are hard at work in a studio. The realist glances at his companion's canvas to see a baffling tangle of colors and lines.
"What is that supposed to be?" he mutters.
"That, my friend," the surrealist crows, "is a portrait of God!"
"Ridiculous!" the realist sniffs. "No one knows what God looks like!"
"Of course not!" the surrealist replies angrily. "I haven't finished the portrait yet!"
