Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I actually found a wig at the dollar store. Naturally it caught my interest... it was a small-price toupee.
Q: What are two animals peculiar to Australia?
A: The polar bear and the caribou. If you found either one of them living there, it'd be damn peculiar.
A truth I learned in grade school: a short attention span will lead to a long detention span.
Wife: "How is my husband doing, doctor? Was he badly hurt in the accident?"
Doctor: "I'm happy to report we managed to save both his arms."
Wife: "Oh thank God!"
Doctor: "Darned if we could find the rest of him, though."
Once I married my girlfriend, she became a wife. After 20 years of marriage, she became b wife. If she ever finds out about the the new a, she'll turn into an x wife.
She: "I'm really not pleased with the anniversary gift you gave me this year."
He: "You forgot to say 'Over'."
My college days were wild. Sometimes I'd go out with only a beanie covering my privates. Campus police would arrest me at the drop of a hat.
Hear about the new Pokemon that lives near the seashore? It's called Clamidia. Throw your balls around randomly and you're sure to catch it!
I weigh over 350 lbs. My pappy didn't raise no losers!
Bruce Wayne has never been married and will doubtless never be. That's what happens when you identify as batular.
We've been studying the Dark Ages in history class. I always wondered how it got that name and now I know... there were so damn many black knights!
"Dad, I want to go to college to study plants."
"Botany?"
"Not right now... but once I graduate, I can afford to get plenty!"
It's safe to say that no extraterrestrial race capable of space travel is vegan. If they were, they'd have been here already to tell us.
A potato spends the night playing poker with the other vegetables and wins big. On his way home, he runs into a knife-wielding thug.
When he finally gets to his front door, he calls out, "Honey, I'm back."
"Hi dear," Mrs. Potato answers. "How did you do?"
"Need you ask?" he replies. "Just look at me... I'm in the chips!"
My math teacher asked me if it was possible to count all the way up to infinity. I said I could, but it'd take forever.
Customer: "Do you have any of those kinds of trees I can carry home in my hand?"
Nursery owner: "You mean like a bonsai tree?"
Customer: "No. What I really wanted was a palm."
Just because something's cool when you're young doesn't mean it'll be cool forever. If you don't believe me, just ask a woolly mammoth.
A Tesla owner complained that his new car was attracting lightning strikes.
"Read your sales contract," Elon Musk replied. "I promised a free fill-up with every purchase!"
My blond girlfriend won't jump into a swimming pool because she's afraid she'll sink straight to the bottom. How can she be so dense?
What has allowed man to become the most dominant creature on the planet? Not his hands or his heart, but his brain! Makes you think, doesn't it!
Q: How does a baker keep his bagels from being stolen?
A: He puts lox on them.
Did you hear? Bill Cosby just got off! This time without date-rape drugs!
* * *
Q: What are two animals peculiar to Australia?
A: The polar bear and the caribou. If you found either one of them living there, it'd be damn peculiar.
* * *
A truth I learned in grade school: a short attention span will lead to a long detention span.
* * *
Wife: "How is my husband doing, doctor? Was he badly hurt in the accident?"
Doctor: "I'm happy to report we managed to save both his arms."
Wife: "Oh thank God!"
Doctor: "Darned if we could find the rest of him, though."
* * *
Once I married my girlfriend, she became a wife. After 20 years of marriage, she became b wife. If she ever finds out about the the new a, she'll turn into an x wife.
* * *
She: "I'm really not pleased with the anniversary gift you gave me this year."
He: "You forgot to say 'Over'."
* * *
My college days were wild. Sometimes I'd go out with only a beanie covering my privates. Campus police would arrest me at the drop of a hat.
* * *
Hear about the new Pokemon that lives near the seashore? It's called Clamidia. Throw your balls around randomly and you're sure to catch it!
* * *
I weigh over 350 lbs. My pappy didn't raise no losers!
* * *
Bruce Wayne has never been married and will doubtless never be. That's what happens when you identify as batular.
* * *
We've been studying the Dark Ages in history class. I always wondered how it got that name and now I know... there were so damn many black knights!
* * *
"Dad, I want to go to college to study plants."
"Botany?"
"Not right now... but once I graduate, I can afford to get plenty!"
* * *
It's safe to say that no extraterrestrial race capable of space travel is vegan. If they were, they'd have been here already to tell us.
* * *
A potato spends the night playing poker with the other vegetables and wins big. On his way home, he runs into a knife-wielding thug.
When he finally gets to his front door, he calls out, "Honey, I'm back."
"Hi dear," Mrs. Potato answers. "How did you do?"
"Need you ask?" he replies. "Just look at me... I'm in the chips!"
* * *
My math teacher asked me if it was possible to count all the way up to infinity. I said I could, but it'd take forever.
* * *
Customer: "Do you have any of those kinds of trees I can carry home in my hand?"
Nursery owner: "You mean like a bonsai tree?"
Customer: "No. What I really wanted was a palm."
* * *
Just because something's cool when you're young doesn't mean it'll be cool forever. If you don't believe me, just ask a woolly mammoth.
* * *
A Tesla owner complained that his new car was attracting lightning strikes.
"Read your sales contract," Elon Musk replied. "I promised a free fill-up with every purchase!"
* * *
My blond girlfriend won't jump into a swimming pool because she's afraid she'll sink straight to the bottom. How can she be so dense?
* * *
What has allowed man to become the most dominant creature on the planet? Not his hands or his heart, but his brain! Makes you think, doesn't it!
* * *
Q: How does a baker keep his bagels from being stolen?
A: He puts lox on them.
* * *
Did you hear? Bill Cosby just got off! This time without date-rape drugs!
