Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My brother just wrote a book: "Anyone Can Go From Pauper to Billionaire in Ten Easy Steps". He now needs funds to publish it and has come to me for help. I told him to start with Step One.
"More haste, less speed"... in other words, don't do your business half fast.
Scotland Yard may suspect me of fraud, but that hasn't kept me from working my way up and down London... a shilling here, a shilling there...
First tenet of Nigerian Prince philosophy: "I think, therefore I scam."
You know those old cannons you see out in front of court houses? I used to make a good living cleaning out the barrels. But not anymore... sorry to have to report, I've been fired.
Sports reporter: "Another 40-0 loss... it's been a disappointing season so far. What do you have to say about your team's execution?"
Team owner: "The sooner, the better."
My cousin was making out a list of preferences for an online dating survey and one of his stipulations was for women who were under six feet. After that, he was asked to leave; they told him they had no intention of catering to necrophiles.
Brunette: "Putin's still talking garbage about Nazis in the Ukraine! I'm sick to death of his mind games!"
Blonde: "Me too! From what I hear, the whole country's been mined!"
I needed a character reference, so I penned a letter in which my sister listed my most distinctive qualities. She mentioned I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect for the job! Upon examining the note, she added that I also make inappropriate use apostrophes or blank spaces.
Doctor: "So, how are you feeling today, Mr. Musk?"
Elon: "Like a million bucks, Doc!"
Doctor: "Nurse, quick! Get this man to the ER!"
I just finished reading the book "101 Mating Positions" and can't wait for my girlfriend to come over so we can try out every one! We're both crazy about chess!
All the actors are out on strike, but they can't tell you why. That's because all the writers are out on strike too.
My uncle is a military chaplain. He does all his clothes shopping at the army surplice store.
Visitor: "Hi M. C.! What's up?"
Escher: "Y'know, I've never been able to figure that out."
M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood. He had to walk three miles to get to art school... uphill both ways!
My brother has chosen to live in a nudist colony. Every weekend, I head down there so we can hang out.
"My boyfriend has an insatiable foot fetish."
"Wow! He sounds really kinky!"
"Not really. In fact, you could call him pedestrian."
Some people use dynamite for fishing; I use it to bag deer. At the start of each hunting season, you'll find me on the dark web, trying to get the most bang for my buck.
I use high explosives to slaughter my cattle. It's a cheap, simple way to make ground beef, though finding all the bits can take some time.
Charges were filed today against industrial spies who attempted to steal Pepsi-Cola's secret formula. One of the company's major soft drink rivals was indicted, along with various Coke-conspirators.
I've never been to Canada and like many US citizens I envision it in fairy tale terms, filled with rivers of pancake syrup, inhabited by herds of happy moose patrolled by valiant Mounties. Then again, what else would you expect from the Land of Maple Leaf?
Surveillance recording of the Fudd Mob crime syndicate:
Elmer: "Wemember, boys: tomowwow we pull off the big destillewy job. Daffy, you and me hit the safe. Porky, you dwive the getaway car. Bugs, you set the booze on fire as a distwaction."
Bugs: "Will it be whisky, doc?"
Elmer: "Yeah, pwobabwy. But not as wisky as wobbing a bank."
* * *
"More haste, less speed"... in other words, don't do your business half fast.
* * *
Scotland Yard may suspect me of fraud, but that hasn't kept me from working my way up and down London... a shilling here, a shilling there...
* * *
First tenet of Nigerian Prince philosophy: "I think, therefore I scam."
* * *
You know those old cannons you see out in front of court houses? I used to make a good living cleaning out the barrels. But not anymore... sorry to have to report, I've been fired.
* * *
Sports reporter: "Another 40-0 loss... it's been a disappointing season so far. What do you have to say about your team's execution?"
Team owner: "The sooner, the better."
* * *
My cousin was making out a list of preferences for an online dating survey and one of his stipulations was for women who were under six feet. After that, he was asked to leave; they told him they had no intention of catering to necrophiles.
* * *
Brunette: "Putin's still talking garbage about Nazis in the Ukraine! I'm sick to death of his mind games!"
Blonde: "Me too! From what I hear, the whole country's been mined!"
* * *
I needed a character reference, so I penned a letter in which my sister listed my most distinctive qualities. She mentioned I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect for the job! Upon examining the note, she added that I also make inappropriate use apostrophes or blank spaces.
* * *
Doctor: "So, how are you feeling today, Mr. Musk?"
Elon: "Like a million bucks, Doc!"
Doctor: "Nurse, quick! Get this man to the ER!"
* * *
I just finished reading the book "101 Mating Positions" and can't wait for my girlfriend to come over so we can try out every one! We're both crazy about chess!
* * *
All the actors are out on strike, but they can't tell you why. That's because all the writers are out on strike too.
* * *
My uncle is a military chaplain. He does all his clothes shopping at the army surplice store.
* * *
Visitor: "Hi M. C.! What's up?"
Escher: "Y'know, I've never been able to figure that out."
* * *
M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood. He had to walk three miles to get to art school... uphill both ways!
* * *
My brother has chosen to live in a nudist colony. Every weekend, I head down there so we can hang out.
* * *
"My boyfriend has an insatiable foot fetish."
"Wow! He sounds really kinky!"
"Not really. In fact, you could call him pedestrian."
* * *
Some people use dynamite for fishing; I use it to bag deer. At the start of each hunting season, you'll find me on the dark web, trying to get the most bang for my buck.
* * *
I use high explosives to slaughter my cattle. It's a cheap, simple way to make ground beef, though finding all the bits can take some time.
* * *
Charges were filed today against industrial spies who attempted to steal Pepsi-Cola's secret formula. One of the company's major soft drink rivals was indicted, along with various Coke-conspirators.
* * *
I've never been to Canada and like many US citizens I envision it in fairy tale terms, filled with rivers of pancake syrup, inhabited by herds of happy moose patrolled by valiant Mounties. Then again, what else would you expect from the Land of Maple Leaf?
* * *
Surveillance recording of the Fudd Mob crime syndicate:
Elmer: "Wemember, boys: tomowwow we pull off the big destillewy job. Daffy, you and me hit the safe. Porky, you dwive the getaway car. Bugs, you set the booze on fire as a distwaction."
Bugs: "Will it be whisky, doc?"
Elmer: "Yeah, pwobabwy. But not as wisky as wobbing a bank."
