Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
A cargo freighter full of Viagra hit an iceberg in exactly the same spot the Titanic did back in 1912. Not only did the vessel stay aloft until help arrived, but it had the added benefit of raising the sunken ship.
Mom gave me a call at my Harvard dorm to tell me grandpa had expired. Damn, I wish she'd let me know sooner... I had hoped to get back to New Guinea for a slice.
Visitor: "Pardon me, is there a Lost-and-Found in the part of the museum?"
Attendant: "Sir, this is the Archeological Wing. The whole place is a Lost-and-Found."
My dad died yesterday. I must say, he and I hadn't been close... a good thing too, since he was killed in a car crash.
Crooks pulled off the theft of a kitchen sink without leaving a single fingerprint. Investigating officers say it was a stainless steal.
Instead of spending a fortune on postage, I packed my vacation gifts into separate suitcases and told the airport baggage handler, "I'd like this one to go to Portland, this one to Chicago and this one to Honolulu."
"I'm sorry, sir," the man said, bewildered. "We just can't do that!"
"Why not?" I replied stiffly. "You did it last time."
Bruce Wayne was obsessed with bats even before he became a crime fighter. It was his mother's doing... when he was just six months old, what did she hang over his crib? A bat mobile!
My wife says I'm constantly pushing her buttons. That may be true, but it's not through maliciousness... I'm just looking for the mute.
Hear about the couple who took part in a murder/suicide? She swallowed a lethal overdose of pills, he then shot her.
The iPhone I bought last year is equipped with Siri; so far, I've never used this feature. I just feel more comfortable typing out my queries... I do search quite a bit, but that goes without saying.
Charter tours of the Bermuda Triangle: for those who want to get away from it all.
My brother wanted part of my hard boiled egg, so I tried to cut in half. Unfortunately, I couldn't... it was past its prime.
Parishioner #1: "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
Parishioner #2: "I don't know! Do you think we should be praying for it?"
I went to my wardrobe to find my kravat, but it was so cramped, cluttered and dingy in there I could see what I was doing. As a result, I got my ascot.
God always gives us more than one chance. That's because he enjoys watching us fail over and over.
I'm suing Apple! Yesterday I stuck my smart phone in my back pocket, and the facial recognition feature unlocked it!
Pipers traditionally play their bagpipes in marching bands. It's easy to understand why... they're trying to get away from the noise.
I needed to buy a satchel for work and the first one I looked at had a combination lock so cumbersome the salesman couldn't even unlatch it. He fumbled with it so long, I insisted he show me a more basic model. This one came without any fancy security upgrades and it was exactly what I wanted! It was an open and shut case!
Meat substitutes are becoming increasingly accepted and popular. Just check online... you'll find a wide selection of dildos.
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin. Ha! That puts me one-up on one of the world's greatest geniuses! I'm not dead yet!
My wife doesn't like the way I introduce her to strangers. It's true, though... she is my ex-girlfriend.
Moses struck the rock instead of speaking to it and was punished by being banned forever from the Promised Land. Will Smith did the same thing, but is only being kept out for ten years.
* * *
Mom gave me a call at my Harvard dorm to tell me grandpa had expired. Damn, I wish she'd let me know sooner... I had hoped to get back to New Guinea for a slice.
* * *
Visitor: "Pardon me, is there a Lost-and-Found in the part of the museum?"
Attendant: "Sir, this is the Archeological Wing. The whole place is a Lost-and-Found."
* * *
My dad died yesterday. I must say, he and I hadn't been close... a good thing too, since he was killed in a car crash.
* * *
Crooks pulled off the theft of a kitchen sink without leaving a single fingerprint. Investigating officers say it was a stainless steal.
* * *
Instead of spending a fortune on postage, I packed my vacation gifts into separate suitcases and told the airport baggage handler, "I'd like this one to go to Portland, this one to Chicago and this one to Honolulu."
"I'm sorry, sir," the man said, bewildered. "We just can't do that!"
"Why not?" I replied stiffly. "You did it last time."
* * *
Bruce Wayne was obsessed with bats even before he became a crime fighter. It was his mother's doing... when he was just six months old, what did she hang over his crib? A bat mobile!
* * *
My wife says I'm constantly pushing her buttons. That may be true, but it's not through maliciousness... I'm just looking for the mute.
* * *
Hear about the couple who took part in a murder/suicide? She swallowed a lethal overdose of pills, he then shot her.
* * *
The iPhone I bought last year is equipped with Siri; so far, I've never used this feature. I just feel more comfortable typing out my queries... I do search quite a bit, but that goes without saying.
* * *
Charter tours of the Bermuda Triangle: for those who want to get away from it all.
* * *
My brother wanted part of my hard boiled egg, so I tried to cut in half. Unfortunately, I couldn't... it was past its prime.
* * *
Parishioner #1: "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
Parishioner #2: "I don't know! Do you think we should be praying for it?"
* * *
I went to my wardrobe to find my kravat, but it was so cramped, cluttered and dingy in there I could see what I was doing. As a result, I got my ascot.
* * *
God always gives us more than one chance. That's because he enjoys watching us fail over and over.
* * *
I'm suing Apple! Yesterday I stuck my smart phone in my back pocket, and the facial recognition feature unlocked it!
* * *
Pipers traditionally play their bagpipes in marching bands. It's easy to understand why... they're trying to get away from the noise.
* * *
I needed to buy a satchel for work and the first one I looked at had a combination lock so cumbersome the salesman couldn't even unlatch it. He fumbled with it so long, I insisted he show me a more basic model. This one came without any fancy security upgrades and it was exactly what I wanted! It was an open and shut case!
* * *
Meat substitutes are becoming increasingly accepted and popular. Just check online... you'll find a wide selection of dildos.
* * *
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin. Ha! That puts me one-up on one of the world's greatest geniuses! I'm not dead yet!
* * *
My wife doesn't like the way I introduce her to strangers. It's true, though... she is my ex-girlfriend.
* * *
Moses struck the rock instead of speaking to it and was punished by being banned forever from the Promised Land. Will Smith did the same thing, but is only being kept out for ten years.
