Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
You've heard of the Victorian era painter Richard Dadd, right? Surely you know his most famous portrait: "Father's Whistler".
I got myself a job as a school bus driver. The pay's lousy, but I love the look on friends' faces when I tell 'em I'm a child trafficer.
The Disney princesses started their own basketball team and every one of them found a position. Well, all except for Cinderella... she had a nasty habit of running away from the ball.
I hated my days in elementary school. The teachers were so unfair! Even back when I was learning the alphabet and one of them asked me if I could give her the next letters after K-L-M... I mean, what's the proper answer if it isn't N-O!
Geography teacher: "Who here can tell me the fastest way to reach the poles?"
Student one: "By dog sled to the village of Longyearbyen: 5 weeks."
Student two: "By ice tractor to the Amundsen–Scott Research Station: 2 weeks."
Student three: "By bus to the city of Krakow: two hours."
I had no problem with observing my dad's last wish of having his remains scattered on our 40 acre property; I just wish he'd made it clear he wanted to be cremated first.
Joker's motto: Bruise Wayne before he bruises you.
My cousin's a double amputee... still, he beats everyone else in his dojo. He's an undisputed master of partial arts.
Gandalf's original plan to defeat Sauron involved recruiting Jehovah's Witnesses instead of hobbits. He knew they'd do anything to reach more door.
Genie: "I am the genie of the magic lamp! I shall grant you two wishes!"
Aladdin: "Hey, it's usually three wishes, isn't it? Can't I have three wishes?"
Genie: "Granted!"
If you want to describe something about metal, you use the word "metallic". However, the same principle doesn't seem to apply to iron. Isn't that ironic?
Comic Sans walks into a bar.
"Out!" yells the bartender. "We don't serve your type!"
"Your honor, this is cruel and inhuman! I have a wife! I have five young children! You can't send me back to that hell-hole!"
"Sorry, son, but you've served your term. We have no choice but to release you."
I was interested in breeding chinchillas for profit, but it isn't cost effective. They die right after sex. The pet shop owner assured me that's a myth, but it's not. I've tested the females personally just to be sure.
Mr. Peanut to Mrs. Peanut: "Going to the store, hon! I'll be back in a Jif!"
It doesn't matter how much it rains in England... the conditions in Germany will always be wetter.
Mystic: "The crystal shows me a very cold winter ahead."
Mystic's son: "Jesus, dad, put on your glasses! You're using the snow globe again!"
"All lawyers are assholes!"
"Take that back or I'll sue you!"
"Oh, another lawyer, eh?"
"No! I'm an asshole!"
Cardi B has taken up a new cause: heart health. She's so serious about it, she's changed her name to Cardi O.
"Says in this article that one out of every four men is gay. That made me think... there just happen to be four men in our golf group!"
"I hope it's Ben. He's super cute!"
Blonde: "I wanna make chicken soup."
Brunette: "Well, the first thing you'll need is a good chicken stock."
Blonde: "Hey, if I owned KFC shares I wouldn't be cooking for myself!"
A man walks into a bar, but before he can order the bartender tells him, "Don't ask for anything complicated. I left my glasses at home and I can't see too well without 'em."
"Damn!" grouses the barfly. "I really wanted a lager and lime."
* * *
I got myself a job as a school bus driver. The pay's lousy, but I love the look on friends' faces when I tell 'em I'm a child trafficer.
* * *
The Disney princesses started their own basketball team and every one of them found a position. Well, all except for Cinderella... she had a nasty habit of running away from the ball.
* * *
I hated my days in elementary school. The teachers were so unfair! Even back when I was learning the alphabet and one of them asked me if I could give her the next letters after K-L-M... I mean, what's the proper answer if it isn't N-O!
* * *
Geography teacher: "Who here can tell me the fastest way to reach the poles?"
Student one: "By dog sled to the village of Longyearbyen: 5 weeks."
Student two: "By ice tractor to the Amundsen–Scott Research Station: 2 weeks."
Student three: "By bus to the city of Krakow: two hours."
* * *
I had no problem with observing my dad's last wish of having his remains scattered on our 40 acre property; I just wish he'd made it clear he wanted to be cremated first.
* * *
Joker's motto: Bruise Wayne before he bruises you.
* * *
My cousin's a double amputee... still, he beats everyone else in his dojo. He's an undisputed master of partial arts.
* * *
Gandalf's original plan to defeat Sauron involved recruiting Jehovah's Witnesses instead of hobbits. He knew they'd do anything to reach more door.
* * *
Genie: "I am the genie of the magic lamp! I shall grant you two wishes!"
Aladdin: "Hey, it's usually three wishes, isn't it? Can't I have three wishes?"
Genie: "Granted!"
* * *
If you want to describe something about metal, you use the word "metallic". However, the same principle doesn't seem to apply to iron. Isn't that ironic?
* * *
Comic Sans walks into a bar.
"Out!" yells the bartender. "We don't serve your type!"
* * *
"Your honor, this is cruel and inhuman! I have a wife! I have five young children! You can't send me back to that hell-hole!"
"Sorry, son, but you've served your term. We have no choice but to release you."
* * *
I was interested in breeding chinchillas for profit, but it isn't cost effective. They die right after sex. The pet shop owner assured me that's a myth, but it's not. I've tested the females personally just to be sure.
* * *
Mr. Peanut to Mrs. Peanut: "Going to the store, hon! I'll be back in a Jif!"
* * *
It doesn't matter how much it rains in England... the conditions in Germany will always be wetter.
* * *
Mystic: "The crystal shows me a very cold winter ahead."
Mystic's son: "Jesus, dad, put on your glasses! You're using the snow globe again!"
* * *
"All lawyers are assholes!"
"Take that back or I'll sue you!"
"Oh, another lawyer, eh?"
"No! I'm an asshole!"
* * *
Cardi B has taken up a new cause: heart health. She's so serious about it, she's changed her name to Cardi O.
* * *
"Says in this article that one out of every four men is gay. That made me think... there just happen to be four men in our golf group!"
"I hope it's Ben. He's super cute!"
* * *
Blonde: "I wanna make chicken soup."
Brunette: "Well, the first thing you'll need is a good chicken stock."
Blonde: "Hey, if I owned KFC shares I wouldn't be cooking for myself!"
* * *
A man walks into a bar, but before he can order the bartender tells him, "Don't ask for anything complicated. I left my glasses at home and I can't see too well without 'em."
"Damn!" grouses the barfly. "I really wanted a lager and lime."
