Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,961
- Points
- 48
The director wanted to get his message across in a full length movie, but his one-and-only feature picture was a bomb. He should have kept it in his shorts.
I was relieved to hear they were finally boarding my flight; that soon turned to dismay when I saw I'd never get past the boards they'd nailed over the passenger entrance.
A religious zealot cries, "If you believe in the power of the Lord, no harm can come to you!" and leaps the zoo fence into a lion's enclosure. Two minutes later he's in Heaven, angrily demanding, "I've believed in You all my life, God! Why didn't you protect me?"
God's fed-up voice comes down from a cloud: "Why the hell do you think I put up that fence?"
I plan to meet with my transgender brother (formerly sister) for lunch, but don't know which restaurant to recommend. A salad joint, I suppose... appropriate, since he was a herbivore.
So, Biden's no longer in the race. Pretty weak showing. Too bad it wasn't Clinton in office... nothing would have made him pull out!
I'm always touched by my wife's sweet words every time we make love: "Happy Birthday, dear!"
He: "Hey babe, let's quit this bar and go to my place!"
She: "I don't think so."
He: "No? Why not?"
She: "Let's just say that I was put off by the 'male gaze'."
He: "You think I'm one of them male gays? Hon, I been starin' at your tits all night long!"
My granddad owned a big spread down in farming country. There was plenty of field work to be done, but there were complications too... seems that he just couldn't keep his hands off his lusty young wife. It became so disruptive that he had to fire every one of them.
Page one of the first erotic novel aimed at chronic premature ejaculators: "Kiss me, you sexy minx! I want to make love to you till -- " ...the end.
I've lost so much weight on my new diet, I was able to get into a pair of jeans that hadn't been right for me in years! Now my wife wants a divorce... the jeans belonged to my sister-in-law.
According to MLB rules, if you hit a bird in flight it's considered a fowl ball. That is, of course, unless the bird happens to be a pigeon... then it's a homer.
Language sure is funny. Here in the US, we use the word "elevator", whereas in England they call it a "lift". It's just a matter of where you've been raised.
Bus driver: "It's gonna be a long trip, kids. Has everyone used the restroom? Speak now, or forever hold your pees."
Dr. Jekyll is infamous for always carrying a glass beaker full of secret formula that turns him into a murdering monster! How could anyone commit such a vial act!
Hitler was dictatorial even as a child; it's well known that he flatly refused to eat the sausage his mom made for him. He insisted it just wasn't up to his standards. What a spoiled brat!
Mike Tyson to Donald Trump: "You planning to eat that?"
According to a recent study, it's far easier to stop a car which is descending from an elevation as opposed to one that's ascending. Apparently, braking up is hard to do.
As a publicity move, KFC paid for a new expansion to our local hospital. Unofficially, we're referring to it as the Chicken Wing.
At the Sea of Galilee, Jesus performed a miracle by feeding 5,000 people with only two fish. Holy mackerel!
A strip club just opened across the street from our local miniature golf course. What a ridiculous location! It spoiled the whole weekend! When I take my family out for a pleasant day's recreation, that last thing I want is for them to have to see a bunch of losers playing mini-golf!
Most vital ingredient in any devil's food cake: plenty of sin-A, man.
Blonde: "I'd sure like to visit one of those erupting Hawaiian islands and paddle around in the lava! That would be the greatest canoe trip ever!"
Brunette: "I hate to discourage you, but there isn't a canoe made that could handle hot lava."
Blonde: "No? Then what's all this I hear about vol-canoes?"
My girlfriend came back from the salon with a really hideous hairstyle and has spent the whole day sobbing about it. I don't know why she's so upset; I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.
* * *
I was relieved to hear they were finally boarding my flight; that soon turned to dismay when I saw I'd never get past the boards they'd nailed over the passenger entrance.
* * *
A religious zealot cries, "If you believe in the power of the Lord, no harm can come to you!" and leaps the zoo fence into a lion's enclosure. Two minutes later he's in Heaven, angrily demanding, "I've believed in You all my life, God! Why didn't you protect me?"
God's fed-up voice comes down from a cloud: "Why the hell do you think I put up that fence?"
* * *
I plan to meet with my transgender brother (formerly sister) for lunch, but don't know which restaurant to recommend. A salad joint, I suppose... appropriate, since he was a herbivore.
* * *
So, Biden's no longer in the race. Pretty weak showing. Too bad it wasn't Clinton in office... nothing would have made him pull out!
* * *
I'm always touched by my wife's sweet words every time we make love: "Happy Birthday, dear!"
* * *
He: "Hey babe, let's quit this bar and go to my place!"
She: "I don't think so."
He: "No? Why not?"
She: "Let's just say that I was put off by the 'male gaze'."
He: "You think I'm one of them male gays? Hon, I been starin' at your tits all night long!"
My granddad owned a big spread down in farming country. There was plenty of field work to be done, but there were complications too... seems that he just couldn't keep his hands off his lusty young wife. It became so disruptive that he had to fire every one of them.
* * *
Page one of the first erotic novel aimed at chronic premature ejaculators: "Kiss me, you sexy minx! I want to make love to you till -- " ...the end.
* * *
I've lost so much weight on my new diet, I was able to get into a pair of jeans that hadn't been right for me in years! Now my wife wants a divorce... the jeans belonged to my sister-in-law.
* * *
According to MLB rules, if you hit a bird in flight it's considered a fowl ball. That is, of course, unless the bird happens to be a pigeon... then it's a homer.
* * *
Language sure is funny. Here in the US, we use the word "elevator", whereas in England they call it a "lift". It's just a matter of where you've been raised.
* * *
Bus driver: "It's gonna be a long trip, kids. Has everyone used the restroom? Speak now, or forever hold your pees."
* * *
Dr. Jekyll is infamous for always carrying a glass beaker full of secret formula that turns him into a murdering monster! How could anyone commit such a vial act!
* * *
Hitler was dictatorial even as a child; it's well known that he flatly refused to eat the sausage his mom made for him. He insisted it just wasn't up to his standards. What a spoiled brat!
* * *
Mike Tyson to Donald Trump: "You planning to eat that?"
* * *
According to a recent study, it's far easier to stop a car which is descending from an elevation as opposed to one that's ascending. Apparently, braking up is hard to do.
* * *
As a publicity move, KFC paid for a new expansion to our local hospital. Unofficially, we're referring to it as the Chicken Wing.
* * *
At the Sea of Galilee, Jesus performed a miracle by feeding 5,000 people with only two fish. Holy mackerel!
* * *
A strip club just opened across the street from our local miniature golf course. What a ridiculous location! It spoiled the whole weekend! When I take my family out for a pleasant day's recreation, that last thing I want is for them to have to see a bunch of losers playing mini-golf!
* * *
Most vital ingredient in any devil's food cake: plenty of sin-A, man.
* * *
Blonde: "I'd sure like to visit one of those erupting Hawaiian islands and paddle around in the lava! That would be the greatest canoe trip ever!"
Brunette: "I hate to discourage you, but there isn't a canoe made that could handle hot lava."
Blonde: "No? Then what's all this I hear about vol-canoes?"
* * *
My girlfriend came back from the salon with a really hideous hairstyle and has spent the whole day sobbing about it. I don't know why she's so upset; I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.
