Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Many nations have tried to invade Switzerland. They've all gotten Berned.
My girlfriend was hypnotized by her psychiatrist into having an affair. It was her first trance-sexual experience.
"Dad, can I use the car?"
"Only if you get a haircut."
"But lots of great men had long hair. Look at Abraham. Look at Moses. Heck, even Jesus!"
"Yep. And they all walked."
Did you know that the people in billboards often talk to each other? We never hear them because they use sign language.
When I was young, I never used to carry more than 2 bucks cash. Even so, I can remember walking out of the grocery store with a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, a package of sliced bacon, a loaf of bread and a bag of oranges. Not anymore, though... too many security cameras.
I've heard it said that the worst part of parallel parking is the witnesses. But if you're real bad at it, you can eliminate that problem too.
A young pig goes to the animal hospital.
"Geez, doc," he moans, "I feel awful."
"There's a treatment for your condition," the doctor observes sagely. "Get 10 pounds of salt and sleep in it each night."
One week later, the pig returns.
"Your advice worked great!" the pig cries joyfully. "I'm completely cured!"
My wife has a low sex drive. She's turned on by bums.
Women should be appreciated like fine wine... aged in the cellar for 5 to 10 years.
The planet Earth doesn't rate very high in interplanetary guide books. It has only one star.
Nephew: "Says here my uncle died of natural causes."
Coroner: "So?"
Nephew: "So?! His head is missing!"
Coroner: "That's because he swallowed a hand grenade."
Nephew: "A hand grenade! That's what killed him?"
Coroner: "Naturally."
Hear about Humpty Dumpty? The pain of his accident caused him to become hooked on drugs. He's now a crackhead.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist, I'd only become the target for a black holdup man.
I don't think Dachau jokes are so funny. My grandfather died at Dachau. He was shot out of a guard tower when the Allies arrived.
Davy Crocket walks into a bar. He kills it, of course.
Our town baker has red hair and freckles. He's the ginger bread man.
My Siamese-twin cousins are moving from the US to England. They have to; the one on the left hates to drive.
Cell phones are directly responsible for rising crime rates in America. With all the phone booths gone, Superman has no place to change his clothes.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Clerk: "Son, if you want to buy this beer you have to prove you're 21. When was your birthday."
Customer: "June the 19th, sir."
Clerk: "Yeah, but what year?"
Customer: "Every year."
A sheriff's officer enters a roadside cafe and orders coffee to go. The cafe owner is a law abiding citizen, so he immediately throws out all the coffee.
Hospital Administrator: "I understand you fled the surgical theater before the operation. Why on earth did you do that?"
Patient: "It was that darned nurse! She kept saying, 'Now just relax! No need to be scared! This is a very simple operation! Be strong! Be brave!'"
Administrator: "What's wrong with that?"
Patient: "She was talking to the head surgeon!"
* * *
My girlfriend was hypnotized by her psychiatrist into having an affair. It was her first trance-sexual experience.
* * *
"Dad, can I use the car?"
"Only if you get a haircut."
"But lots of great men had long hair. Look at Abraham. Look at Moses. Heck, even Jesus!"
"Yep. And they all walked."
* * *
Did you know that the people in billboards often talk to each other? We never hear them because they use sign language.
* * *
When I was young, I never used to carry more than 2 bucks cash. Even so, I can remember walking out of the grocery store with a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, a package of sliced bacon, a loaf of bread and a bag of oranges. Not anymore, though... too many security cameras.
* * *
I've heard it said that the worst part of parallel parking is the witnesses. But if you're real bad at it, you can eliminate that problem too.
* * *
A young pig goes to the animal hospital.
"Geez, doc," he moans, "I feel awful."
"There's a treatment for your condition," the doctor observes sagely. "Get 10 pounds of salt and sleep in it each night."
One week later, the pig returns.
"Your advice worked great!" the pig cries joyfully. "I'm completely cured!"
* * *
My wife has a low sex drive. She's turned on by bums.
* * *
Women should be appreciated like fine wine... aged in the cellar for 5 to 10 years.
* * *
The planet Earth doesn't rate very high in interplanetary guide books. It has only one star.
* * *
Nephew: "Says here my uncle died of natural causes."
Coroner: "So?"
Nephew: "So?! His head is missing!"
Coroner: "That's because he swallowed a hand grenade."
Nephew: "A hand grenade! That's what killed him?"
Coroner: "Naturally."
* * *
Hear about Humpty Dumpty? The pain of his accident caused him to become hooked on drugs. He's now a crackhead.
* * *
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist, I'd only become the target for a black holdup man.
* * *
I don't think Dachau jokes are so funny. My grandfather died at Dachau. He was shot out of a guard tower when the Allies arrived.
* * *
Davy Crocket walks into a bar. He kills it, of course.
* * *
Our town baker has red hair and freckles. He's the ginger bread man.
* * *
My Siamese-twin cousins are moving from the US to England. They have to; the one on the left hates to drive.
* * *
Cell phones are directly responsible for rising crime rates in America. With all the phone booths gone, Superman has no place to change his clothes.
* * *
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
* * *
Clerk: "Son, if you want to buy this beer you have to prove you're 21. When was your birthday."
Customer: "June the 19th, sir."
Clerk: "Yeah, but what year?"
Customer: "Every year."
* * *
A sheriff's officer enters a roadside cafe and orders coffee to go. The cafe owner is a law abiding citizen, so he immediately throws out all the coffee.
* * *
Hospital Administrator: "I understand you fled the surgical theater before the operation. Why on earth did you do that?"
Patient: "It was that darned nurse! She kept saying, 'Now just relax! No need to be scared! This is a very simple operation! Be strong! Be brave!'"
Administrator: "What's wrong with that?"
Patient: "She was talking to the head surgeon!"
